Dotson Salutes

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2010-03-11T00:17:00.001-08:00

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Rodrigo is Furious - Crappy Movies

2009-01-02T17:07:00.000-08:00

Today I had the worst day of my life. I went to the movie theatre to see a movie. The movie theatre had 14 movies that were playing. The problem was I didn't want to see any of them. One of the movies was called "The Wrestler" that starred Mike Rourke. I'm told it is supposed to be depressing. That is the only movie I even kind of wanted to see.

My girlfriend did not want to see that movie, so that movie was not an option.

There was another movie playing called "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttocks." That movie was not something I wanted to see. It starred two people named Brad Pitts and Kate Blanket. They better hope they don't get sued by "The Curious Case of George." That was one of my favorite books as a child and I don't remember a scary old man being in that. If "Benjamin Buttocks" is supposed to be a remake of "The Curious George," then it is by far the worst remake I have ever seen. But I didn't see it. I won't see it. I don't know why they even bother giving out Academy Awards anymore.

After we left the movie theater very disappointed, I went to buy a heat patch at the drug store and when the cashier gave me change, I noticed one of the nickels was from 1953.

My name is Rodrigo.

www.mynameischrisdotson.com

Dotson Salutes - Rodrigo

2009-01-02T17:02:00.000-08:00

There is no more Dotson. There is only Rodrigo.

Dotson Salutes - New Year's Eve Lunch

2008-12-31T17:38:00.000-08:00

When it comes to eating food on New Year's Eve, I don't mess around.

So that's why for lunch today I had not only a hot dog with mustard and relish, but I also ate broccoli and drank an orange Mexican soda called "Jarritos."

My lunch looked like this---

But just because it's New Year's Eve, that does not mean I'm taking the day off. Not by a long shot. I've got shit to do.

Here's what I did so far--

1. I finished the book "Hocus Pocus" by Kirk Vonnegut.

2. I thought about how much the band "OK Go" sucks ass.

3. I went for a 52 minute walk in my neighborhood

8. I thought about how the band "OK Go" should be called "OK Go to Hell" or "OK, We Know We Suck but Virgos and Cancers and 9 year-olds love us, so we're going to keep putting out albums. Sorry."

5. Went to the grocery store and bought a box of LE PETIT ÉCOLIER cookies.

6. I thought about how I wish my mother was black, or at least a little bit blacker.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! It's the year of the ox, but that doesn't start until January 26, so I'm going to watch "Body Double" with the Libra Fiancee.

Chris Dotson

Dotson Salutes Shitty Music - "Another Day in Paradise"

2008-10-28T22:37:00.000-07:00

Bill Collins owes me a helicopter.

If he thinks he can just go around singing crappy songs about homeless people, he's got another thing coming.

And by "another thing coming," I mean "urine in the mouth."

My urine. Hospital urine.

Dotson Salutes - Easel Pads

2008-09-05T14:52:00.001-07:00

I was at the office store yesterday and you know how they have easel pads?

Well, guess how much they were!

That's right-- $35.99 for two pads!

That's like $24 each!!!!

WTF?

How do they get away with charging so much for that jive? I mean, how much does paper cost?

Like 3 cents?

So you multiply 3 cents times 8 and you get 24 cents!

It costs them 24 cents to make this stuff and then they charge $35.99 for two!

This is worse price poaching than gas and oil. Haliburton ain't got nuthin' on this racket.

However!

In these dark times, there is hope and that hope comes in the form of a new web series starring me and Libra Fiancée. We started a YouTube Page and basically we will crank out these videos from time to time where Libra Fiancée talks about her experiences that day and I nod and say things in response. We promise incredibly shitty picture and sound quality.

Our first ever video was recorded last night. Here it is---

So far we have NINE hits!!! You could be the TENTH viewer!!! Then think of all the sex you'll get!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES EASEL PADS FOR COSTING 24 CENTS TO MAKE AND THEN SELLING TWO-FOR-$35.99 PLUS TAX AND PEOPLE GET UPSET THAT THERE ARE WARS BEING FOUGHT OVER OIL BUT WARS SHOULD REALLY BE FOUGHT OVER EASEL PADS BECAUSE IT'S HURTING THE MIDDLE CLASS THAT THESE COST SO MUCH AND MIDDLE CLASS ARE FAMILIES.

Today the Dotman is in drag.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - "Trail Power®"

2008-09-04T18:53:00.000-07:00

Most people don't know that I used to be in the army and that the army taught me to be a team player.

But I don't hold that against people. It's not their job to know that I was in the army.

However, it IS people's job to eat food that makes them feel like they are on crack cocaine. And if you're people and want to do your job, then you need to take off your shirt and eat "Trail Power®."

This might sound like an advertisement, but it is not. This is just a reminder that we need to feel like we are on crack cocaine at all times. Otherwise, what's the point of being an American? Why did I serve my country in the war if you aren't going to throw a bunch of shit in your system that makes you feel like cleaning your house all night long and makes you want to go to the grocery store and buy one of those pre-paid credit cards so that you can charge internet pornography to it without your husband finding out?

"People eating organic superfoods = Happy Veterans"

ON THIS GREAT DAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "TRAIL POWER®" AND LAST WEEK I WENT TO A CASINO IN PRIOR LAKE, MINNESOTA AND I PLAYED BLACK JACK AND AT THE END OF THE AFTERNOON I LOST EXACTLY $1.

Today The Dotman takes a stab at doing an impression of actor Haley Joel Osment.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Catching up on Netflix you've had for a long time.

2008-09-01T14:42:00.001-07:00

This is the afternoon that I finally watch "Be Kind, Rewind."

It's been sitting on the coffee table for almost 2 months now. Libra Fiancée will no doubt not be pleased to discover that I've watched it without her, but what can you do. I can't let it just sit there any longer.

Earlier this afternoon I looked at an awesome apartment in a shitty neighborhood. There was no off-street parking, either. So I had to let it go. It would have been a great place for me and Libra Fiancée, but neither of us like the idea of her walking through a shitty neighborhood at night because she had to park five blocks away. It doesn't matter that she owns mace or that my sister and her husband recently bought me a knife.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CATCHING UP ON NETFLIX YOU'VE HAD FOR A LONG TIME BECAUSE IT'S HIGH TIME YOU WATCHED "BE KIND, REWIND" EVEN IF IT MEANS THAT LIBRA FIANCEE MIGHT GET MAD AT YOU BUT HOPEFULLY YOU CAN DISTRACT HER WITH SOME DELICIOUS FROZEN YOGURT OR ASK HER TO MAKE YOU A MAP BECAUSE MAKING MAPS CAN TAKE A LONG TIME.

It's Labor Day, but that doesn't mean the Dotman is going to take a day off from making horrendous jokes----

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Chevy Chase Movies

2008-08-23T15:13:00.001-07:00

Saturday it is. Two of last three nights began with movies watched of the Chevy Chase variety.

Chevy Chase looks like this---

Buy his book HERE.

Buy his book! Buy it! Buy it now!

After buying his book, read the rest of the blog.

PART 2 OF BlOG --- (To be read after purchase of Chevy Chase book. WARNING: Spoiler Alert!!!!)

Wednesday night Libra Fiancée and me watched Chevy Chase documentary "Funny Farm" on cable.

Hadn't seen that one in years. Like all the murders.

Then only the night last. Friday, even! We watched a second Chevy Chase movie of the likes called "European Vacation."

Actually, we only watched half of it and then tried talking to spirits. But the second half awaits!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 23, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CHEVY CHASE MOVIES BECAUSE OF THE VARIETY AND THE SPICE OF LIFE OF DOCUMENTARY COMEDY. LOOK OUT FAMILY IN EUROPE! THE FRENCHMAN IS STEALING YOUR CAMERA! MAKE HASTE!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Boss Hog

2008-08-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

Currently trying to get motivated to watch the final episode of season 1 of "Dexter." But with the sun in Virgo and the moon in Taurus, I'm finding it very difficult to sit still. This must be what my Taurus friend with Virgo Rising experiences on a daily basis.

BUT!

In honor of the moon being in Taurus for another 20 hours or so, I'm going to give you my best Taurus face. Tauruses are known for looking like they're going to kick your ass. So if you want to look like a Taurus, just do this---

And make sure you stick your chin up a little bit like I did in the picture. Not a lot, just a little bit.

Prior to all of this I was visiting my Scorpio filmmaker friend. He and his wife and his artist friend have been working on creating this amazing car for the past 3 months. They're doing it for the Burning Man Film Festival!

They started with a Volvo™ and they turned it into a wild beast called "Boss Hog!"

It's not entirely finished, but right now Boss Hog looks like this---

That's my Scorpio filmmaker friend on the right and his artist friend on the left. My Scorpio filmmaker's wife was not around. She was presumably harvesting grapes.

The best part about Boss Hog is that you can stand on top of him---

And inside there are gear shifts and pedals. They're a bit difficult to see from this camera angle, but they are there. I saw them with your own eyes!

To make a Boss Hog you have to be willing to take your life into your own hands and work with fire, but my Scorpio filmmaker friend isn't afraid of anything. So this is him working with fire right here---

And there's a little door on the side of Boss Hog that allows you to access the Volvo™ part. If this picture looks like it's in black & white, that's because it is!!!

Then, as if all that wasn't ENOUGH, on my way home I saw a Honda Accord™ with a Michigan license plate.

Michigan license plates are good luck symbols for me!!

PLUS! The number 4520 is also a good luck number for me! So I had to take a picture and that picture is the new desktop photo on my computer.

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 22, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BOSS HOG FOR TAKING MONTHS AND MONTHS OF HARD WORK TO CREATE, PLUS YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR LIFE INTO YOUR OWN HANDS AND WORK WITH FIRE TO MAKE HIM HAPPEN, BUT THEN YOUR FRIENDS LIKE ME CAN CLIMB UP ON TOP OF HIM AND TAKE PICTURES AND BLOG.

Today's Dotman Joke isn't worth the cost of the paper it's printed on.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Becoming a U.S. Citizen

2008-08-21T16:04:00.000-07:00

Last yesterday my German Friend became a U.S. Citizen.

This is what my German Friend looks like when he's standing next to George Cloomey.

Becoming a U.S. Citizen is easy. Here's what you have to do---

1. Go to the Montebello Country Club.

Here is a picture of my German Friend doing just that----

2. Stand in line----

My German Friend got to stand in the above line. But I got to stand in the "Friends & Family Line," which looked like this---

3. Bring something to shield you from the sun when you're standing in line. A shirt from Banana Republik will do.

4. Go inside the Montebello Country Club Ballroom, sit in a chair, and hold an American Flag---

5. Stand up and put your hand in the air---

6. Get a certificate---

7. Pose with a cardboard cutout of Jim McCain---

8. Hit on blonde chicks---

Follow those simple steps and you, too, can become a U.S. Citizen.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 21, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BECOMING A U.S. CITIZEN BECAUSE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GO TO THE MONTEBELLO COUNTRY CLUB AND STAND IN LINE AND SHIELD YOURSELF FROM THE SUN AND THEN GO INSIDE AND SIT DOWN AND STAND UP AND THEN GO BACK OUTSIDE AND PARTY IN THE PARKING LOT. AND CONGRATULATIONS TO MY GERMAN FRIEND FOR GAINING DUAL-CITIZENSHIP AND GETTING A FREE FLAG.

Today's Dotman joke is about I'm not sure because I stopped watching it after .5 seconds.

Chris Dotson

The Dotman

Dotson Salutes - Craig Ferguson

2008-08-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

Libra Fiancée is on this major "Saved by the Bell" kick. She can't get enough of it. Right now she's watching an episode where Zack and the gang are doing one of those "Murder Mystery" things.

But it doesn't matter how much "Saved by the Bells" Libra Fiancée watches, nothing is going to change the fact that actor Craig Ferguson recently got arrested.

Craig Ferguson look like this---

He is in cool shows like "The Office," "The 4 Year Old Virgin," and "Pineapples Express."

The article said he was arrested for being in possession of "methamphetamines and ecstasy and with being under the influence of cocaine, amphetamines and cannabinoids."

The article also mentions that the arrest took place in Culver City. Culver City is a district of Los Angeles, and let me tell you, YOU NEED TO BE HIGH if you're going to spend even a second in Culver City.

Culver City looks like this---

It's depressing as ASS! In fact, it is the number #3 most depressing-as-ass neighborhoods in all of Greenland!

I don't blame Craig Ferguson one second for being high when he was driving through Culver City. Get off this dude's back. He's cool as shit and if he wants to do the drugs then let him do the drugs. If I was all up in a hit TV show and being in cool movies with Seth Rogen and what not, you bet your ASS I'd be driving through Culver City and doing drugs!

That's the whole reason I moved to L.A.! And believe you me, the only reason I'm not getting all fucked up right now is because I set goals for myself and my goal is to make $250,000 in one year and when that happens, then I will give myself permission to build hobby horses and eat as many mushrooms as I want, and if that's a crime, then you come find me, Colon Powell, and arrest my ass and you will get a media scandal the likes of which you have never seen before and this shit will not stand.

The hobby horse I make will look like this---

ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 20, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CRAIG FERGUSON FOR HAVING AN AWESOME ACTING CAREER, FOR BEING FUNNY, AND FOR BEING HIGH IN CULVER CITY AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM FOR THAT BECAUSE CULVER CITY WILL EAT YOU ALIVE IF YOU LET IT AND I AM NEVER GOING BACK TO THE TRADER JOE'S THERE BECAUSE THEIR FLOWER SELECTION IS SHIT.

Todays' Dotman joke is about Iraq. It's a country.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - "Stella"

2008-08-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

I've been told that I'm a human being. And therefore I am perfect. But sometimes I'm not as perfect as I'd like to be. Sometimes I feel kind of dizzy. For no reason, too! I'll just be sitting there on the couch and then I'll feel like my equilibrium's thrown off. It's weird. But it's been with me for years and years. It was worse when I drank and smoked, but now it's relatively mild. Lately, though, it's been flaring up a bit. So I went online and looked for some kind of herbs I could take that might help make me feel more stable.

Many websites told me to use Ginkgo Biloba.

So that' what I'm doing! Today I went out and bought some Gingko Balboa!

Ginko Baloba looks like this---

I put my finger over the name of the manufacturer so people won't know that it's made by Whole Foods.

The suggested dosage is 3 pills a day. So I'm going to do that for 20 days. Then I'll need to buy more.

In the meantime, Libra Fiancée recently introduced me to the show "Stella."

It's not on TV anymore, but it used to be on Communist Central. We're watching it on DVD.

I like the show as it is funny but on top of the funniness is the theme song that should be a hit on radio and television precise, but it is the theme song and can be watched right here and listen---

Alright, I couldn't find the theme song, but here's a "Stella" video to give you an idea about it's content---

Libra Fiancée keeps shoving ice cream cones in my mouth. And I don't mean that as a youfuhmism. I mean actual ice cream cones.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 19, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "STELLA" FOR BEING A FUNNY SHOW THAT IS NO LONGER ON TELEVISION, FOR HAVING A CATCHY THEME TUNE THAT DOTSON COULDN'T IMMEDIATELY FIND ONLINE, AND ALSO FOR GINKGO BILABOA FOR HOPEFULLY HELPING DOTSON FEEL MORE "CENTERED" AND NOT MAKE HIM SHIT BLOOD OR SOMETHING.

Today's Dotman joke is about how he couldn't get laid in high school. --- For some reason I don't find that very hard to believe.

OH!!!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - "Watchmen"

2008-08-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

I was up 'til 2am last night, and boy was I in a mood! Just ask Libra Fiancée! She'll tell ya.

Man, I was a mess. And ultimately I decided that I could no longer keep reading "You Can't Go Home Again."

I decided that the mental stress it had been causing me since page 358 simply wasn't worth it anymore. Sometimes we forget that life is not an English class, (Oh, but if it WERE!!!!!) and that just because we start a book, if we don't find it entertaining and the author doesn't hold our interest, we are under no obligation to stay with it to the bitter end.

So I've released "Y.C.G.H.A" from my life and I already feel 20 pounds lighter and 30 years younger.

