Thursday, March 11, 2010

The blog has moved

Dotson Salutes can now be read at http://chrisdotson.tumblr.com/

Friday, January 2, 2009

Rodrigo is Furious - Crappy Movies



Today I had the worst day of my life. I went to the movie theatre to see a movie. The movie theatre had 14 movies that were playing. The problem was I didn't want to see any of them. One of the movies was called "The Wrestler" that starred Mike Rourke. I'm told it is supposed to be depressing. That is the only movie I even kind of wanted to see.

My girlfriend did not want to see that movie, so that movie was not an option.

There was another movie playing called "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttocks." That movie was not something I wanted to see. It starred two people named Brad Pitts and Kate Blanket. They better hope they don't get sued by "The Curious Case of George." That was one of my favorite books as a child and I don't remember a scary old man being in that. If "Benjamin Buttocks" is supposed to be a remake of "The Curious George," then it is by far the worst remake I have ever seen. But I didn't see it. I won't see it. I don't know why they even bother giving out Academy Awards anymore.

After we left the movie theater very disappointed, I went to buy a heat patch at the drug store and when the cashier gave me change, I noticed one of the nickels was from 1953.

My name is Rodrigo.

www.mynameischrisdotson.com

Dotson Salutes - Rodrigo








There is no more Dotson. There is only Rodrigo.




Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Dotson Salutes - New Year's Eve Lunch


When it comes to eating food on New Year's Eve, I don't mess around.

So that's why for lunch today I had not only a hot dog with mustard and relish, but I also ate broccoli and drank an orange Mexican soda called "Jarritos."

My lunch looked like this---



But just because it's New Year's Eve, that does not mean I'm taking the day off. Not by a long shot. I've got shit to do.

Here's what I did so far--

1. I finished the book "Hocus Pocus" by Kirk Vonnegut.



2. I thought about how much the band "OK Go" sucks ass.

3. I went for a 52 minute walk in my neighborhood

8. I thought about how the band "OK Go" should be called "OK Go to Hell" or "OK, We Know We Suck but Virgos and Cancers and 9 year-olds love us, so we're going to keep putting out albums. Sorry."

5. Went to the grocery store and bought a box of LE PETIT ÉCOLIER cookies.



6. I thought about how I wish my mother was black, or at least a little bit blacker.


HAPPY NEW YEAR! It's the year of the ox, but that doesn't start until January 26, so I'm going to watch "Body Double" with the Libra Fiancee.

Chris Dotson

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Dotson Salutes Shitty Music - "Another Day in Paradise"

Bill Collins owes me a helicopter.

If he thinks he can just go around singing crappy songs about homeless people, he's got another thing coming.



And by "another thing coming," I mean "urine in the mouth."

My urine. Hospital urine.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Easel Pads


I was at the office store yesterday and you know how they have easel pads?



Well, guess how much they were!



That's right-- $35.99 for two pads!

That's like $24 each!!!!

WTF?

How do they get away with charging so much for that jive? I mean, how much does paper cost?

Like 3 cents?

So you multiply 3 cents times 8 and you get 24 cents!

It costs them 24 cents to make this stuff and then they charge $35.99 for two!

This is worse price poaching than gas and oil. Haliburton ain't got nuthin' on this racket.


However!


In these dark times, there is hope and that hope comes in the form of a new web series starring me and Libra Fiancée. We started a YouTube Page and basically we will crank out these videos from time to time where Libra Fiancée talks about her experiences that day and I nod and say things in response. We promise incredibly shitty picture and sound quality.

Our first ever video was recorded last night. Here it is---



So far we have NINE hits!!! You could be the TENTH viewer!!! Then think of all the sex you'll get!!!!




ON THIS GREAT DAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES EASEL PADS FOR COSTING 24 CENTS TO MAKE AND THEN SELLING TWO-FOR-$35.99 PLUS TAX AND PEOPLE GET UPSET THAT THERE ARE WARS BEING FOUGHT OVER OIL BUT WARS SHOULD REALLY BE FOUGHT OVER EASEL PADS BECAUSE IT'S HURTING THE MIDDLE CLASS THAT THESE COST SO MUCH AND MIDDLE CLASS ARE FAMILIES.

Today the Dotman is in drag.



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Dotson Salutes - "Trail Power®"

Most people don't know that I used to be in the army and that the army taught me to be a team player.



But I don't hold that against people. It's not their job to know that I was in the army.

However, it IS people's job to eat food that makes them feel like they are on crack cocaine. And if you're people and want to do your job, then you need to take off your shirt and eat "Trail Power®."



This might sound like an advertisement, but it is not. This is just a reminder that we need to feel like we are on crack cocaine at all times. Otherwise, what's the point of being an American? Why did I serve my country in the war if you aren't going to throw a bunch of shit in your system that makes you feel like cleaning your house all night long and makes you want to go to the grocery store and buy one of those pre-paid credit cards so that you can charge internet pornography to it without your husband finding out?




"People eating organic superfoods = Happy Veterans"


ON THIS GREAT DAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "TRAIL POWER®" AND LAST WEEK I WENT TO A CASINO IN PRIOR LAKE, MINNESOTA AND I PLAYED BLACK JACK AND AT THE END OF THE AFTERNOON I LOST EXACTLY $1.


Today The Dotman takes a stab at doing an impression of actor Haley Joel Osment.





Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes