Monday, October 29, 2007

Dotson Salutes - The 2007 Boston Ed Sox

The Boston Red Sox won the World Series last night.

When a team wins the World Series, what happens is that that team then runs onto the baseball field in front of a bunch of people in a crowded stadium and proceeds to have an orgy.

Here's a picture of last night's orgy.

Let's note a couple things about this picture.

1. Every baseball orgy involves a pitcher and a catcher. (Nothing homoerotic about that!) When the final out is recorded, the catcher (the guy wearing the red knee pads) jumps into the pitcher's arms. You never ever see a pitcher jumping into a catcher's arms. I don't know why that is. I'm sure a baseball historian could give me a proper answer.

2. Once the catcher is securely in the pitcher's arms, the rest of the team gathers around the loving couple and rubs their arms all over each other's bodies.

3. Invariably, someone on the winning team has an Asian fetish, so the team dresses up an Asian man in the team's uniform and sends him out on the field to participate in the orgy. The "designated Asian" in this orgy can be found on the far right of the above picture.

Sadly, most sports orgies don't go past 1st base (no pun intended) and you rarely see any of the players "whip it out" on the field. Of course, whatever takes place off the field or on the plane trip back home is anyone's guess.

Conversely, if you lose the World Series (as the Colorado Rockies did last night), then it is your responsibility to sit in the dugout and look sad and dejected.

However, you also have the option of watching the other team have their orgy and a lot of players on losing teams find that highly erotic, as evidenced by some "more than a little curious" Rockies players in the photo below. In other words, LOSING the World Series can have it's upside as well. -- Provided you're a sexual deviant.

But there's more to the World Series than orgies, Asian fetishes, and sexual deviance!

There are also interviews!

(**Before we get to the interviews, it should be noted that the people of Boston do not know how to pronounce the letter "R."

While the rest of the United States uses a 26-letter alphabet, Bostonians cling to a 25-letter alphabet as a means of communication. Where this 25-letter alphabet came from is anyone's guess, but if the University of Harvard doesn't see anything wrong with it (or "The Univesity of Havad" as it's known in Boston), then it can't be all that bad. ----But my point is, in some of these interviews, the Boston players will be difficult to understand, so just drop an "R" into any word that looks like it could use one.)

The Red Sox not only beat the Colorado Rockies in the World Series, they won 4 games to none! That's called a sweep!

Here's what Red Sox Manager Terry Francona had to say about that:

"We knew coming into this seies that the Coloado Ockies wee a bunch of fags. That's what I told the guys. I told them if we even lose ONE game to these faiies, I DON'T CAE if we go on to win the whole damn seies, thee will be NO CELEBATOY OGY! And I guess ou boys eally wanted that ogy because they went in thee and whooped thei asses. That's a testament to the spiit of this team, and a testament to this team's honiness."

Colorado Manager Clint Hurdle's comments focused less on his team's sex drive, and more on Boston's liberal use of the English language.

"Did we underestimate the Red Sox? Yeah, I guess we did. But who wouldn't underestimate a team that only uses 96% of the alphabet?"

Boston's own Manny Ramirez, (back row, 3rd from left), also was initially confused by his teammates' hybrid language.

"I am originally from the Dominican Republic. We pronounce our "Rs" there. We even roll the Rs with our tongues. That's how important they are to us! But my teammates not only don't roll their Rs, they don't even PRONOUNCE them. I don't know why this is. Perhaps it is because Jesus Christ is not as popular in this country as he once was."

Ramirez went on to pontificate about Christianity for nearly an hour before concluding with:

"Yeah, my teammates weird me out. And I can't understand most of what they're saying since they only use the 25-letter alphabet. So what I do now is that if one of them starts talking to me, I slowly start to walk away from them and then look back over my right shoulder and just kind of wave to them as if to say 'You are doing a good job and I believe in you as a person.' But if they insist on coming closer to me, that is the point where I bite."

Colorado Outfielder Matt Holiday, who batted well over .300 in the series thought the Rockies World Series appearance was a hoax.

"Clint (Clint Hurdle, the Rockies Manager) got all of us Rockies in the locker room and was like, 'Listen up! We're going to the World Series' and I'm all like, no we're fucking not, Clint. We suck. Look at our uniforms! There's PURPLE in them. How the hell are we going to win a World Series wearing purple uniforms? Whatever, dude. But Clint was so insistent, and then Fox broadcasted the games like they were real, so I was all like 'Whatever, I guess I'll play, but I know someone's pulling the wool over my eyes."

Holliday played incredibly well for the Rockies in the four games, despite insisting that Colorado's appearance in the World Series was "the greatest practical joke anyone has ever played on me" and maintaining that somebody was "totally effing" with him and that he suspected that person to be "my cousin Brian, because he is sick!"

(Picture of Holliday's cousin Brian)

Boston's Jonathan Papelbon, who was the pitcher at the heart of last night's Red Sox orgy was just happy to be able to get back to his normal life.

"Yeah, it's cool to win championships and have ogies with you teammates and whateer, but basically I'm just looking fowad to getting loaded at dive bas in and aound the Boston aea and talking about how awesome fiefightes ae."

Colorado's Todd Helton,

known for his incredibly bad posture, echoed Papelbon's sentiments that the baseball season had kind of run it's course, noting he couldn't wait to get home to "bone" his wife, and make sure that nobody stole any of his Little Red Riding stamps from Germany, "because those things cost me a fucking fortune," said Helton.

The only other highlight from last night's festivities was that as the winning team, the Boston Red Sox got to have a special viewing of Fox analyst Tim McCarver's testicles. McCarver is rumored to have 5 testicles, and has been exposing himself to World Series Champions since 1988.

"I don't know how many balls he had stuffed in thee, but it was a lot! Definitely moe than two, o my name ain't Tey Fancona," said Red Sox Manager Terry Francona.

"This is my thid Wold Seies victoy and the thid time I've been foced to look at McCave's nuts. I'm ove it," said Boston Pitcher Curt Schilling.

And whenever Tim McCarver's testicles work their way into a blog, it means it's time for that blog to end as quickly as possible.


Baseball is truly a weird sport. No wonder no one's heard of it.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Unfunny Joke of the Day

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