Instead, I'm going to read the classic graphic novel "Watchmen."

"Watchmen" looks like this---

I've never read a graphic novel before, so this is pretty exciting.

I like raccoons.

ALSO!!!

At lunch today, Libra Fiancée and I were talking about how when you describe someone as being naked, you can say that they are either "BUTT naked" or "BUCK naked."

We both agreed on that.

BUT! CONTROVERSY!

I told Libra Fiancée that one can be "in the BUFF" AND "in the BUCK," but Libra Fiancée said no one can be "in the buck." She said people can be "in the buff" ONLY.

So I've put it to the test.

I googled "in the buck" and got this many results--- 99,300. But I have to admit, most of the results don't allude to people being naked. And Buck Rodgers popped up A LOT!!

But then when I googled "in the buff," I got 649,000 results and ALL of the results had to do with people being naked. In fact, a picture popped up with a topless woman.

So I learned something today. I learned you can't really be "in the buck," but you CAN google "in the buff" and see a topless woman.

But then again, you can google pretty much anything and see a topless woman.

I like raccoons!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 19, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "WATCHMEN" FOR BEING A BOOK THAT IS NOT "YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN."

Today's Dotman "joke" is about how he used to work at an office and I guess his boss touched him in places he didn't want to be touched.

Who gives a rat's...

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Loser Jokes

Dotson Salutes--- "You Can't Go Home Again"

2008-08-17T13:40:00.000-07:00

Had wicked bad dreams last night. In one of them I was at a store and I was waiting in line forever. Then, when it was ALMOST my turn, this other clerk says, "I can help you over here." So I'm thinking that rules and I head over to his register, but then a woman cuts in front of me. The clerk doesn't say anything and just starts ringing her up. Then when I get up to the register, he says the store is closing and he can't help me. Thing is, if I'd stayed in the line I was in originally, I'd have made it out of there before the store closed. What a rip! I can't even get good customer service in my dreams.

I don't even remember what it was I wanted to buy, but I'm sure it was important. Probably drapes or something.

In the meantime, I've been reading this book off and on for over 3 months now.

It's called "You Can't Go Home Again", and if you don't have anything better to do for the next 3 months, you can read the whole thing right here.

"You Can't Go Home Again" looks like this---

I am currently on page 466 and there are 711 pages total. So that means that I have less than 466 pages to go!

There's light at the end of the Chunnel!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 17, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE BOOK "YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN" FOR BEING A BOOK THAT IS SUPER LONG AND CAN SOMETIMES BE A GREAT BOOK TO READ BUT OTHER TIMES IT GETS REALLY BORING AND YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT FOR A WHILE, BUT ULTIMATELY YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO FINISH IT AND YOU WANT TO REALLY BAD BECAUSE YOU HAVE OTHER BOOKS YOU WANT TO READ LIKE THE BOOK ABOUT THE BAND THE REPLACEMENTS AND "SOMEBODY'S DARLING" AND THE BOOK BY KURT VONNEGUT AND "THE LAST NOVEL" AND "WATCHMEN" AND "PERSEPOLIS" AND THERE'S A NUMEROLOGY BOOK YOU'RE ALSO INTERESTED IN THAT YOU MIGHT SKIM THROUGH.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Sucky Jokes

Dotson Salutes - David Daskal

2008-08-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, two things--

1. I'm no longer mad at Ed. I've accepted the fact that he's here to teach me stuff. I don't fully understand what all that stuff is, but perhaps someday I will. In the meantime, me and Ed are cool.

4. Yesterday I did my very first internet radio show. The show was called "Random Current Affairs" and you can listen to it here. (Once you're on that page, scroll down to the August 15 show.)

You can listen to me talk about all kinds of things, from The Dotman Joke of the Day to my recent engagement to Libra Fiancée, to my dislike of heights.

ALSO!

The show is hosted by this dude named David Daskal.

David Daskal looks like this---

And he sounds like this---

He also is a DJ and a Libra and his 3rd favorite sport is volleyball and he and I met on the set of a "Little Debbie®" commercial in 2004.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 16, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES DAVID DASKAL FOR HAVING ME ON HIS RADIO SHOW YESTERDAY, FOR LETTING ME TALK ABOUT THE DOTMAN AND MY LIBRA FIANCEE AND MY AVERSION TO HEIGHTS, FOR BEING ON THE SHOW "AVERAGE JOE: HAWAII," FOR LIKING VOLLEYBALL AS HIS 3RD BEST SPORT AND FOR MEETING ME ON THE SET OF A LITTLE DEBBIE® COMMERCIAL.

David is also in a band called Xyzyx.

This is yesterday's Dotman Joke of the Day. It's about Santa Claus.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - The Blo & Go

2008-08-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you what's going on. Last night I pinpointed (That's right! I effin' pinpointed!!!!) what is going on in my head. In fact, I pinpointed what's going on in ALL of our heads!

Basically what's going on is that we are surrounded by spirits. You can call them "ghosts" or whatever you want, but they hover around us at all times. And we can choose to listen to the "good" voices or we can listen to the "bad" voices.

You think I'm nuts? Then you tell ME where thoughts come from, my friend. Science can't tell us that. Rational thought can't tell us that. THOUGHT in general is incredibly limited and can only create bombs and reindeer 'n shit.

So, in summation, thought is very limited and can't tell us where thoughts come from.

Period. End of story.

So last night I pinpointed the source of every feeling of self-doubt, fear, and anxiety I've ever had. They come from a person named "Ed."

How do I know his name is "Ed?" Because I SENSED it.

And let me tell you, Ed is a royal prick.

I wish he was Ed McMachon, but he's not. He's just some ass who has been with me since a very young age. I would guess that he's been with me since 3rd or 4th grade, which is around the same time that I started sucking at baseball.

When I was in 2nd grade I was AWESOME at baseball. But then Ed came along and changed all that.

So basically what's going on here now is that I acknowledge the fact that my thoughts are not "me." The thoughts come from all the spirits that surround me. The thoughts I listen to the most are the ones that you could say make me "me," but they are not "me." Nothing can ever be "me" or "you" or "us." That shit just can not be grasped by thought.

And who says it's supposed to be grasped by us, anyway?

So from here on out, every time a thought pops in my head that makes me feel inadequate or unworthy, I'm going to simply yell out, "Fuck you, ED!" and I don't give a rat's if people DO think I'm crazy. I'd rather be crazy than scared.

Here's a video of me right here with Libra fiancée watching "Saved by the Bell" in the background and me saying, "Fuck you, Ed!"

IN ADDITION!!!

My Scorpio Actor Friend and his friend Laurie Coleman have recently started marketing their new INVENTION!!!

It's called The Blo & Go and it makes drying your hair a cinch!

The Blo & Glo looks like this---

Get yours today!!!

And FUCK YOU, ED!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 15, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE BLO & GLO FOR BEING A NEW INVENTION THAT MAKES DRYING YOUR HAIR A CINCH AND FUCK YOU, ED.

The Dotman has not yet recorded his Joke of the Day today, so I'm posting his joke from yesterday instead.

Great.

Dotson Salutes - Condom-Con

2008-07-29T21:59:00.001-07:00

Another day, another bunch of jive for the Dot Train.

Here's what went down---

1. Went to yoga.
2. Experienced a 5.4 earthquake while doing yoga.
3. Received a harassing phone call from mother.
4. Went to an audition for a Honda Commercial.
5. Went to an audition for a Microsoft video.
6. Came home and sent out emails to friends that Libra Girlfriend and I are engaged.
7. Bowled a 118.

THAT'S A FULL EFFIN' DAY IN MY BOOK!!!!!!

Not only!!!!

Sunday Libra Girlfriend and I went to Condom-Con!

Condom-Con looks like this---

And if you go there, you receive free high fives!

You can also pose in front of a replica of the "frozen" Hans Solo from "Star Trek" and you can look like you don't want to have your picture taken and also partially block the Hans Solo doll.

At Condom-Con you can also eat an $8 "gourmet" pizza with your Libra Girlfriend that tastes like absolute shit.

If you're lucky, at Condom-Con you can also have your picture taken with the entire cast from "Star Wars!"

The Hulks was at Condom-Con and he wasn't even wearing a shirt! Libra Girlfriend was all over his delicious bod!

Also at Condom-Con there is Castle Grayskull!!!!

In addition, at Condom-Con, Libra Girlfriend and I ran into Lloyd Kaufman and he let us take his picture with him since Libra Girlfriend bought a halter top at his kiosk.

Yeah!!!!

And on the drive home, there was a gigantic breast!!!!

All of this and more can be yours for attending the one and only Condom-Con!

See ya in 2007!!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 29, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CONDOM-CON, WHICH HE AND LIBRA GIRLFRIEND ATTENDED ON JULY 27, 2008 FOR BEING A PLACE WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE LIKE FREE HIGH FIVES AND POSING WITH THE CAST OF "STAR WARS" FROM BEHIND AND THE HULK AND LLOYD KAUFMAN TAKING HIS PICTURE WITH US AND GIGANTIC BREAST ALERT!

My mother telephoned me today and told me something must be done about the Dotman. She said he can not be allowed to tell any more of his inane jokes.

Mother, I am doing the best I can but the Dotman is like the cockroach. It seems he's destined to survive.

AND he knows how to ride a bike.

This is no good.

And know what else is no good?????

THIS JOKE!!!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Mickey's Space Ship Shuttle

2008-07-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

BINGO!

Right now the Moon is in Taurus, which means it's a great time to go out and eat a ton of MEAT!!!!

And that's exactly what I did this afternoon! I met Libra Girlfriend for lunch and promptly ordered a steak® quesadilla. I ate half of it at the restaurant and ate the other half when I got home. In addition to eating the other half at home, I also downed some grapes.

SEE! Grapes all gone!!!

Now!

While Libra G.F. and me were having our lunch, out the window we saw a van that said "Mickey's Space Ship Shuttle" on the side.

The van looked like this---

And I told Libra G.F. right then and there that those bastards were getting a Dotson Salute!

If you haven't already visited their website in the above link, I would encourage you to do so as soon as possible.

In the meantime, here is just a TASTE of what you can expect to see on their site---

1. You will see this---

Free mouse ears for kids under 8 while they last! Who does that anymore??? No one I can think of! Not even Virgin Mary.

PLUS! The folks at Mickey's give a damn about your personal safety. Here is some advice right here---

I love these guys!

I'm coming over for Thanksgiving!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 25, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES MICKEY'S SPACE SHIP SHUTTLE BECAUSE IF YOU'RE UNDER 8 YOU'LL GET FREE MOUSE EARS WHILE THEY LAST, BECAUSE THEY HAVE AN AWESOME WEBSITE THAT TELLS PEOPLE SAFE PLACES TO STAY WHILE VISITING LOS ANGELES AND I LOVE THESE GUYS AND I'M COMING OVER FOR THANKSGIVING!

The Dotman's unfunny joke today revolves around his aunt and uncle.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Nick Mahorn

2008-07-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

Even if yu arent a sports fan, purhaps you herd of this storee about Nick Mahorn who is a coach in the assistant cupacity for a WNBA Team and that team is called the Deetroit something-or-uther and he was involved in a fracas, witch is like a fite, and he shoved right to the ground this WNBA chick named like Lisa Lesbo or something and he's taking heet rite now for it because we all know you don't shove a ladee, even if it's in a fite during a basket ball game and all hell is braking loose.

Dick Mahorn looks like this---

Since he an assistance coach, he gets 4 tickits to eech basketball game and he is very proud of those tickets and is always showing them off.

Here iz unother picshure of him holding 4 tickets---

The video of Vic Mahorn pushing Lisa "Isle of" Lesbo to the ground is vu-able here--

"I ate a lot of tacos before the game," said Mahorn. "Sometiems I eet up to 7 tacos before a game, but that night I had as many as 9."

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 24, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES LICK MAHORN FOR BEING INVOLVED IN A FITE AND FOR GETING 4 FREE TICKETS TO EACH DEETROIT FEMININE GAME AND FOR EATING AS MANY AS NINE TACOS AND I'M BETTING HE'S SURE SORRY ABOUT PUSHING LISA LESBIA DOWN TO THE CORTE BECUSE EVEN MICK MAHORN KNOWS YOU DON'T PUSH A LADY ANY TIME EVER AND I THINK HE'S PRETTY EMBARRASSSED BY THE HOLE THING AND HE CAN EAT NINE TACOSE.

Todaze Dotman Joke is even shitty bye his standards.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Every David Bowie song except "Young Americans."

2008-07-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I forgot to take my iPod in the car with me, so me and Libra Girlfriend had to drive around all day listening to the effin' radio.

At one point, the David Bowie song "Young Americans" came on. It's not my favorite Bowie song, but it WAS Bowie, so I figured I'd leave it. Plus, I assumed Libra Girlfriend wanted to hear the song since all chicks LOVE David Bowie.

David Bowie looks like this---

So basically what happened is that we listened to "Young Americans" for what felt like several seconds and then I said to Libra G.F., "Do you mind if I see if there's something else on?" And she said, "Oh, God. Please!"

And then we found another song. (I think we settled on "Tush" by ZZ Top. That song kicks ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Irregardless of convention, it was good in the long run that "Young Americans" came on because otherwise maybe me and Libra Girlfriend would have gone our entire lives without realizing that we or the other was not particularly fond of the song by "David Bowie" about Americans being youngs and gimme gimme shock treatment!!!!!

Nuthin' to it but to do it!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 23, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES EVERY DAVID BOWIE SONG EXCEPT FOR "YOUNG AMERICANS" BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER SONGS KICK ASS AND IF YOU MAKE ENOUGH SONGS, SOME WON'T BE AS STRONG AS OTHERS AND NUTHIN' DO IT BUT TO DO IT AND GIMME GIMME SHOCK TREATMENT AND LIBRA GIRLFRIEND AND I ARE CLOSER THAN EVER BEFORE THANKS TO "YOUNG AMERICANS" NOT REALLY RESONATING WITH EITHER OF US.

Today's Dotman joke is about buying jewelry.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Getting blood drawn up the butt.

2008-07-22T16:31:00.000-07:00

Man, I've been getting my blood drawn a lot lately!

One time I got it drawn last Thursday.

And then I got it drawn just again today!

I am feeling spacey as ass, but I have eaten some things now and that should help me feel less spacey as ass.

Here is what I've eaten---

1. 1/2 chocolate chip cookie from Subway®
2. 1/2 bag of Salt and Vinegar potato chips purchased at Subway®
3. 6" Veggie Sub from Subway®
4. 1 bag of Jalapeno-flavored chips purchased at Subway®
5. 1 non-organic apple
6. About 17 almonds

Now I'm about to eat-

7. 1 can of Chicken Noodle Soup

Then I might take a nap before picking up Libra Girlfriend, who is having her hair done.

DAMN! I AM GETTING BLOOD DRAWN UP THE BUTT!!!!

And I was supposed to get a large, plush drop of blood for being BRAVE and getting my blood drawn twice in FIVE DAYS. I don't know who dropped the ball on that one. I don't know if it was the clinic's fault or the fault of the dude wearing the hat in the picture below----

But I do know this! If the guy in the hat's name is "Brice," I'm gonna have sex with each and every one of his aunts!

AND PRINT IT!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 22, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES GETTING BLOOD DRAWN UP THE BUTT BECAUSE IF I CAN SURVIVE THIS I CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING AND I AM GOING TO KEEP EATING ALL KINDS OF SHIT UNTIL I STOP FEELING SPACEY AS ASS AND THEN I'LL TAKE A NAP AND THE GUY IN THE HAT HAS UNTIL MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO BRING ME MY LARGE, PLUSH DROP OF BLOOD OR I'M FILING A LAWSUIT AND WILL BEGIN BANGING HIS AUNTS AND I'M STARTING WITH THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE, BUT THAT'S ONLY IF HIS NAME IS "BRICE." OTHERWISE, IT'S OKAY.

The Dotman's joke today is about Dave Coulier's ex-girlfriend.

Lucky us.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Norman Bates

2008-07-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

All y'all reading 'bout the golf today and I know what y'all be thinkin'--

Y'all thinkin' that Norman Bates blew it at the British Opens yesterday.

