Have you ever seen a baby? Or maybe even BEEN one at one time?
In case you don't know, babies look like this--
And I really don't like making grand statements like this one here, BUT---
Babies are some of the stupidest people on earth.
And I'm not singling out YOUR baby. I'm sure YOUR baby is a genius and is going to go on to invent all kinds of important stuff that cures diseases and get people to somehow be peaceful after killing the hell out of each other for the past 80 million years, and so forth.
But the fact of the matter is, there are a lot of things babies can't do.
Here's just a partial list of things they can't do---
1. Eat (without someone giving them food and literally placing it in their mouth.)
2. Drive a snowmobile
3. Take tests (Babies aren't even REQUIRED to take tests. People just know already that they won't be able to take them. This included drug tests.)
4. Have garage sales.
(Have you ever seen a baby hosting a garage sale? Didn't think so. How the hell would a baby be able to afford a garage in the first place, let alone handle money and accurately price her belongings? And IF a baby somehow managed to come into posession of a garage, I bet you any amount of money that it wouldn't even dawn on them to get change for the garage sale, so people would show up with $20 bills and want to buy a 50¢ pot holder and the baby wouldn't be able to make change. Awkward!!)
5. Go to the bathroom without the assistance of someone cleaning up after them. (A new study by some prominent doctors who went to college actually says now that babies are FAKING that whole bathroom thing just to mess with their parents. The doctors' advice to parents is to tell the baby from Day 1 "Change your own damn diaper and don't dick me around! I know you're faking me, baby!")
And, of course---
Have you ever seen a baby walk?
No, of course not. And I'm not talking about 32 year-old babies. Of course babies can walk when they're 32. Everyone can at that age. Baby or not.
I'm talking about the really little babies that don't know jack.
Babies like this--
Now how the hell is that kid gonna walk?
And for the longest time, there was nothing babies could do because strollers weren't invented until 1973.
So prior to 1973, babies just had to SIT all the time, or lie down. That was it. They just had to sit there forever until Jesus came down and eventually blessed their legs with his magical can of soap and then *PRESTO*, the babies could walk!
But sometimes Jesus didn't come until the babies were 8 or even 9 years old and that really sucked. Especially for Gemini babies!
Back then, it was not a good time to be a baby.
But TODAY, well, TODAY is a whole different ball game--
Today there are these devices called "strollers" that babies can sit in and get carted around and see the world! The only catch is that they of course need a non-baby to operate the thing.
Strollers look like this---
And most models are available for under $14,000!
So today, there are still plenty of things a baby can't do (Talk, hit a curveball, backup a computer, mow the lawn and collect stamps), but there is one thing that they CAN do:
They can sit in a STROLLER and see the WORLD!!
Or even DRIVEWAYS!!!
ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 18, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES STROLLERS FOR ALLOWING BABIES TO NOT HAVE TO JUST SIT AND/OR LIE DOWN ALL THE TIME UNTIL JESUS BLESSES THEIR LEGS WITH HIS MAGICAL CAN OF SOAP AND FOR ENABLING BABIES TO SEE THE WORLD AND EVEN DRIVEWAYS!!!
DOTSON ALSO SALUTES BABIES FOR CONVINCING THEIR PARENTS THEY'RE INCAPABLE OF CHANGING THEIR OWN DIAPERS.
More power to ya, babies!! I wouldn't tell 'em about it, either. Why rock the boat, right????
- ► 2008 (187)
- ▼ July (6)