Y'all sayin', "That dude's a poser. He sucked ass big time in that 4th round. Them first three rounds wuz a fluke. That's all that shit was. A FLUKE."

Yeah? Well guess whats?

Ain't no fluke.

First off, motherfucker's 137 years old. I'd like to see your ass hitting a golf ball when you's 137 years old and see if y'all be leadin' the British Opens after three rounds.

Shit.

Second off, dude be bangin' Ivan Lendl.

WHO GIVES A SHITS how you golf when you bangin' that piece of ass? That is a piece of ass that no man be bangin' 'cept for Norman Bates and he be lovin' every minute of that shit. Here's what Norman Bates said 'bout bangin' Ivan Lendl.

"It's the fifth greatest sex I've ever had."

That's straight from Norman Bates's mouth, mothafucka! Who all got time to focus on no golf tournament when he havin' the fifth greatest sex of his life?"

Shit.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 21, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES NORMAN BATES CUZ Y'ALL DON'T KNOW. YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU DON'T KNOW HE BANGING IVAN LENDL AND HAVING HIMSELF THE FIFTH GREATEST SEX OF HIS ENTIRE LIFE. Y'ALL DON'T KNOW.

That skinny-ass Dotman be back, too. Ain't no shit goin' right today. None.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - David Lynch's Autograph

2008-07-20T15:31:00.001-07:00

Haven't felt this good in months.

IN MONTHS!

I am currently watching "Bufalo '66" on DVD. I purchased this DVD in 2005 on Amazon and it's taken me 3 years to finally unwrap it and put it in the DVD Player.

But I'm watching it now and it's currently the scene where Anjelica Huston is asking Vincent Gallo if he wants a ginger ale.

SO!

As you can see, there is ALL KINDS of shit happening for me right now.

I am on the proverbial ROLL!!!!

In addition to the above, I got a message from a YouTube user today who told me she enjoyed my David Lynch impression videos and she sent me a picture of a tattoo she has, which is a tattoo of David Lynch's autograph.

Her tattoo looks like this---

(And that's a Log Lady tattoo just above the autograph tattoo.)

PLUS!

I have TWO of David Lynch's autographs in my possesssion myself!

One is right here----

It's an autograph in a book. I got that one directly from David Lynch at a book signing.

The second David Lynch autograph is right here---

It's a DVD autograph on "Inland Empire." My friend's friend got that when he ran into David Lynch at a book store and told David Lynch he would buy one of David Lynch's DVDs if David Lynch wouldn't mind signing it. David Lynch agreed.

Then my friend's friend got home and realized he didn't really want the David Lynch DVD, so he gave it to my friend.

And then my friend gave it to me!!!

Yeah, friends!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 20, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES DAVID LYNCH'S AUTOGRAPH FOR BEING TATTOOED ON THE RIGHT CALF OF A YOUTUBE USER WHO LIKES MY DAVID LYNCH IMPRESSION VIDEOS, FOR BEING IN A BOOK THAT I BOUGHT AT BORDER'S BOOKS IN WESTWOOD, FOR BEING ON AN "INLAND EMPIRE" DVD THAT MY FRIEND'S FRIEND INDIRECTLY GOT FOR ME AND YEAH, FRIENDS!!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Heath Ledger's Spirit

2008-07-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

Saw "Da Dark Knight" last night. It's a movie about Batman. It good. Damn good.

Libra Girlfriend be psychic so she told me she could hear Heath Ledger's voice during the movie. He was "happy," girlfriend said. He said he was really excited about the movie and kept saying, "I can't believe that's me!" He was very happy with his performance.

And girlfriend said overall that he seemed to be in a really good place. So that was good to hear. And the movie was good, too, so that was even better. Pretty much the awesomest action movie of all-time. Even awesomer than the kick-ass action movie "Billy Martin: The Man. The Myth. The Manager."

Here is Libra Girlfriend posing with Heath Ledger's costume from "Da Dark Knight."

The photo is dark, but SO IS THE MOVIE, so it's like a THEME! A THEME OF DARKNESS!!!

And nothing says "darkness" like growing your own pistachios!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 19, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES HEATH LEDGER'S SPIRIT FOR TALKING TO LIBRA GIRLFRIEND DURING "DA DARK KNIGHT," FOR BEING IN A GOOD PLACE, FOR BEING EXCITED ABOUT HIS AWESOME PERFORMANCE IN "DA DARK KNIGHT," AND SOON I WILL BE GROWING MY OWN PISTACHIOS AND THEY WILL BE DELICIOUS AS FUCK AND NO COPS.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - The "Heathcliff" Theme Song

2008-07-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

Not long ago in a very recent time when in the past there were things that happened, one of those things that happened is that Libra Girlfriend and I watched a WHOLE thirty minutes of cartoon openings from the '80s.

And one of those openings was from the cartoon "Heathcliff."

Heathcliff looks like this---

And you can watch the "Heathcliff" theme song right here---

It's pretty much the greatest song ever written.

IN FACT!

It would be in my Top 5 songs of all-time.

Here are my 5 Favorite Songs of all-time in no particular order---

10. "The Living Years" by Mike & The Mechanics
2. The "Love Boat" Theme Song
5. Cheese
17. "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul
43. "Sometimes a Fantasy" by Billy Joel
3. "Chips" Theme Song
23. Tom Hanks
47. "Don't Be Cruel" by Bobby Brown
18. "Lady in Read" by... some dude
3. "Jumpin' Jack Flash" by The Beatles
3. 3

And MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE SONG OF ALL-TIME is------

"PORK CHOP SANDWICHES" BY G.I. JOE

G.I. Joe looks like this---

And he knows owls.

HE KNOWS ALL THE OWLS!!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 18, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE "HEATHCLIFF" THEME SONG FOR BEING A SONG YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO AND WATCH IN A VIDEO AND YOU LIKE TO SING IT AND IT'S IN YOUR TOP-5 SONGS OF ALL-TIME AND YOUR FAVORITE SONG OF ALL-TIME IS "PORK CHOP SANDWICHES" AND G.I. JOE KNOWS ALL THE OWLS. ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In addition to knowing owls, if you stand behind a podium, G.I. Joe will show up and he will kick your ass!!!!

Here's G.I. Joe getting mad at people standing behind podiums and threatening ass-kicking right here---

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Not giving the fucks the satisfaction.

2008-07-17T17:43:00.000-07:00

Damn effin' McDonald's kicking my ass again...

Hadn't eaten McDonald's in like 97 years and then two months ago my car gets rear-ended in a parking lot (no major damage) so me and Libra Girlfriend are driving home and I'm in a bad mood and I say to her, "Let's go to McDonald's." So we go there and get happy meals and Kung-Fu Panda toys and shit and then I end up acting a short film a few weeks later where I do kung-fu martial arts and when we're filming there's not much food on the set so before I go to the set each morning, I get McDonald's for breakfast. I suck down a sausage biscuit and some orange juice and I'm good to go.

Went another month or so without McDon's, but then this morning Libra girlfriend and I are up at the crack of dawn and she's hungry as fuck because she didn't eat nothing last night save for some edamame and a Toblerone®. (For the record, I had the EXACT SAME dinner last night and it was DELICIOUS.)

So we go to McDonald's and order the Sausage McMuffin Meal for G-friend and then I get an order of hash browns and a small orange juice for myself.

Anyway, long story short---

They gave me a LARGE orange juice. Charged me the large price, too.

I was going to post a picture of the large orange juice, but then I was like, "Don't give it the satisfaction, the fuck!"

I remember in the movie "Goodfellas" (and someday I'm going to make a sequel to "Goodfellas" and call it "AWESOMEfellas" and then I'm going to be rich, my friend!)

And I remember in the movie "Goodfellas" where Ray "I Was Never in the Film 'Turbulence'" Liotta and Bobby "Deer Hunter" DeNiro are leaving a diner and there's two detectives sitting in a parking lot (or maybe they're FBI guys) and "Deer Hunter" walks over to the FBI guys's car and knocks on their window because they've fallen asleep and "Turbulence" says to "Deer Hunter"---

"Don't give them the satisfaction, those fucks."

And then "Deer Hunter" says to the FBI guys this---

"Come on, fuckos. Let's go for a ride."

And then "Turbulence" does his laugh and they drive off.

NOW! I knew if I put "Ray Liotta laughing" into the search box on YouTunes, that SOMEBODY, SOMEWHERE would have posted a video. Personally, I was hoping for a 5-minute reel of "Turbulence" laughing in ALL of his movies, but I got this one and it will most certainly do the trick. Thank you, BLSCRW!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 17, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES NOT GIVING THE FUCKS THE SATISFACTION, WHETHER IT BE A PLURAL 'FUCKS' LIKE IN THE MOVIE 'GOODFELLAS' OR WHETHER IT BE A SINGULAR 'FUCK' LIKE THE LARGE MCDONALD'S ORANGE JUICE I WAS GIVEN TODAY BECAUSE WHENEVER YOU'RE DEALING WITH A FUCK AND/OR A FUCKS, YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO GIVE THEM THE SATISFACTION AND MORE POWER TO YOU THE CONSUMER BECAUSE BOY, OH, BOY!

Here's another "Instant Classic" from YouTunes User "BLSCRW"---

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Philip Seymour Hoffman's Dad

2008-07-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

I was on the Book they call Face yesterday and I came across one of the greatest banner ads of all-time.

It looked like this---

At first I was all like, "Hey! It's Philip Seymour Hoffman's Dad! I've always wanted to talk to him and now here's my chance!"

Then I realized that I CAN'T talk to him because I'm not 26 and I don't need money.

DAMMIT!!!

Why do 26 year-olds who need money get to have all the fun? I'd like to get in Philip Seymour Hoffman's Dad's pants, too. But I don't get to because I'm not the appropriate age. God damn this government and it's narrow effing age restrictions. I am an INDIVIDUAL! You hear me, government??? I can not be categorized like an effin' sheep. I want to have sex with Philip Seymour Hoffman's Dad and believe you me, I will find a way.

And while P.S.H.'s Dad is busy showing me how to make $1000 a day, I'm going to be showering him with PASSION!!!!!

Passion looks like this---

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 16, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN'S DAD FOR BEING IN A BANNER AD ON FACEBOOK, FOR WANTING TO HELP 26 YEAR-OLDS GET MONEY, FOR BEING A PERSON THAT I WANT TO BANG IMMENSELY, AND FOR BEING A PERSON WHO I WILL GET INTO THE PANTS OF REGARDLESS OF GOVERNMENT AGE RESTRICTIONS AND I WILL SHOWER HIM WITH PASSION AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT PASSION LOOKS LIKE!

It looks like this---

ALSO!!! Remember how in a blog a while back I wrote that it's very possible I was George Bernard Shaw in a previous life?

Well, thanks to YouTunes, I was able to unearth this video of George Bernard Shaw from 1994 and tell me, just TELL ME if you don't think that he and I walk the same!

Never seen me walk before???? Neither have you!!!!!

But Passion HAS!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Chan Poling

2008-07-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Libra Girlfriend and I were hanging out last night and once again we were NOT EATING NACHOS. We have never eaten nachos in the entire time that we've known each other and it's really starting to piss me off.

I blame Alan Thicke.

Then, OUT OF NOWHERE, I checked my email and I saw this---

And I was all like, "Chan Poling added me as a friend on Facebook? The LEAD SINGER of The Suburbs???"

Then I was like, "This is AWESOME! Chan Poling is a FAN of mine!!!" Then I was like, "Wait, which of my roles is he a fan of? Is he a fan of my David Lynch videos? Or maybe the Dotman Jokes? No, wait--- I bet he LOVES the whole i'm Talkathon® and now he wants to network with my ass!"

CHAN POLING WANTS TO NETWORK WITH MY ASS!!!

Then I logged onto Facebook and I found that it was ChanDLER Poling who wanted to be my friend. And actually it totally said ChanDLER Poling in the email, too, but I'd thought that "Chan" was short for "Chandler" anyway, so I still figured it was the same person. But it turns out that it was ChanDLER Poling and ChanDLER Poling is a friend of mine who I bowl with sometimes and it is an equal honor to be friends with Chandler as it is with Chan and butterflies, but here is a Suburbs video to brighten up your day---

And here is a fantastic book for you to read!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 15, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CHAN POLING FOR BEING IN THE SUBURBS, FOR NOT ADDING DOTSON AS A FACEBOOK FRIEND, FOR NOT BEING A FAN OF DOTSON AND FOR HAVING AN AWESOME "LOVE IS THE LAW" VIDEO AND DOTSON ALSO SALUTES CHANDLER POLING FOR HAVING A SIMILAR NAME TO CHAN POLING AND FOR BEING AN AWESOME PERSON TO BOWL WITH AND HERE IS A FANTASTIC BOOK FOR YOU TO READ.

The Dotman is on hiatus!

REJOICE!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Returning Unwatched Netflix

2008-07-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

We are so in Cancer.

And whenever we're in Cancer, that means my energy is going to be low. The reason for this is that I have a lot of planets in Capricorn, and Cancer and Capricorn oppose one another on the Zodiac Wheel.

So basically what that means is that while we're in Cancer, I'm going to look like this---

BUT! The good news is that I've been through Cancer many times before and I know that as soon as it passes and we get into Leo, I'm gonna get my mojo back. I'm gonna move and groove and kick all kinds of ass, and at that point I'm going to thrive and I will look like this---

LOOK AT ME THRIVE!! LOOK AT ME THRIVE!!!!

But until that day comes and I once again thrive, I'm having trouble getting motivated to do much of anything.

I don't even have the energy to watch my Netflix movies!!!!

How lazy can you get????

So what happened is that I said to myself that if I can't muster the energy to watch my 3 Netflix flicks, I will instead return them and get 3 fresh ones that I can also ignore.

Here is a list of the 3 Netflix movies I just returned---

1. "Kill Bill Vol. 1"

4. "Orgasm"

8. Wake Up!! No, Seriously! Wake The Eff Up, People! Yes, You! Wake Up! Penis!"

And here is a list of the next 3 movies in my Queue--

1.

14.

11.

Can't hardly wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 11, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES RETURNING UNWATCHED NETFLIX BECAUSE WE'RE IN CANCER RIGHT NOW AND IT'S REEKING HAVOC WITH YOUR CAPRICORN PLANETS AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO WATCH THE NETFLIXES RIGHT NOW SO YOU SEND THEM IN FOR SOME NEW NETFLIXES THAT YOU MAY OR MAY NOT WATCH, BUT LIBRA GIRLFRIEND IS PRETTY SURE IF YOU GET "THE ADVENTURES OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN" THAT SHE WILL WATCH THAT.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - TheWereWolfkid

2008-07-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

I have been traveling all over the world the past two weeks. I went to both Brooklyn, Manhattan, and Boston.

Now I find myself back at home and I have to admit I feel a bit fuzzy. The brain just isn't as sharp as it normally is. Girlfriend thinks it's because when you travel your survival instincts are way high and when you get back home you can subconsciously relax again and then you realize that you're tired.

That works for me.

HEY!!! I bought the Penguin Humidifier at Target!!!!

And later in the day I discovered the greatest music video of all-time. It's called "Gimme Some Fucking Water" and it was uploaded by a person named TheWereWolfkid

You can watch the video right here and be prepared to watch it at least 15 times in rapid succession--

Eff you, Spike Jonze! That's how a REAL music video looks, you overrated sack!

The song was sung by a dude named Eddie Murphy and he looks like this---

I once heard that I'm going to eat a salad. It's true. I am going to eat one.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 10, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THEWEREWOLFKID FOR POSTING THE GREATEST MUSIC VIDEO OF ALL-TIME.

The Dotman is raving about his impression of 7 foot 6 Chinese basketball player Yao Ming.

You can watch it or ignore it right here---

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Loser Jokes

Dotson Salutes - The fact that I'm still rocking New York. And I'm rocking it hard.

2008-07-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

I'm still rocking New York and I'm rocking it hard.

This is a picture of me rocking New York HARD---

See how hard I'm rocking New York? That's how you know you are rocking a city hard-- when you pose in front of a "Sweet Only" Sign.

But that's how I roll. I either rock hard or I don't rock at all.

And here's another picture of me rocking New York hard---

See that hardness? Can you taste it? That's pretty much as hard as it gets when it comes to rocking something.

Yesterday I did a bus tour where they took us around to a bunch of places where movies and television shows have been shot in The Windy City.

This is the store that inspired the "Soup Nazi" character from "Everybody Loves Raymond."

And here is the house that was used on "Cheers."

And this be the apartment building from "The Facts of Life" where Ross and Phoebe first learned how to make bubble gum.

And then also on the tour they took us to this "gourmet" rice pudding joint where we were all encouraged to sample and then purchase rice pudding-- especially the peach-flavored.

I elected not to sample the jive. The other reason we stopped there is because they shot a scene from the movie "Fucking Asshole" there starring Bill Smith

and seeing how Bill Smith is going to be President of the United States someday, I didn't want to eat rice pudding there because I don't eat rice pudding at the places where movies were filmed starring future presidents because I am not now and never will be political because flavors in and around touché the troll, the troll, he sits on the bowl and whenever he trolls around can be found the cat in the mouth where the wild things grow and forever and ever we will never know except when the hood of the Lincoln goes "pop" and later when we are out dusting our crops we will find, we will find, an incredible egg and you can water the ground but don't call me a fag.

That's a limerick!

P.S. -- This is a picture of a bakery-turned-comic shop. And once again I am rocking it h-a-r-d.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 5, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE FACT THAT I'M STILL ROCKING NEW YORK AND I'M ROCKING IT HARD BECAUSE LOOK AT THE PICTURES AND SEE HOW HARD I'M ROCKING THIS THING AND YOU WILL BE AMAZED AND HOW CAN YOU NOT THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT I'M NOT THE KIND OF PERSON TO ROCK SOMETHING HARD BECAUSE I EITHER ROCK HARD OR I DON'T ROCK AT ALL AND YOU CAN BE HAPPY THAT I POSTED THOSE PICTURES FROM THE BUS TOUR BECAUSE I JUST SAVED YOU $42 PLUS $5 TIP FOR THE TOUR GUIDE OF THE BUS WHO DIDN'T EVEN THANK ME FOR THE TIP BUT IT'S NOT HER FAULT BECAUSE WE'RE IN CANCER RIGHT NOW AND MY VENUS IS IN CAPRICORN SO I'M ABOUT AS APPEALING AS BILL SMITH.

In addition!

This dude wrote a blog recently about the Parker Whittle character that I play on that Microsoft Campaign. It's pretty weird. You can read it here.

And in case you missed it (And I'm sure you DID!), this is the Dotman's Joke from July 4th.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Seeing Shit

2008-07-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

Saw some shit today.

Tired now. Did assloads of walking.

Art--

Art--

Art--

This one supposedly is worth $45 million.

Art--

This one is by Vincent van Gogh (Or as his friends called him-- "Vincent van Fuck Chops." See, I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't purchased the headphones and done the self-guided tour. That's why you ALWAYS do the fucking self-guided tour. ALWAYS!!!)

Hot Dog--

Bob Dylan's old Greenwich Village Apartment--

Peter Gabriel--

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 3, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES SEEING SHIT, SPECIFICALLY THE SHIT HE SAW ON JULY 2ND AND HE WOULD HAVE POSTED THIS BLOG THE EVENING OF JULY 2ND BUT HE REALIZED HE HAD ALREADY POSTED A BLOG THE MORNING OF JULY 2ND, SO HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO TWO BLOG POSTINGS ON THE SAME DAY SO HE SAVED THIS BLOG FOR TODAY AND IT'S NOT LIKE THE SHIT IS THAT OLD-- HE JUST SAW THE SHIT YESTERDAY-- SO IT'S STILL RELATIVELY FRESH SHIT AND PETER GABRIEL.

Today's Dotman Joke isn't ready yet. And with any luck, maybe it will never be!!!

Microsoft, however, did post a new i'm Talkathon video. It can be viewed here.

i'm Talkathon

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - "Bone Me" Island

2008-07-02T04:32:00.001-07:00

I'm on vacation, so I'm having trouble getting motivated to blog.

I'd rather floss.

But basically what happened is that Monday I went to "Bone Me" Island.

I ate a hot dog---

I saw a live chimpanzee--

I stood next to a mural--

I had the greatest pizza ever---

And I went to a minor league baseball game---

Also, in case you didn't know, the war is over and M'Arthur is ruling the Japs.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 2, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "BONE ME" ISLAND ON MONDAY BECAUSE I GOT TO EAT A HOT DOG, SEE A LIVE CHIMPANZEE, STAND NEXT TO A MURAL, EAT DAMN FINE PIZZA, GO TO A MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL GAME AND M'ARTHUR IS RULING THE JAPS.

New videos galore!

There's a new video up at the i'm Talkathon site, or you can watch it right here---

Also, The Dotman has a new video (NATURALLY!) and that sucker is here--

i'm Talkathon

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Brooklyn

2008-06-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was to be a full-on kite-flying-picnic day at Prospect Park in Brooklyn.

Prospect Park looks like this---

Man, I sure could have gone for some of that action!

But what happened is that God thought it would be a GREAT IDEA if it were to rain hard and lightning yesterday afternoon. So it did. And the picnic got rained out. ALSO! My Libra friend was supposed to fly to Detroit yesterday on business and his flight couldn't leave due to the weather. So the devastation knew no bounds!

So instead of picnicking and doing waterfalls and whatnot, my Pisces friend and his girlfriend (pictured below) and I went to my Pisces friend's house and kicked it there.

FIRST, we watched "The Presidio" on Blu-Ray DVD!

Then my Pisces friend's roommate and his roommate's girlfriend made us dinner!

This is a picture of my Pisces friend's roommate making dinner in the background and me being excited about dinner in the foreground.

ALSO! Pisces friend's girlfriend made PUDDING!!!!!!!!!

Finally, all of us adjourned to the common room to play poker.

This is what us playing poker looks like---

I walked away up $15.70 on the evening. And when you factor in the $15.70 with the fact that I also got a free dinner and free pudding and free popcorn (I hadn't even mentioned the POPCORN yet,) ALSO I just remembered I got a free sandwich earlier in the day! So when you add all that up, it means that Brooklyn is the place to be for free stuff and poker winnings and so what if it rained because we had an awesome time and God can't prevent me from living my life to the fullest and I was talking to my Libra friend just now and he and I agreed that MySpace is "ass" and that Friendster is "assier."

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 30, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BROOKLYN BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH GOD RAINS OUT YOUR PICNIC, THERE'S STILL THINGS TO DO LIKE EAT FREE MEALS AND WATCH "THE PRESIDIO" AND WIN AT POKER AND THAT PUDDING WAS DELICIOUS.

The Dotman continues to broadcast his Jokes of the Day from my Libra friend's bathroom doorway in Brooklyn. I believe today's joke is about Nelson Mandela.

i'm Talkathon

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Chelsea & Broadway

2008-06-29T08:07:00.001-07:00

My allergies are killing me! That's why I like living in L.A. I don't get allergies there. But if I go home to Minneapolis or if I go to New York, it's like BAM! I have allergies again. Just like that.

Whatevs. I'm strong. I'll make it through.

Yesterday I met up with my Just-barely Gemini Friend (He was born June 21) and we went to some galleries in the Chelsea area. One of the galleries we went to was called Paul Kasmin Gallery.

My Just-barely Gemini Friend took a picture of some bears in a tree--

We also went to other galleries called Mike Weiss Gallery, Aperture and Shafrazi. There were a couple others, as well, but I didn't write the names down in my cell phone. All the galleries was free. So that was cool. The art cost money, though. And a lot of the art was EXPENSIVE (Much of it costing over $5), so we decided not to buy any.

Later we got burgers at this joint called The Half King. It's co-owned by the dude who wrote "The Perfect Storm," starring George Clooney.

This is a picture of the bathroom from The Half King.

I took this picture because the urinal was pretty high up on the wall. More higher up than urinals usually are! When I got up to it, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get my thing over it without the assistance of a step of some kind. But I did it!

Later Libra friend and I walked around Chelsea and took pictures outside of and inside The Chelsea Hotel. That's where Sid Vicious died.

This is what the outside looks like--

And the inside is like an art gallery in and of itself!!

Then we went to the Fratiron Building.

I thought there would be more frat guys there, but there weren't. Didn't see any, in fact.

After all that jive, it was time to go to our Broadway show. We saw "Spamalot." Allergies were kicking the asses of both me and my Libra friend throughout the show. I had stockpiled a bunch of toilet paper and napkins from The Half King before arriving at the theater and me and Libra friend burned threw it all.

Then when the show was over, my Libra friend and Pisces friend begrudgingly let me walk around Times Square for a bit.

Then we got Vietnamese food.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 29, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CHELSEA AND BROADWAY BECAUSE YOU GET TO GO TO ART GALLERIES FOR FREE AND THEN YOU GO TO HAMBURGER HAMLET AND USE A URINAL THAT'S PRETTY HIGH UP ON THE WALL, BUT YOU'RE ABLE TO URINATE IN IT ANYWAY AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF NOW AND YOU KNOW THAT WHEN IT COMES TO URINALS BEING PRETTY HIGH UP ON THE WALL THAT THEY CAN'T STOP YOU AND YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.

Also, that i'm Talkathon I acted in is being advertised all over myspace today and I've been getting some pretty weird emails from folks, including an email from Actor/Writer/Comedian/Capricorn Jonathan Mangum.

Here's what Jonathan wrote--

Your name is not Parker you lying ass commercial whore motherfucker.

-Jonathan

It's fun to get fan mail! FUN!

i'm Talkathon

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Dotsons Salutes - Williamsburg

2008-06-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

In 1993,I went to a place called Williamsburg with my mom and sisters. It looked like this---

There were all these old dudes with muskets fake fighting and shooting at each other without anyone ever dying and I was like, "Why won't some of these guys die? My mom paid like $160 to get the 4 of us in here and she's a teacher and doesn't have a lot of money, so at the very least one of these old dudes should die."

But nobody ever died and my mother and sisters and I left Williamsburg very disappointed.

But that was 15 years ago!

TODAY, Williamsburg looks like this---

And you don't have to pay ANYTHING to get in. It's free. And you can just walk around and take pictures of things and people pretty much leave you alone and there aren't any muskets.

Here's some more of what Williamsburg looks like today---
(Click on any picture and it will enlarge!!!)

AND PRINT IT!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 28, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES WILLIAMSBURG FOR NO LONGER COSTING MONEY TO GET INTO, FOR NOT HAVING A BUNCH OF OLD DUDES WITH MUSKETS RUNNING AROUND, FOR BEING IN NEW YORK INSTEAD OF VIRGINIA NOW AND FOR BEING A NICE PLACE FOR TAKING PICTURES.

They uploaded a new video to the i'm Talkathon site. You can watch it there or you can watch it RIGHT HERE!!!!!

i'm Talkathon

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - New York

2008-06-27T07:54:00.001-07:00

I am totally in New York right now. Have you ever been here? It's AWESOME.

There's all these bridges and water and stuff. And buildings. And there's fire hydrants and narrow streets and subways and things.

I'm staying at my Libra friend's loft. This is a picture of his kitchen and my hair---

Last night he and I visited our Pisces friend at the restaurant where he works. I ordered pho and my friend had a beef salad.

AFTERWARDS!

We shared a few ice cream cookies and a chocolate brownie for dessert.

We totally had a date!

Later the romance continued as he and I walked along the East River, just under the Manhattan Bridge. In fact, we were in a part of town called "DUMBO," which I understand means "Directly Under The Manhattan Bridge Overpass." Or something like that.

I miss Libra Girlfriend.

The i'm Talkathon continues, and my character Parker uploaded a new video today on YouTube. It looks like this--

Nobody had rated the video yet, so I took it upon myself to give it 5 stars.

I really need to brush my teeth.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 27, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES NEW YORK BECAUSE THERE'S BRIDGES AND WATERS AND STUFF AND BUILDINGS AND YOU GET TO STAY AT YOUR LIBRA FRIEND'S LOFT AND HAVE A NICE DINNER WITH HIM, COMPLETE WITH LUSCIOUS DESSERTS AND WALKS BY THE WATER AND THE I'M TALKATHON CONTINUES AND YOU'RE GOING TO CREATE A NEW THING CALLED A "TALKA THONG" WHERE YOU TALK TO THONGS ALL DAY AND IT WILL RULE.

The Dotman followed me to New York as well and he lured my poor Libra Friend into one of his videos.

The i'm Talkathon

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Mini Golf

2008-06-24T17:50:00.000-07:00

Today, Libra Girlfriend and I played mini golf.

I get really excited whenever I play mini golf.

One of the holes also featured a house.

Oddly enough, Girlfriend hit her ball into the house and it never came out (And it wasn't even the 18th hole!) So, since her ball never came out, from that hole on, she and I shared a ball.

Neither of us got a hole-in-one, but there were several hole-in-twos.

And we also got ICEEs.

Oh, and we tried to go to their batting cage as well, but we couldn't because we didn't have close-toed shoes.

But we DID get ICEEs!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 24, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES MINI GOLF BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU REALLY EXCITED AND LIBRA GIRLFRIEND LOSES HER GOLF BALL IN A HOUSE BUT YOU GET ICEES AND YOU COULDN'T USE THE BATTING CAGES BUT YOU GOT ICEES.

In other news, those webisodes I did for Microsoft launched today. You can view the first one here--

i'm Talkathon

There's one webisode on there now and I reckon they're going to post the other 14 we shot over the next 30 days, so check back there from time to time if you want to see more.

And in more other news, The Dotman of course has a new joke of the day and I'm sure he's once again talking about his father's perverted sex life.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Mondays

2008-06-23T13:11:00.001-07:00

Things are finally settling down a bit for the Dot. We wrapped the funny kung fu comedy movie yesterday. It was a lot of fun and should be hilarious. I will post a link for that sucker when it's on the worldwide web.

Last night Libra Girlfriend and I saw "You Don't Screw with the Sandman," starring Adam Samberg and Rick Swardson.

Both Girlfriend and I were in need of some mindless entertainment following a busy week for both of us, not to mention that it was HOT AS BALLS the past few days in L.A.

And do you have ANY IDEA how HOT balls are? They're pretty 'EFFIN HOT and that's why you need to keep them in the air!!!!

Soon girlfriend and I will take her car to get it washed. Later we will drop in on my Sagittarian friend who is going to make us all a quiche. Or a few quiches. I'm not sure how all this works.

ALSO!!!

It's never to early to make your daughter think she's a sweaty whore!!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 23, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES MONDAYS BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT YOU JUST FINISHED SHOOTING A KUNG FU COMEDY MOVIE AND NOW LIFE SLOWS DOWN FOR YOU A BIT AND YOU GET TO SCREW WITH THE SANDMAN AND YOU GET TO TAKE LIBRA GIRLFRIEND'S CAR TO THE WASH AND YOUR FRIENDS WILL MAKE YOU QUICHE AND YOUR DAUGHTER IS A WHORE.

Today's Dotman Joke actually features TWO jokes. So that means you have twice as many opportunities to not laugh.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - The Word "Frinkin"

2008-06-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

I continue to find myself in the midst of business. Today I was up at 7:15 am.

7:15 AM!!!!

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WAKES UP AT 7:15 AM??????

Anyway, I rolled out of bed in the middle of the night and made it to the set of the kung fu comedy movie I've been acting in the past couple of days. Today we shot a few scenes at Libra Girlfriend's place. I like hanging out there anyway because one of her roommates has a lot of interesting books.

The shoot went well! We even got free Subway® for lunch!!!

Before I forget, two weeks ago Girlfriend and I saw this seedy-looking van in a parking lot and someone had scrawled this message on the van---

AWESOME!!

Somebody definitely DID NOT want that van hanging out there any longer. And sometimes when people get angry at vans, they use the word "Frinkin," because that is sometimes the only word that can truly describe how it feels to get mad at a van.

AL FRINKIN!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 18, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE WORD "FRINKIN" FOR BEING A WORD THAT BEST DESCRIBES ONE'S ANIMOSITY TOWARDS A VAN THAT IS PARKED SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU DON'T WANT IT TO BE PARKED AND YOU DON'T WANT IT SIMPLY TO BE "MOVED," YOU WANT IT TO BE "MOVED AWAY!!!"

Did you catch Dotman's Angelina Jolie impression yesterday?

Me either!!!!

Here's another lame video from the man they call "Dot."

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Heavy Effin' Metal

2008-06-17T17:32:00.000-07:00

Last night!!!!

Libra Girlfriend and I and her Pisces friend and her Pisces friend's Leo brother and ME went to see a band called "Steel Panther" and they were tight!!

They played songs by Van Halens and Poisons and Motley Crues and Bon Jovis and even did a Journeys song!

And in between songs they talked and did fun stuff like bringing 14-year-old girls on stage (Or maybe they were in 6th grade) and encouraging the girls to show the audience their breasts!!!

Some of the girls who came on stage throughout the night even appeared to be legal! And those girls all had fake breasts, but breasts are breasts, so when women show them to you in a public place, you look at them, but you know that the 14-year-old-girl was the one with the real ones and she wasn't Mexican, even though the lead singer kept calling her Mexican.

But the lead singer also said "cock" and "vagina" a lot.

IN ADDITION!!!

Prior to the Panther Band, there was another band called "Ghost in the Flesh" and that band had a bass player who apparently very much enjoyed his job because he was right in the center of the stage and was very expressive!

I looked him up and his name is Mikey Atilano. And if I had to guess, I would have to say that he is either an Aries or a Gemini or a Scorpio. Or perhaps a Cancer. I could even see him being an Aquarius, but I doubt it.

At any rate, here is a video of Mikey Atilano doing his thing and being awesome and obviously liking his job.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 17, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES HEAVY EFFIN' METAL BECAUSE YOU GET TO SEE A BAND CALLED STEEL PANTHER AND THE LEAD SINGER SAYS "COCK" AND "VAGINA" A LOT AND HE GETS CHICKS TO SHOW THEIR BREASTS AND ONE OF THEM WAS EVEN REAL AND THE BASS PLAYER FROM GHOST IN THE FLESH IS SOMEONE I AM STRONGLY CONSIDERING GOING AS FOR HALLOWEEN OR MAYBE I'LL DRESS UP LIKE HIM EVEN IF IT ISN'T HALLOWEEN BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS THE PERFECT OCCASION TO DRESS UP LIKE A BASS PLAYER.

Today Dotman tries his hand at doing an impression of actress Angelina Jolie and fails miserably.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Worthless Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Jayne Mansfield

2008-06-15T19:42:00.001-07:00

Libra Girlfriend has been told by two different psychics that she was Jayne Mansfield in a previous life.

So today she decided she wanted to take a look at her old stomping grounds at 10100 Sunset Boulevard.

That's where Libra Girlfriend lived when she was Jayne Mansfield. The house was known as "The Pink Palace," and had this heart-shaped pool.

(The Band Nirvana would later write a song based on the heart-shaped pool, but they had to change the name of the song to "Heart Shaped Box" to avoid a lawsuit. Rumor has it that the reason Kurt Cobain was so tortured and depressed throughout his life is because he was never invited to swim in the heart-shaped pool.)

At any rate, the house is no longer there. The land and trees are still there, so that's pretty cool. But no house. It was torn down in 2002. All that's there now is a "Beware of Dog" sign.

Libra Girlfriend was sad that her house is no longer there. Fortunately, though, we were very close to this awesome ice cream and cookies store I'd heard about, so we went to it and got ice cream and cookies!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 15, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES JAYNE MANSFIELD FOR HAVING LIVED AT 10100 SUNSET BOULEVARD, FOR HAVING A HEART-SHAPED POOL THAT WAS A MAJOR INFLUENCE ON THE CAREER OF KURT COBAIN, AND FOR BEING LIBRA GIRLFRIEND IN THIS LIFETIME.

Oh, yeah. This is that outfit I wore yesterday---

Now I'm going to read the book "Are You Really Too Sensitive?"

Chris Dotson

The Wonderful World of Dotman

Dotson Salutes - Entertaining black people in Venice Beach.

2008-06-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

Just got home from EVEN MORE martial arts training. Totally fried. Now looks like me and Libra Girlfriend are going to walk to a Cuban Restaurant. And if we can't get in there, we're going to the Japanese joint next door. The Japanese joint is always SO QUIET. It's like eating in an effin' library.

EARLIER! In the day! As part of this martial arts/kung fu comedy I'm acting in, we went out to Venice Beach and me and the other actor were doing our "training scene," so they had us wear silly shirts and SUPER SHORT SHORTS and headbands and silly socks and you get the idea.

So we strectched and did silly stuff at the beach while people looked at us and laughed. At one point, me and the other actor were doing jumping jacks and push-ups right by Muscle Beach (Yes, THE Muscle Beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and this family of African Americans started cracking up big time, and one of the black people, named Jason, came up to me and the actor and asked to have his picture taken with us. And we were all like, "Sure, Jason! Come have your picture taken with us!"

Jason was happy.

Then some dude came over and told us we had to stop filming.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 14, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES ENTERTAINING BLACK PEOPLE IN VENICE BEACH BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE LOVE IT WHEN SCRAWNY WHITE DUDES IN SILLY WORKOUT GARB DO PUSH-UPS AND JUMPING JACKS IN PUBLIC AND IF THERE IS A PERSON IN THEIR GROUP NAMED "JASON," HE WILL ASK TO HAVE HIS PICTURE TAKEN WITH YOU.

I would have posted pictures from today's festivities, but I'm at Girlfriend's and don't have access to the pics. I might post them in a future blog.

Cuban Food, here we come!!!! Get ready, you motherfucking Cuban Food! We're gonna eat the shit out of you!! FUCK YOU!!!!

I'm tired and Girlfriend keeps setting jewelry on my knee and wants me to look at it.

I'm not spell checking this thing.

Dotson Salutes - Being "Still Busy as Ass."

2008-06-13T16:27:00.000-07:00

I am still busy as ass.

This weekend and next week I am acting in a series of webisodes and I need to learn martial arts for the role or at least know enough martial arts stuff so it will look like I know what I'm doing.

So I'm doing that.

ALSO!

A couple nights ago, Libra Girlfriend and I did a "past life progression." I think that's what it was called. Girlfriend is an intuitive/psychic, so what happened is that I lied down on my bed and Girlfriend helped me go deep into my psyche and get in touch with my past lives.

Turns out in one past life I might have been George Bernard Shaw.

I think he was a glassblower or something.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 13, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BEING "STILL BUSY AS ASS" BECAUSE YOU GET TO LEARN A LOT OF MARTIAL ARTS STUFF IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME AND YOU DO PAST LIFE PROGRESSIONS WITH LIBRA GIRLFRIEND AND YOU WERE GEORGE BERNARD SHAW AND HE WAS MAYBE A GLASSBLOWER.

Today's Dotman Joke is about how he thinks he looks like James Dean.

Whatever, Dotman.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Roberto Reiner

2008-06-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

Libra Girlfriend took the day off from work and she and I went to a museum and as we were looking at some Andrew Warhol jive, I saw a dude coming my way and it was none other than Roberto Reiner!

It was awesome! That was worth the $12 admission to the museum right there!

PLUS, it was only another $7 for parking!!!!!!

Only $12 + $7 = ONLY $19 TO SEE ROBERTO REINER!!!!

I love L.A.!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 12, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES ROBERTO REINER FOR BEING AT THE MUSEUM THE SAME TIME AS DOTSON AND LIBRA GIRLFRIEND AND FOR ONLY COSTING $19 TO SEE HIM.

Today's Dotman joke is about the word "staunch."

Chris Dotson

Dotson's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Sore Hamstrings

2008-06-11T16:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to my yoga class for the first time since meeting Libra Girlfriend.

DANG! That was like FIVE WEEKS ago!!!

Anyway, sometimes when I don't do yoga for a while, my first time back I tend to work the poses a little too deeply and then the next day my hamstrings get sore.

They get sore SO EASILY it seems!

SO EASILY!!!

So here I am today with a slight hobble because of the soreness from the hamstrings that occurred during the yoga poses working of too deep.

Want to see what sore hamstrings look like??

OUCH!!!

Also!!

Want an even closer look at the sore hamstrings? (******And be warned, the next picture might be too gruesome for some readers.*********)

Here it is---

YUCK! It's like watching The Surgery Channel® or something!

Get those sick, vile, disgusting hamstring pictures out of my face and make me a single serving of peach sherbet!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 11, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES SORE HAMSTRINGS BECAUSE YOU GET THEM FROM WORKING YOUR YOGA POSES TOO DEEPLY AFTER NOT GOING TO YOGA CLASS IN 5 WEEKS BECAUSE YOU'D RATHER HANG OUT WITH LIBRA GIRLFRIEND AND THEN YOU TAKE GNARLY PICTURES OF THE SORE HAMSTRINGS BUT THE TRUTH MUST BE KNOWN SO YOU DO IT AND PEACH SHERBET IS SO GOOD I COULD FART AND PROBABLY WILL.

Today's Dotman Joke is about former NBA player Earvin "Magic" Johnson. Don't watch it.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - "I am the One and Only"

2008-06-10T15:43:00.000-07:00

So busy all of a sudden!

So busy!

So busy I only find time to blog right after I get out of the shower!

Yesterday I went to file a police report for the hit-n-run and when the officer at the police station was filling out the paper work, he noted that yesterday's date was June 9, and told me that was his ex-wife's birthday. That made me think that he might get in a bad mood with him thinking about the ex-wife, but we actually had a very nice conversation about stuff, like coffee and how he never drank coffee before he joined the force. And then we both agreed that tea is AWESOME!

Also yesterday, Libra Girlfriend and I got Chinese food at a Chinese restaurant and I started singing the greatest song of all time - "I am the One and Only" by Mario Lopez.

And oddly enough, Girlfriend had never heard of the song, which is totally weird because she's seen "Weird Science" like 185 times, but she hasn't seen the movie "Doc Hollywood" (or even HEARD of the movie) and the song is featured in "Doc Hollywood," starring Eric Stoltz.

So then I said to myself, "I am the One and Only" can not die away! I must post the video of the song on my blog so that 14 people can either re-live the song or hear it for the first time of all-time, so here it is without further undues!

DAMNIT! I CAN'T FIND THE ORIGINAL VERSION OF THE SONG! And I don't have time to look for it right now, so here's the dance mix---

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 10, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "I AM THE ONE AND ONLY" AND NOBODY I'D RATHER BE AND GOT TO GET TO AUTO BODY SHOP TO HAVE THEM LOOK AT THE CAR.

Dotman's Joke is about a dirty slut who isn't a dirty slut.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Getting Hit-N-Runned

2008-06-08T23:10:00.000-07:00

Dude. I totally got hit-n-runned today. What happened is that me and Libra Girlfriend went to the pharmacy because she was going to get a refill on some kind of nose spray for her allergy thing and when we came back out, there was this note on my car---

I was all like: "WTF?" And so I got out of the car, and sure enough, I looked at the back of the car and there was some paint chipped off of the bumper. DANG!!!

Somebody totally hit-n-runned me! Girlfriend is pretty psychic and she told me that the guy who did it was bald and/or had a shaved head. But anyway, no hair for this guy.

Also, on that note, the witness put the license plate of the car and the make and model of the thing (I covered that in the picture with my fingers) and so I called my insurance guy and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Bottom line is that I have to "attempt" to file a police report within 24 hours (I'm going to do it tomorrow morning) and then girlfriend and I went to McDonald's.

I NEVER GO TO MCDONALD'S!!!

But then again, I never get hit-n-runned, either.

So it was a special day!!!!

Now Girlfriend and I are at my place and we're watching a TV show called "California's Gold." It's a show hosted by a person who appears to be mentally retarded.

His name is Huell Howser and I just have to say that it's nice to see PBS giving jobs to people who have brain problems because a lot of times these people don't get opportunities to be on television. And I don't care if Huell Howser DOES keep rubbing his microphone on his penis while we're watching this show. Bottom line is the man is doing the best he can with what little God gave him!

THANK YOU TO PBS AND PRESIDENT TED TURNER FOR GIVING HAL HOWSER A JOB!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 8, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES GETTING HIT-N-RUNNED BECAUSE YOU GET SPECIAL NOTES LEFT FOR YOU BY STRANGERS AND THEY PUT A LITTLE SMILEY FACE ON IT AND THEN YOU GET TO SIT IN A PARKING LOT ON THE PHONE WITH YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY FOR A WHILE AND IT GETS HOT INSIDE YOUR CAR AND THEN YOU WATCH A PBS SHOW THAT'S HOSTED BY A PERSON SUFFERING FROM MENTAL RETARDATION AND YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR CAR HAS A FEW SCRATCHES, SURE, BUT AT LEAST YOU HAVE A PRETTY NORMAL BRAIN AND CAN ENJOY MCDONALD'S.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Not switching awesome french fries for less-awesome french fries.

2008-06-07T14:54:00.001-07:00

I eat at this Greek restaurant from time to time. It's a fast food place, but it's good food and it's not terribly expensive. One of my favorite things to get there is the gyro and french fries.

They have AWESOME fries at this place. Tasty as all get-out. And the fries are always fresh and they're always HOT, which is not something you can say about frogs.

But today I went to this restaurant, and when they brought me my gyro and fries, the fries looked like this---

They looked like Burger King® Fries!!! Who wants Burger King® Fries? I was going to ask one of the dudes there if this was like a regular thing now. I was going to be all like, "Where did the awesome fries go? What's with the BK fries?" But then I remembered that I don't like to talk to people I don't know, so I just ate the fries and died a little bit inside with every bite.

Then on my way home the depression hit me really hard with the realization that I might NEVER get to see those delicious, plump french fries again. I mean those original fries were PLUMP AS ASS!

I was so depressed, in fact, that I couldn't even bring myself to stop by the frozen yogurt place and get a plain yogurt with raspberries and chocolate chips on top.

YEAH, RIGHT!!!!!!

I will ALWAYS eat plain frozen yogurt with raspberries and chocolate chips on top.

ALWAYS!!!

AND ALWAY PLUS WITH DRY WEAVE!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 7, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES NOT SWITCHING AWESOME FRENCH FRIES FOR LESS-AWESOME FRENCH FRIES BECAUSE AWESOME FRENCH FRIES ARE PLUMP AS ASS AND SERVED HOT AND LESS-AWESOME FRENCH FRIES ARE SKINNIER AND THEY ACTUALLY DO TASTE OKAY, BUT THEY'RE NOT THE SAME AND YOU DIE A LITTLE INSIDE AND YOU JUST WISH THAT SOMEBODY WOULD HAVE FUCKING *COMMUNICATED* WITH YOU AND AT LEAST GIVEN YOU THE HEAD'S UP THAT THE SHITTY FRIES WERE COMING BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HURTS THE MOST IS THAT YOU THINK THIS FAST-FOOD CHAIN VALUES YOUR BUSINESS AND YOUR FEELINGS BUT THEN THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN AND FORTUNATELY YOU CAN STILL EAT FROZEN YOGURT BECAUSE YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ABLE TO AND ALWAYS PLUS WITH DRY WEAVE.

Also!

Remember how I mentioned I've been acting in some webisodes lately?

Well, in one of the webisodes I got to have a vacuum cleaner explode on me!!!!

DUST!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Amy Polar

2008-06-05T06:02:00.000-07:00

In real life, beginning on last Tuesday, which was three days ago, and finishing up on Friday, which I believe is tomorrow, I have been acting in a series of webisodes and we shot 5 of them on Tuesday, 5 yesterday, and we will shoot 5 more today and it's been fun and it's for a company and The Dot doesn't usually mention what the companies are that he does his commercials and other work for until the product is finished and on the air or up on a website, but whenever these pieces are finished, The Dot will definitely provide a link and by the way last night I had many dreams and in one of the dreams, I was at a party and ran into Amy Polar (Virgo) and in the dream she was still Amy Polar the actress/comic, but she was also a psychic and she was known for her psychic abilities and she wanted to do a reading on me, and I was like, "No thanks," and then she started talking about me anyway, and I told her, "I only want to hear the good stuff," and when I woke up I couldn't remember too much of what she said except at one point she said, "You're so sensitive. You should work alone."

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 5, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES AMY POLAR FOR BEING IN HIS DREAM LAST NIGHT, FOR BEING PSYCHIC IN HIS DREAM AND FOR TELLING HIM THAT HE SHOULD WORK ALONE BECAUSE HE'S A PUSSY.

The Dotman had trouble uploading his joke to YouTube on June 3 (What a shame! I cry!) and not many people saw it (Not many people see ANY of his jokes, of course....) and so he asked me to post it for him here today.

Whatever.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - "Wet Hot American Buttcheeks"

2008-06-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here on the couch with Libra Girlfriend and we're watching "Wet Hot American Buttcheeks."

I've heard of this movie before, but why haven't people run up to me over the years and said, "DUDE!!! You've GOTTA SEE 'Wet Hot American Buttcheeks'!"

I mean, this thing belongs in the same category as "Dazed and Bemused" and "Caddysack."

So why hasn't everyone been telling me to see this shit?

Granted, Girlfriend and I are only 24 minutes into it, so maybe it starts sucking big time at the 25-minute mark, but so far this thing is gold.

PRIOR!

Earlier in the day, Girlfriend and I went to a nature preserve and saw each of these things at NO COST--

1. Dragonfly (Red)
2. Ducks (Over 7 of them. And two had red eyes.)
3. Turtles (Assloads of these bastards. Assloads. I lost track at 17.)
4. Hummingbird
5. A gopher thing
6. Various fish
7. A butterfly that LANDED ON MY HAND! No joke! Believe my eyes! ON MY HAND!!!

Then we ate hamburgers because eff animals.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 1, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "WET HOT AMERICAN BUTTCHEEKS" FOR BEING AN AWESOME MOVIE AND ONE OF THE GREATEST FIRST 24 MINUTES OF COMEDY MOVIE ALL-TIME AND BELONGS IN A HIGH CLASS IF IT DOESN'T GET WORSE AFTER THE 25-MINUTE MARK AND GOING TO A NATURE PRESERVE BECAUSE BUTTERFLIES LAND ON MY HAND AND I EAT COWS.

Chris Dotson

Worst Comedian of All-Time

Dotson Salutes - Brooks Shields

2008-05-31T16:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to Brooks Shields!!!

Today the iconoclast of television and films turns older!!!

When he was younger, Brooks Shields was famous for wearing jeans--

The modeling and the things that went with it were what put Brooks on the map and then when she did other stuff in the film and television TV shows, that's when other fame of a different kind came all the way!

She was on a show called "Suddenly Seymour!"

And on that show was also but not limited to, JUDGE NELSON!!!

And one time in like 2002 or 2003, I was at a bar with my Gemini friend who just got married last weekend (Congratulations, Mike!!) and Judge Nelson showed up to this bar and said something kind of snippy to my friend and my friend and I were regulars at this bar and so my friend who got married last weekend told Judge Nelson to "beat it," but in not-as-nice-of-terms and then cooler heads prevailed and nothing happened.

WONDERFUL STORY!!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes of the Century

Dotson Salutes - Getting Yer Ya-Ya's Out

2008-05-29T18:09:00.000-07:00

I was walking today in a place where people walk and I was listening to my iPod Walkman and the song "Sympathy for the New Jersey Devils" came on and I was like---

"HEY! Right now I'm listening to the STUDIO version of this song, but I remember a time, back in like 1996 when I was listening to a LIVE version of this song and I was visiting a friend in Grinnell, Iowa and that's when I had my VERY FIRST cigarette. And upon finishing that first cigarette, I immediately lit a SECOND cigarette."

I remember that happening!!!!

THAT'S A MEMORY!!!!

I get them all the time!!!

So as soon as I got home, I went to the iPhone website and downloaded that live version of "Sympathy for the New Jersey Devils," which was on an album called "Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out, Motherfucker!!!

And now I'm getting my Ya Ya's Out AND I'm also conceiving of Vanilla Toast.

Why don't they have VANILLA FUCKING TOAST????

They will.

Mark my words.

They will have vanilla fucking toast and I'm going to be the one who brings it to you.

Hope you like chemicals!!!!

Because if you don't, my mom is going to punch you in the ASS!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 29, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES GETTING YER YA YA'S OUT BECAUSE "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL" ON THAT ALBUM IS AWESOME AND IT'S THE SONG YOU LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST AND SECOND CIGARETTES AND WHY DON'T THEY HAVE VANILLA TOAST AND THEY WILL AND MY MOM WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE ASS IF YOU DON'T EAT IT FOUR TIMES AT LEAST.

Today's Dotman Joke is again not funny.

GO FIGURE!!!!

AGAIN!!!

I just realized I never posted the latest David Lynch/Crispin Glover video on the blog yet, so if you haven't seen it, you can watch it.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Charbroiled Burgers

2008-05-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

I had Thai food for lunch today with my Taurus friend and I said to him, "This sucks! We could totally be eating charbroiled burgers right now!"

Then I said, "We could totally be at Flamers® right now!!"

But we weren't at Flamers®. Not even close. We were at a Thai restaurant. With Asians and Armenians and two police officers.

And Flamers® has over 55 great locations!!!!

Up from 40!!!

Not even close. Not even CLOSE!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 28, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CHARBROILED BURGERS BECAUSE YOU CAN EAT THEM INSTEAD OF THAI FOOD FOR LUNCH AND YOU CAN TOTALLY BE AT FLAMERS® THAT HAS OVER 55 GREAT LOCATIONS AND THAT'S UP FROM 40 AND NOT EVEN CLOSE.

Today's Dotman Joke is about---- I don't even want to get into it. You wanna watch it? Go ahead, but don't say I warned you because I didn't.

Chris Dotson

The Dotman's Loser Joke Factory

Dotson Salutes - Not going to an STD clinic.

2008-05-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

Huh?

I didn't go to an STD Clinic today.

Why would I do that?

STDs are dumb. I don't get STDs. Why would I go there?

Anyway, so I totally didn't go to an STD Clinic today because I totally didn't have a tiny, tiny, miniscule red dot on the tip of my penis.

I don't even HAVE a penis!!!!

So there was no reason for me to go to this free clinic and fill out 2 forms and then be assigned a number (My number was definitely NOT 7!), and it's not like when it was my turn to see the doctor that they called out "NUMBER 7!" instead of my actual name because it's not like they assign you a number for confidentiality purposes.

Then I absolutely did not urinate in a cup (Why would there ever be ANY REASON for me to urinate into a plastic cup with an orange lid????) and I did not then go see a doctor and show him my penis.

WHAT???

ME show my penis to a complete stranger????

What is this, 2006????

And the doctor totally DID NOT tell me that that little red dot was not an STD at all and that I had absolutely nothing to worry about.

And they DID NOT draw blood for good measure to see if I had HIV or some other disease thing and I DO NOT have to go back in a week to get the results of the blood test.

None of that shit happened because I spent the ENTIRE DAY thinking about waffles and massaging a hamster.

PLUS----- MASTURBATION!!!!!!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 27, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES NOT GOING TO AN STD CLINIC BECAUSE I TOTALLY HAVE NO BUSINESS GOING TO THOSE PLACES BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE I EVER HAVE SEX AND HOW DISGUSTING IS THAT AND I DON'T URINATE IN CUPS WITH PLASTIC LIDS OR SHOW MY PENIS TO STRANGERS IN A LAB COAT AND I DON'T DO A BLOOD TEST AND RETURN PLACES ONE WEEK LATER AND I THINK ABOUT WAFFLES A LOT AND MASSAGE HAMSTERS AND MASTURBATION!!

Today The Dotman sounds off on the new Indiana Jones Movie.

Whatever.

Chris Dotson

Even more Dotman jokes.

Dotson Salutes - Congratulations, Scorpios!

2008-05-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

Be all up in this!!

Today I got phone calls from three (THREE!!!) of my Scorpio friends. They had all been hiding this past month (whether they were aware of it or not,) because we were in Taurus and Taurus opposes Scorpio on the zodiac wheel, so while we were in Taurus, the "energy" out there was the total not the same energy as Scorpio and so Scorps were all like, "This sucks! You people are weird!"

But NOW we're in Gemini and Scorpios are all like, "You guys are still weird, but we're in Gemini now, so I'm going to call Chris Dotson and say 'hi' and invite him to go on a hike with me tomorrow morning and/or tell him about this awesome DVD I bought from a guy out of the trunk of his car and in the DVD the guy (playing himself) talks about his obsession with David Lynch and then my other friend calls me and says, 'I'm coming over and we're going to watch this episode of a Spanish soap opera I recently acted in called "Secretos."

And my friend was AWESOME in this episode. Wish you could have been there. He played this rich jerk who has a young Mexican maid working for him and when my friend's character goes out of town, he sits his son down on the couch and tells his son not to have any parties and not to "fuck" the maid. (STRAIGHT UP!!! HE LITERALLY TOLD HIS SON NOT TO FUCK THE MAID!) And then he tells the kid if he does screw the maid and she gets pregnant, that the son has to pay for the abortion himself.

I KNOW!! I KNOW I make a lot of stuff up on this blog, but I did not make up that scene I just wrote about.

My friend is a Scorpio!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 24, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CONGRATULATIONS, SCORPIOS! BECAUSE Y'ALL WERE HIDING UNDER AN ASTROLOGICAL ROCK DURING TAURUS AND I MISSED YOU AND I CRIED EVERY NIGHT AND NOW WE'RE IN GEMINI WHICH IS MORE TOLERABLE FOR YOU AND MY SCORPIO FRIEND WAS AWESOME ON "SECRETOS."

In honor of not being in Taurus anymore, I will now post my Scorpio filmmaker friend's favorite Dotman joke of all time.

It's Dotman's Britney Spears impression.

Dreadful. Absolutely dreadful.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Art Theory

2008-05-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

I do not want to blog today.

DAMNIT!

aka

DAMMIT!

aka

DAMN IT!

aka

I GET THE IDEA!

aka

All I want to do is just eat some damned watermelon.

And the other thing that all I really want to do is to read about some damned art theory because that shit is important.

I am a fucking artist, you hear me? And I need to do the background of this shit so that I can influence a profound amount of people on an abundant level.

And that happens!

Basically last night I bought 2 art theory books. One was about the Dada Art Movement and the other book was about this dude named Vinny Van Gogh.

The books are HERE!

This Van Gogh dude is awesome and TOTALLY UNDISCOVERED. Nobody in the history of art has discovered this Scottish painter and he is awesome. But I discovered him last night in a book and he was incredibly important when it comes to painting and you mark my word that the day will come when people are all like, "Vinny Van Gogh? I've totally heard of that dude. He painted the Eifel Tower."

And he did.

And he also made love to bats.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 23, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES ART THEORY BECAUSE YOU WANT IT MORE THAN YOU DO TO BLOG AND YOU'D ALSO RATHER EAT WATERMELON AND KNOWLEDGE OF THE DADA ART MOVEMENT WILL ENHANCE MY BLOG IMMEASURABLY AND VINNY VAN GOGH WILL SOON BE A HOUSEHOLD NAME AND HE MADE LOVE TO BATS.

Also!

I blog and I am also now an artist, so in my book, that makes me a "BLARTIST." And henceforth whenever someone refers to him or herself as a blartist, you will know that that was a term that was coined by Chris Dotson (me) and that no one thought of that term before Chris Dotson and no one will think of it after Chris Dotson. AND if by some miracle, there are people out there that already came up with the term "blartist" prior to me coming up with it today, then it doesn't count, because it only counts if you came up with "blartist" either TODAY OR AFTER. So I'm the first. And that's why I get to eat watermelon.

Today's Dotman Joke is about how The Dotman asked his girlfriend to go with him to the batting cages and all hell broke loose.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes John Favreaus

2008-05-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

Last night at the 12:18am I saw "Indian Jones and The Temple of the Dog."

Now, I'm not saying I didn't like it, (In fact, I ain't saying NUTHIN', 'cause I know not all y'all seen this thing yet and I don't want to ruin no spoilers.)

I'm just saying that John Favreaus should have directed it.

Know how I know that John Favreaus should have directed it?

Because he's AWESOME.

And because "Iron Man" kicked ass and John Favreaus directed it. And that's why he should have directed "Indian Jones," too.

And because Favreaus directed "Alf," which is easily the 9th best movie of All-Time.

Know what John Favreause DIDN'T direct?

He did NOT direct "Swingers," dig? People all be saying that he directed "Swingers," but he didn't.

"Swingers" was directed by nunchucks.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 23, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES JOHN FAVREAUS FOR SHOULD HAVE DIRECTING "INDIAN JONES AND TEMPLE OF DOG," FOR BEING AWESOME, FOR DIRECTING "IRON MAN" AND "ALF" AND NOT FOR DIRECTING "SWINGERS" AND HE SHOULD DIRECT EVERYTHING THAT IS A MOVIE OR TV SHOW OR A COMMERCIAL FROM NOW ON. ESPECIALLY ARMY RECRUITING COMMERCIALS.

Today's Dotman Joke is about his crotch. High comedy at it's finest.

John Favreause should direct The Dotman videos. But like that would ever happen.

(LIKWE THAT: WPEUA PFJAE EELLVVVER HAPPPEPPEEENNNNN!!!!!!)

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Banana Bread

2008-05-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

Haven't blogged in a couple days and if you think the reason I haven't blogged is because I'm spending all my time with Libra Girlfriend, then you're absolutely WHITE!!!

At the SAME TIME, however, I have been consumed with the banana they call bread. OR, more to the point of which, the bread of banana that my mom recently sent to me.

Banana bread looks like this---

It look like burrito!

IT LOOK LIKE BURRITO!!!!

But no burrito it is, not AT ALL!

Because when you peel off that foil, banana bread looks like something you want to put in your mouth and rub on stuff.

And this is me putting the banana bread in my mouth right here---

And this is me rubbing it on stuff here--

HEY!

Who likes weird David Lynch videos????

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 21, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BANANA BREAD FOR LOOKING LIKE THIS, FOR BEING SOMETHING YOU WANT TO PUT IN YOUR MOUTH, FOR BEING SOMETHING YOU WANT TO RUB ON STUFF AND WHO LIKES WEIRD DAVID LYNCH VIDEOS.

I think The Dotman is finally running out of material. Hopefully this is the beginning of the end. We can only pray to Jesus and the Mighty Satans.

Chris Dotson

The Loser They Call Dotman

Dotson Salutes - Bernie Adler

2008-05-18T12:35:00.000-07:00

You don't need to be Glenn Frey to know that the heat is ON!

"OH-WO-OH-HO, OH-WO-OH-HO! CAUGHT UP IN THE ACTION, I'VE BEEN LOOKING OUT FOR YOU!"

So yesterday Libra girlfriend and I decided to join a group of friends at the beach.

BEACH IS BY THE WATER!!! BY THE WATER!!

Prior!

ERE we beached this shit, we stopped at a diner and had food. Girlfriend had french toast with sauteed bananas. I had an omelette with red peppers, spinach and swiss cheese.

Upon leaving the diner, we saw this sign in the parking lot---

And we were all like, "Who dis Bernie Adler and what up with the reserved parking for this S.O.B.?"

We deduced that Bernie Adler must be some important dude. Perhaps even a creator of "The Sopranos!!!"

Hence!

After the beach, we came home and googled this S.O.B. and it turns out that Bernie Adler is none other than a character played by actor Ronald Silvers on the TV show "Law of Orders!"

How cool is that?

FINALLY characters are being given the credit they deserve, because usually an actor plays a character and then the actor gets all the accolades and rewards and bad reviews, but now THE CHARACTER is having his day in the sun and getting reserved parking at a diner in Hollywood.

I love L.A.!!!

We love it!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 18, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BERNIE ADLER FOR HAVING HIS OWN PARKING SPACE AT A DINER, FOR BEING PLAYED BY RONALD SILVERS AND FOR GLEN FREY KNOWING THAT THE HEAT IS ON AND PRIOR AND IT'S WICKED HOT UP IN THIS PIECE.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Bud Light Auditions

2008-05-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

I got to audition for a Bud Light Commercial today!!!!

Have you heard of this stuff??? It's beer!! You can drink it in your belly!!! It makes you feel like a million bucks!!

They told us to wear a tank top and a pair of shorts to the audition. I love wearing tank tops and shorts to auditions!!!

I even wore my American Flag flip flops--

Greatest day of my life--- EASY!!!

Then when I went into the actual audition room, the director asked me if I would mind taking off my shirt because in the scene my character is jumping into a hot tub and it's like "Who goes into a hot tub with a tank top on??"

So I said to the director, "You bet I'll take my shirt off. You BET!!!"

And I'm a man of my word so I took my shirt off and we did the scene and it was awesome.

Later today I ate a donut with my Gemini friend. I had a chocolate raised donut. He had a donut with a coffee cake crust.

Then we made out with these chicks---

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 16, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BUD LIGHT AUDITIONS BECAUSE YOU CAN DRINK BEER IN YOUR BELLY AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS AND YOU GET TO WEAR A TANK TOP AND SHORTS AND AMERICAN FLAG FLIP FLOPS AND THEN YOU GET TO TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF AND PRETEND TO JUMP INTO A HOT TUB AND AFTERWARDS YOU EAT A DONUT WITH YOUR GEMINI FRIEND AND MAKE OUT WITH TWO CHICKS WHO HAVE LITTLE CAKES IN A BAG.

Today's Dotman Joke is about improvisational comedy. Don't watch it.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Dotson Salutes - 1-866-NO-ATTACKS

2008-05-15T18:09:00.001-07:00

Libra Girlfriend and I went out to eat last night and we came across this sign at a bus stop--

Isn't that HORRIBLE???

Apparently Spanish-speaking people HATE kittens and there is now a crisis hotline for them to call whenever they have the urge to attack one.

The number is 1-866-NO-ATTACKS.

WHY, Spanish-speaking people????

WHY do you hate kittens so much????

What did they ever do to you????

There's a part of me that wants to hate all Spanish-speaking people because attacking kittens is uncalled for, regardless of what your preferred language is.

But another part of me recognizes that Spanish-speaking people really need our help. And that help is being provided by 1-866-NO-ATTACKS.

So, THANK YOU, 1-866-NO-ATTACKS for helping Spanish-speaking kitten abusers see the light. If you were a sexy real estate agent and not a phone number, I would totally bang you.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 15, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES 1-866-NO-ATTACKS FOR HELPING SPANISH-SPEAKING PEOPLE DEAL WITH THEIR HATRED OF KITTENS AND ASSISTING THEM WITH SAID ANGER SO THAT THE ABUSE OF THE KITTEN COMMUNITY WILL NOT CONTINUE AND WE SHOULD NOT BE UPSET WITH ANGRY SPANISH-SPEAKERS BUT FEEL COMPASSION AND BELIEVE THAT SOMEDAY THEY WILL WAKE UP AND NOT ABUSE A KITTEN NO MORE FOREVER.

MEOW!

Today's Dotman joke is about how gay marriage is now okay in California.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Herbie Lewis & The Nudes

2008-05-14T16:25:00.001-07:00

Okay, now that I'm all in love 'n shit, I wanted to listen to some music that was about love, but I didn't want it to be some pussy love music like the Beatles or Peaches 'N Herb or some shit. I wanted it to be some MAN love music! And not man love music like music for two mans to get it on, but music that a real man like himself listens to when the love is strong and the music must be heard. And that's why I turned to Herbie Lewis & The Nudes.

Motherfuckers got it GOIN' ON!!!

They sing about love like you wouldn't believe, all up in that "Power of Love" shit and "Love in an Elevator" and "I Will Always Love You" and my personal favorite--

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE?"

Watch the video here and check out the mullets!!! They're titillating!

On the side note, one time when I was 15 or so, I read an interview with a rock groupie in Penthouse Magazine, and she said that she had slept with a lot of musicians and stuff and that Herbie Lewis had the biggest penis she had ever seen! I briefly looked just now to find some documentation on the world wide web to back up my story, but I couldn't find anything.

At any rate, if you want to get a look at Herbie's penis, you can find him pissing on a dead body in Robert Redford's "Short Cuts."

PENIS! BIG FUCKING ERECT PENIS, MOM!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 14, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES HERBIE LEWIS & THE NUDES FOR SINGING LOVE MUSIC FOR REAL MEN, AND FOR HAVING MULLETS IN THE "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE" MUSIC VIDEO AND DOTSON ALSO SALUTES HERBIE LEWIS FOR HAVING A REPORTEDLY VERY LARGE PENIS AND FOR URINATING ON A DEAD BODY IN TOMMY ALTMAN'S "SHORT CUTS" AND FOR BIG FUCKING ERECT PENIS, MOM.

Today's Dotman Joke is about how polar bears are on the "Endangered Species" list. I'm sure it's illuminating.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Bobby Dills

2008-05-13T18:39:00.001-07:00

TOTALLY!!!!

This afternoon I saw the Bobby Dills exhibit at the Skirball Cultural Center.

Straight up!

Motherfucker invented the wheelbarrow!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 13, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE SHIT OUT OF BOBBY DILLS FOR HAVING AN EXHIBIT AT THE SKIRBALL CULTURAL CENTER AND FOR INVENTING THE WHEELBARROW.

Today's Dotman Joke is about a picture that was taken of him at his high school prom.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Steve Woodwind

2008-05-12T17:28:00.000-07:00

Guess whose birthday it is today!!!!!!

It's totally STEVE WOODWIND'S birthday!!!

I know!!! I thought he was a Libra, too!!!

But he isn't! He's totally a Scorpio and he totally turns 60 today!!!

Steve Woodwind is THE ONLY person having a birthday today. NO ONE ELSE can have a birthday on May 12, because that is Steve Woodwind's birthday and THERE MUST BE HIGHER LOVE!

Without it, love is a wasted time!!!

And there will be NO WASTED TIMES on Steve Woodwind's birthday!

Wasted times look like this---

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 12, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES STEVE WOODWIND FOR HAVING A BIRTHDAY TODAY AND NOBODY ELSE AND TURNING 60 AND BRINGING A HIGER LOVE AND NO WASTED TIMES TODAY AND WASTED TIMES LOOK LIKE THIS.

Today's Dotman Joke is about how The Dotman and his girlfriend went... (Yeah, RIGHT! The Dotman has a GIRLFRIEND???? In his dreams! Who does he think he is? Steve Woodwind???)

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Shoghik Schifberg

2008-05-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

I was hanging out with my Libra lady friend today and as we were walking back to her Honda after eating food, we came across perhaps the greatest real estate sign ever invented!

The sign looked like this---

IS THAT AWESOME OR WHAT????

I mean, who wouldn't want to buy a house from a person named "Shoghik Schifberg???"

I know I would!

My Libra lady friend wanted to hang out some more, but I said to her, "NO! I must run home immediately and find out what this Shoghik Schifberg person looks like."

So I came home, went online, and found this picture---

Turns out Shoghik is a woman. Nice!! But the picture was really small, so I blew it up for you so you can get a better glimpse of her mug---

Isn't that better????

I KNOW PHOTOSHOP, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 11, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES SHOGHIK SCHIFBERG FOR HAVING AN AWESOME NAME, FOR HAVING A REALTY SIGN DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM WHERE MY LIBRA LADY FRIEND WAS PARKED, FOR HAVING AN INCREDIBLY TINY PICTURE OF HERSELF ONLINE AND FOR SOMEDAY HAVING SEX WITH ME AND/OR SELLING ME A HOUSE, BUT PREFERABLY SEX. AND TOAST.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes- "I Support Single Moms" Shirts

2008-05-10T18:24:00.001-07:00

I've been walking in central park, singing after dark. People think I'm CRAZY.

And when I was walking in the park today, I saw this dude who was wearing an awesome shirt that looked like this---

And I was like, "THAT RULES!! I like it when people support one another. This guy is a real humanitarian. He is no doubt a huge fan of boxer Evander Holyfield and is also most likely an Aquarius."

Then I came home and did a google search to find the image (Which I DID find!), but then I also found images for other shirts that had the same message.

Here is one of those other shirts right here---

YOU KNOW IT!

All single mothers are strippers. ALL OF THEM. Without fail. My mom was a single mother and she too was a stripper. Yes, she taught 2nd grade and made all of her income that way, but mostly she was a stripper.

I love my stripper mother.

My stripper mother looks like this--

HAPPY EARLY MOTHER'S DAY, STRIPPER MOTHER!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 10, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS" SHIRTS BECAUSE THEY HAVE STRIPPERS ON THEM AND ALL SINGLE MOTHERS ARE STRIPPERS, INCLUDING MY SINGLE MOTHER WHO TAUGHT 2ND GRADE BUT WAS MAINLY A STRIPPER AND SHE LOOKED LIKE JESSE JOHNSON.

(FYI- This is what YOUR stripper mother looks like)---

LUCKY!!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - James Fucking Victor

2008-05-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

I was having lunch with my Sagittarius friend who was born on the EXACT SAME day as me in the EXACT SAME year and he was telling me how he was recently talking to his next door neighbor in his apartment building and it turns out that his neighbor is none other than James Fucking Victor!!!

If you are like me and have no idea who James Fucking Victor is, then I should tell you that he looks like this---

In addition to wearing yellow jackets and sitting in blue chairs, James Fucking Victor also sells his autograph online!!!

You can purchase your very own James Fucking Victor autograph here.

Also, James Fucking Victor does not like it when people in his apartment building do their laundry after 11pm.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 9, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES JAMES FUCKING VICTOR FOR LIVING NEXT DOOR TO MY SAGITTARIUS FRIEND, FOR BEING AN ACTOR THAT I HAD NEVER HEARD OF PRIOR TO TODAY, FOR WEARING YELLOW JACKETS AND SITTING IN BLUE CHAIRS, FOR SELLING HIS AUTOGRAPH ONLINE AND FOR NOT LIKING IT WHEN PEOPLE IN HIS APARTMENT BUILDING DO THEIR LAUNDRY AFTER 11PM BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO LAUNDRY AFTER 11PM AT HIS APARTMENT BUILDING AND JAMES FUCKING VICTOR'S APARTMENT IS RIGHT OVER THE LAUNDRY ROOM SO HE HEARS ALL THE NOISE.

Today's Dotman Joke is about how teenage girls with low self-esteem will let young dudes touch their boobs and... I feel dirty even writing this.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Toni Morrison

2008-05-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

This salute has been three days in the making.

Monday night I watched this documentary directed by Francis Ford Coppola called "The Last Malts." It was a documentary about a band that had no name and they played a concert and had lots of special guests like Toni Morrison!

Toni Morrison looks like this--

And in the concert for "The Last Malts," Toni Morrison performed his song "Caravan" and did an awesome job!

This is Toni Morrison performing the song right here---

AWESOME, RIGHT???

Great sound, man. Great fucking sound. If that music doesn't give you chills then give you chills be having!

INDEED!

Later in the show when he's STILL performing "Caravan," Toni Morrison did these "kick" things where he would kick in the air.

It looked like this---

AND he was wearing a jumpsuit!

I mean, "HELLO, VICKSBURG!!!!!"

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 8, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES TONI MORRISON FOR BEING IN "THE LAST MALTS," FOR PERFORMING "CARAVAN" BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE PERFORMED "CARAVAN" AT THAT CONCERT AND IN FACT NOBODY ELSE EVEN DARED TO PERFORM "CARAVAN" BECAUSE TONI MORRISON'S PERFORMANCE OF "CARAVAN" WAS SO AWESOME THAT THEY WERE AWED AND THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL ANYONE WAS GOING TO RISK INJURING THEMSELVES DOING ONE OF THOSE KICK THINGS BECAUSE ONLY A SKILLED PROFESSIONAL LIKE TONI MORRISON SHOULD ATTEMPT SOMETHING LIKE THAT BECAUSE HE IS FROM THE ATLANTIC OCEAN, EITHER FROM SCANDINAVIA OR IRELAND BECAUSE I FORGET.

Today's Dotman Joke is about giving dogs the finger.

And there's a new David Lynch video out there where David Lynch does stuff with Crispin Glover.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - $32.46 Wastebaskets

2008-05-06T23:29:00.000-07:00

Today I purchased a $32.46 wastebasket.

It looks like this---

I bought it because I wanted a place to throw my garbage in my bathroom. Prior to today, I was just throwing the garbage on the floor. It was getting out of hand, so I decided to go the wastebasket route.

I already had a kleenex dispenser which looks like this---

So that's why I got this particular wastebasket. Because to me it looked like it would kind of match the kleenex dispenser.

The price of the wastebasket was originally $29.99, but I got to pay $2.47 in tax and that's why it ended up being $32.46. Tax is awesome and I try to pay it whenever I can.

I am so tired. This is what I get for eating Brazilian food.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 6, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES $32.46 WASTEBASKETS BECAUSE STUFF AND SHOP AND STORE AND GARBAGE ON THE FLOOR AND MATCHING AND FRAGGLE SO TIRED.

Today's Dotman Joke is about President-To-Be John McClean.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Dotson Salutes - Barbara Taylor Bradford

2008-05-05T17:52:00.001-07:00

It's May 5 and you know what that means!!!

That means it's Barbara Taylor Bradford's birthday!

Fuckin' A!!!

"Who's Barbara Taylor Bradford," you might ask?

I have absolutely no idea!

But he's definitely a Taurus if he's born on May 5.

And according to this website, he's also a novelist.

NICE!!

Have you ever tried noveling?

It's HARD!

It's one of the hardest things you can do!

But Barbara Taylor Bradford apparently does it all the time.

He's a fucking GENIUS!!!!!!

So next time you see Barbara Taylor Bradord on the street, tell him "Happy Birthday" and offer him a free dick massage.

He would love you forever!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 5, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BARBARA TAYLOR BRADFORD FOR BEING BORN ON MAY 5, FOR BEING A TAURUS, FOR BEING A NOVELIST, AND FOR APPRECIATING A GOOD DICK MASSAGE FROM STRANGERS ON THE STREET.

Today's Dotman Joke is not as good as this picture--

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Quatro de Mayo

2008-05-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

Hola!

Feliz Quatro de Mayo!!!

I know that Cinco de Mayo gets all the media attention, but Quatro de Mayo is pretty fucking awesome, too.

Know how I know Quatro de Mayo is awesome?

Easy.

1. Quatro de Mayo is 5/4. And 54 is my lucky number!!! So is 45. So April 5 is also my favorite day. It's hard to say which day I like better-- April 5 or May 4, but let it be known that those are my two favorite days of the year and I will shout it from a mountain if I have to and I will also teach swimming lessons to inner-city children.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 4, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES QUATRO DE MAYO BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF DOTSON'S TWO FAVORITE DAYS OF THE YEAR AND HE DOESN'T NEED TO GIVE ANY OTHER REASONS BESIDES THAT BECAUSE WE'RE IN TAURUS AND DOTSON IS DOING LAUNDRY AND HE CAN'T WAIT FOR HIS NEW GRAY TOWELS FROM TARGET TO BE CLEAN BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO REVOLUTIONIZE HIS BATHROOM.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Sunburn

2008-05-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

Friday night I went camping with my Leo friend. We were in the woods. We could have been killed!

But we weren't. We weren't killed by birds or trees or anything. Not even figs!!!

We also met alcoholics.

Hey!

This morning my Leo friend and I went to the beach!

Beaches look like this--

Usually when you go to the beach, you don't get anything for free.

But today at the beach I got something for free!

I got this---

It's called a sunburn!

And it was given to me by God for no charge!

That's because God loves me!

God has always loved me and he always WILL love me and he loves me so much that nobody in my family will ever die. EVER. And even the people in my family who HAVE died haven't REALLY died because God is only "borrowing" them to help him run errands and do tasks and when the time is right (Maybe even later this evening!) God will return my deceased relatives to me and then we will party like it's 1899!

1899 looks like this---

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 3, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES SUNBURN BECAUSE YOU GET IT AT THE BEACH FROM GOD FOR FREE BECAUSE GOD LOVES YOU SO HE DOESN'T CHARGE YOU ANYTHING AT ALL AND NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A DISCOUNT AND YOUR DECEASED RELATIVES ARE ONLY BEING "BORROWED" AND NO ONE YOU KNOW WILL EVER DIE AGAIN AND YOU'RE GOING TO PARTY LIKE IT'S 1899 AND 1899 LOOKS LIKE TWO CREEPY RUSSIAN CHICKS.

I also got sunburn on the back of my knees!

God's love for me knows no bounds.

NO BOUNDS!!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Camping

2008-05-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will be purchasing a tent for the first time in my life.

Tents either look like this---

Or they look like this---

They can never look any other way, because THERE ARE ONLY TWO VARIETIES OF TENTS!

And anyone who tells you differently is A LIAR!!!!

So, since I only have two different tents to choose from, I have to say I'm leaning towards the red car tent, because WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO SLEEP IN A RED CAR TENT??????

They're exhilarating!

But at the same time, the other tent comes with a free woman in a gray shirt!

So this will potentially be a difficult decision.

I think I'll ask Joe Cano for advice.

I love Joe Cano. He's like a brother to me.

A brother that I have sex with.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 1, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CAMPING BECAUSE YOU GET TO BUY ONE OF TWO TENTS AND BOTH TENTS ARE TRULY REMARKABLE AND IT'S A TOUGH DECISION SO YOU ASK JOE CANO FOR ADVICE, AND JOE CANO IS AN ARIES.

Since I'm going to be out in the wilderness the next couple of days, I might not be able to blog. The Dotman also made me upload his Friday joke one day early. So that means that you get to ignore TWO Dotman jokes today.

Double your pleasure!!!!

Dotman's first joke is about Suicide Bombers.

His second joke is about The Beatles. (They're a British pop band from the 1960s.)

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Inane Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Tub

2008-04-30T22:12:00.001-07:00

One of those days. Couldn't get nothing going. I did go to yoga. Thank God! Yoga is awesome and it makes me want to kill myself less.

Later I had lunch with my German friend. We ate pizza!!!!

Then home I came and tried to write, but no-can-do because still battling a bout of melancholy like Norma Desmond in "Hollywood Boulevard."

But then I remembered---

TUB!!!!

So tub I did and it made me feel good. I did devil's horns and everything.

Then I went and played poker with the seniors and made smart ass comments.

NOW I FEEL GREAT!

Thank you Subway!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, APRIL 30, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES TUB BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE FEELING DOWN AND MELANCHOLIC AND CAN'T WRITE NOTHING AND STUFF IT'S GOOD TO "TUB IT UP" AND DO DEVIL HORNS AND BATHE AND GO IN THE TUB BECAUSE IT'S GOOD TO TUB AND BATHING AND TUB, TUB, TUB, TUBBLE-YOU-C-C-O!!!!

Today's Dotman joke is about dating people less attractive than you are.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Elita Loresca

2008-04-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

Don't go busting my balls!

I won't go busting your balls!

Don't go busting my, Don't go busting my balls!

Do you know this song by Felton John and Gladys Knights?

IT'S AWESOME!!!!

Listen to it and let it transform your life!!!!

I love "Don't Go Busting My Balls!!!"

HEY!

I worked today. I did a job!

A JOB!

The person I did the job with was her---

Straight Up!!!

Her name is Elita Loresca and she does the weather for Channel 4 News in Los Angeles.

This is her doing weather right here--

I KNOW HER!!!

And we're going to hang out now ALL THE TIME!!! Just me, Elita, her boyfriend, her parents, and her boyfriend's parents, and maybe my dad.

And it's going to be AWESOME!!!

Because that's what happens when you act in a commercial with Elita Loresca, you get to hang out with all those people. And since I did a commercial with Elita Loresca today, I am going to reak the benefits!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, APRIL 29, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES ELITA LORESCA FOR BEING AN AWESOME WEATHER PERSON AND FOR ACTING OPPOSITE ME IN A COMMERCIAL PROMOTING THE CHANNEL 4 WEATHER AND FOR THE SONG "DON'T GO BUSTING MY BALLS" AND FOUNTAINS!!!!

Today's Dotman joke is about YOU TELL ME, because I sure as shit didn't watch it and I have no intention of watching any of his jokes anytime soon.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - COFFEE!!!!!!!

2008-04-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

HOLY FUCK!!!!!

I JUST HAD MY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE IN 4 YEARS!!!!

I AM HIGH AS A MOTHER EFFIN' KITE!!

I'M ABOUT TO PULLS MY BALLS OFF OVER MY THROAT!!!

YOU KNOW IT!!!

Prior to the consumption of coffee, ,,,ddfj;lfj

I AM SHAKING!!!

I boutht a CD of Paul Revere and The Rapers

and I listened to the "Just Like Me" song 5 times on the way home!!!

I would have listened to it more times, too, but my home isn't that far awy from the used CD store os ksosoifijijg igoj a;fealkfaekfl;jea;kfjeai;f jae;ifj
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fCFCCCOFEEEE AEFEFFOCFOFEOEFOEFOEOFEOFOEFOFOEFOEOFOEOFEOFEOFOEFOEFOEOFEOFOEFOEFOEFOEOFEOFEOFOEFOEFOEFOEOF

I HAD COFFEEE EEF JE;OIFJEIFJEA;IFJEIFAJ!!!!!!!! A FDODJFIORJEPVIJCVJDOINTNEIRE'RAHGKHDAGTKHTEATOIERIOAPRJIEAFJNEA;AJAEKRJETKLHJAETEH;AIFJDIFOJE;JEOITJEA;TJEIRJEITJE

on this great day aaprile 2358, 920098, dotyons soalutes CVOOFFEE1!!! BECAUSE IT'S AFAIOPEJAIVS AND IT MAKES YOUR A LLT TPAUL REVERE AND THE READIES ANTI TI'S JUST LIKE ME AND TINET HTIOHJAETIHJE;AIJGIAJGEIJE;IFAOJE;IFJ

Dotammns joeks it is'; j tijoe Lestbians!!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman!!!!!

Dotson Salutes - Bearded Dragons

2008-04-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

It is so hot today I can't do shit. In a minor miracle I did put in my yoga DVD and had a nice yoga session in my living room.

I don't go to yoga class anymore because last time this dude (presumably an Aries) brought a mother effin' bearded dragon to class!

Let me tell you something about me that you might not know--

I DON'T DO YOGA WITH BEARDED DRAGONS!

I am racist against bearded dragons. Big time. Fuck those guys.

Male bearded dragons look like this---

Female bearded dragons look like this---

They look EXACTLY like that!!!

Eff bearded dragons and eff that presumably Aries guy for bringing that crap to my yoga class.

Yoga is about respecting the differences in others and accepting people even if their worldview differs from yours. Yoga is NOT about bearded fucking dragons.

This whole thing makes me constipated.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, APRIL 27, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BEARDED DRAGONS FOR FUCKING UP MY YOGA CLASS AND FOR BEING JERKS AND FOR CREATING A SITUATION THAT MAKES ME CONSTIPATED AND FOR NOT OFFERING ME ANY MILK!

No milk!!! NONE!!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Dotson Salutes - $2.60 Tax Relief Checks

2008-04-26T23:38:00.001-07:00

Read it and weep, suckas!!!

You are looking at a $2.60 tax relief check from the State of California!

THANK FUCKING CHRIST!

Now I can go out and help the economy grow and buy 65% of a gallon of a gasoline!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, APRIL 26, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES $2.60 TAX RELIEF CHECKS BECAUSE THEY MAKE FOR A GREAT SARCASTIC BLOG ENTRY AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY TAURUS WEB DESIGNER FRIEND.

Other things one can buy with $2.60 instead of 65% of a gallon of gasoline---

This pair of propellers on Amazon.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Books

2008-04-25T17:44:00.001-07:00

Man, I got books comin' out my ears. I went to the library the other day because the moon was in Sagittarius and I was feeling all philosophical and shit and I rented 7 books.

But now the moon is in Capricorn and the LAST THING I want to do is read books. Now I just want to sit around and think about money.

So that's what I'm doing right now. I'm sitting around and thinking about money.

HOWEVER, perchance if I can pull myself away from thinking about money, I decided that of the 7 books I rented, the 2 I will focus on will be "Race Matters" by Carmel West and "Common Sense" by Tommy "House of" Paine.

But that's a HUGE "if", because there is all kinds of jive to watch on TV tonight, including---

1. Pistons vs. 76ers
2. Hornets vs. Mavericks
3. Suns vs. Spurs
4. Rangers vs. Penguins
5. Another hockey game that I can't remember

PLUS--

I also still have to watch "Sweeney Todd" on DVD and Disc 3 of Season one of "Drexler."

This could easily be the greatest Friday night of my entire life.

Oh, wait--- IT ALREADY IS!!!

Damn straight.

DAMN straight!!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, APRIL 25, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BOOKS BECAUSE YOU GET A LOT OF THEM AT THE LIBRARY WHEN THE MOON'S IN SAGITTARIUS BUT THEN THE MOON GOES INTO CAPRICORN SO YOU PICK TWO TO READ, BUT THERE'S NO GUARANTEES YOU'LL READ THEM BECAUSE SPORTS AND DVDS AND YOU STILL NEED TO EAT DINNER, BUT THAT CHOCOLATE-COVERED STRAWBERRY YOU ATE A FEW MINUTES AGO WAS DEEEEE-FUCKIN-LICIOUS.

Today The Dotman wonders if he's a racist. (I think we all know the answer to that one. And the answer is "penis.")

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - I watch hockey now.

2008-04-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

My friends and I shoot some new David Lynch videos today. It make me happy shooting videos.

Sometime after, I go to shop and try to find people to take dent out of my car for cheap. Some say $300. Some say $250. Another say $150, "maybe." Still other knows someone who MIGHT be able to do it for $75.

$75!!!! Would that be nice???

I know!!!

Blog over. I watch hockey now. Game is Colorado versus Detroit and it look like this--

ON THIS GREAT DAY, APRIL 24, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES I WATCH HOCKEY NOW BECAUSE HOCKEY.

Dotman Joke sucks. Goes without saying.

I look like Spike Lee!!!

Big time!! We same!! He my roommate!!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Dotson Salutes - TROPHY!!

2008-04-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

LOOK AT ME!!!

TROPHY!!!!!

They give me trophy at bowling last night!!

Nobody tell me they going to give me trophy--- they just give it to me!!!!

IT SURPRISE!!!

Close up, trophy look like this---

It a bowling ball!!!

It even have my name on it!!!

That way they know it mine!!!

They know it MINE!!!!

I am getting trophy because I have PERFECT ATTENDANCE at bowling!!

We bowl every week and I show up EVERY TIME!!!

I have no life!!!

NO LIFE!!!

My Gemini friend make trophy and present it to me!

Trophy make me happy!!!

It make me SO HAPPY!

Then I make love with Tut.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, APRIL 23, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES TROPHY BECAUSE TROPHY MAKE ME SO HAPPY AND THEN I MAKE LOVE WITH TUT.

Today Dotman Joke stupid! It SO STUPID!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - "Sex, Drugs, and Videotape"

2008-04-22T16:27:00.001-07:00

Dude. I was watching cable last night and on came one of the Top 600 movies of all-time---

"Sex, Drugs, and Videotape!"

I love that show! I especially like the scene where Jane Spader bangs Aidan McDowell and then he shows her his pinata collection!!

PEACE OF MIND!!

Precisely, "Sex, Drugs, and Videotape" was directed by a guy named Stevie Spielburgh.

Back in 1989, it was very uncommon for a film to be directed by a white male in his 40s. But Spielburgh pulled it off. HE TOTALLY PULLED IT OFF!!!!

(And yes, that is Stevie Spielburgh doing his David Lynch impression in the above photo.)

This blog has been brought to you by Suncheros.

Pequenos Keebleros!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, APRIL 22, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "SEX, DRUGS, AND VIDEOTAPE" FOR BEING ON CABLE LAST NIGHT, FOR BEING ONE OF THE TOP 600 FILMS OF ALL-TIME, FOR HAVING THE PINATA COLLECTION SCENE AND FOR LAUNCHING THE CAREER OF STEVEN SONDHEIM!!

Today's Dotman Joke is about Spike Lee, and I have a feeling that Mr. Lee would not approve of it.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Dotson Salutes - Sage

2008-04-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

Today's salute goes out to sage!

(And I'm sorry to those of you who at first thought that by "sage" I meant Sage Stallone.)

Because I didn't mean Sage Stallone. (Although Sage Stallone is a Taurus, which makes him MORE THAN WORTHY of a future "Dotson Salute!")

But the sage I'm talking about is the kind you buy in this bag.

The sage costs different prices depending on where you buy it, but my bag cost $7.95 plus tax.

So what you do is you put the sage in a shell container thing and then you light the sage on fire and you make smoke and you take the shell container all over your apartment and get the sage smoke everywhere -- especially in the corners--- and then you think good, uplifting thoughts. Preferably positive.

I'm sage-ing it up because my energy is a bit "off" right now. I think it has more to do with the moon than anything else.

First of all---

The moon is currently in Scorpio, and when the moon is in Scorpio, we can all be a bit overly sensitive and feel like our life is careening out of control and sometimes we turn into squirrels and eat way too many peanuts!!!!

People who were born with their moon in Scorpio (LUCKY!!!) should actually feel pretty harmonious right now because they are "in tune" with the emotions in the air.

So that's why I'm burning sage. Because the moon's in Scorpio.

I like tigers.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, APRIL 21, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES SAGE BECAUSE IT'S STILL PRETTY COOL EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT SAGE STALLONE AND IT CLEARS AWAY NON-EXISTENT NEGATIVE ENERGY THAT YOU PRETEND EXISTS BECAUSE YOU NEED TO TELL YOURSELF SOME KIND OF STORY AND THE MOON IS IN SCORPIO SO THAT'S A GOOD REASON AS WELL AND YOU LIKE TIGERS.

Today's Dotman joke is one of his worst yet. Don't enjoy!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes, sucka!

Dotson Salutes - Full Moons

2008-04-20T10:48:00.000-07:00

It was a full moon this morning at 2am!

Full moons are Japanese Restaurants and their coupons look like this---

Check out the amazing savings!!!

So what happened last night is that I went to a karaoke party and the person hosting the party had a PRIVATE ROOM!

So there were like 20 of us and we all sang songs!

At one point I even sang "She's Like the Wind" by Patrick Dempsey!

Hey!

After the karaoke party, several of us went to a SECOND party because that's what you do when there are full moon restaurants. You go to a second party.

When we walked in there, there were dudes playing beer pong in the dining room and I was all like, "Yes!!! This is my kind of party!!!!"

There was also another guy vomiting in the toilet with the bathroom door open.

Kick ass!

We stayed at the party for about an hour or so. And I talked to this Virgo chick who gave me some travel tips when I go to Europe this summer. So I was able to get some quality information at this party.

ALSO! I was talking to one of my bowling friends AT THE SAME PARTY and he works on the show "Navy NCIS" and he told me that Mark Harmon is "pretty solid in the head."

ON THIS GREAT DAY, APRIL 20, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES FULL MOONS BECAUSE THEY'RE JAPANESE RESTAURANTS WHERE YOU GET $5 OFF AND BECAUSE WHEN THERE'S FULL MOONS YOU GO TO TWO PARTIES AND YOU STAY OUT REALLY LATE (AT LEAST, "LATE" FOR YOU) AND THAT'S 3AM AND YOU TALK TO A VIRGO CHICK AND GET TRAVEL TIPS AND YOU TALK TO YOUR BOWLING FRIEND WHO TELLS YOU THAT MARK HARMON IS "SOLID IN THE HEAD" AND YOU SING A PATRICK DEMPSEY SONG AT KARAOKE.

I'm going to a barbeque this afternoon and after that, somebody is making me dinner. Sarah Jennifer Parker TOTALLY wishes she was me!!!!!!!

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day