Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Art

Most of you are pretty cultured, I reckon, so I have to imagine that somewhere along the line you've heard of this "Art" stuff.

It's pretty rad. Check it out---

Sometimes art looks like this--




And other times it looks like this---




And still OTHER times it looks like this---




And when you make an art that is really good, people hang it on a wall in a white room with super high ceilings and strange people you've never met before show up and look at your art and drink wine. Sometimes they even ask you how much it is!!




Art is all around us, dude. All around us. No matter where you look, art is always making an appearance.

The great thing about art is that it provides a creative outlet and takes you away from "clock time" and allows you to plug into this divine energy that speaks to us from another dimension that we as humans can't quite see yet.

The other great thing about art is that you can do ANYTHING you want (ANYTHING!!!) and if you SAY it's art, then it BECOMES art.

JUST LIKE THAT!

There are all kinds of varieties of art.

For example, I've been making video art for a while, and I've been doing acting art as well. Sometimes I even do writing art. And you gotta love music art!

But up until this point in my life, I had never done PAINTING art, and most people would say that's the most famous art of them all!

The walls in my apartment are mostly white. I painted one wall (with mucho help from my Taurus contractor friend) in the living room green and one wall in my kitchen orange. There's one wall in the bedroom that's painted blue. But there are still at least three walls in my apartment that are just white with nothing on them.

And since I didn't want to paint any more walls, I decided to buy a 48"x30" canviss and some acrylic paints and make an art to hang on the wall. I figured people would be so busy looking at the art hanging on the wall that they wouldn't even notice the rest of the wall was white!

Because I had never painted before, I decided to bring in a painting specialist to help me do this thing. The painting specialist I landed was my easily-offended Aries friend and I was able to procure her services by buying her lunch at a Brazilian restaurant. (She had steak.)

So after lunch we went back to my place and broke out the paints. She showed me how to mix the paints and how to rinse the brush when I was finished with it. She told me the rest was up to me.

I got to painting, and after 127 minutes, I ended up with this---


It's the VERY FIRST Dotson painting art!! (Well, the very first Chris Dotson painting art. My Virgo sister does painting art like all the time.)




And I can probably sell it for 1 million dollars, because I read about an auction recently where an art was sold for $22.7 million. I know that since I'm an "unknown" in the art community, asking $22.7 million for my piece is CRAZY, yo. But 1 million is very reasonable. (That is, if I even WANT to sell it.)

I experienced many highs and lows during the painting of this art. There were times where I was just loving what I was doing. LOVING IT! And there were other times where I felt like I'd "screwed up", (even though I know that's IMPOSSIBLE with art), but the good thing about acrylic paint is that if you don't like something you did, you just paint right over it. It also dries fast.

Now that I've painted one art, I can't wait to do more! It's really easy, too. All you need is a canviss and some paint. And when I was painting this sucker I felt like I was in kindergarten again. Because when people are in kindergarten, the teacher gives them paint and some paper and tells them to paint whatever they want and the people in kindergarten paint the craziest stuff and then they're so DAMN PROUD to bring their art home to their parents and their parents are so DAMN PROUD of their kid for making the art and they tell their kid it's the most beautiful thing they've ever seen and they put in on the refrijerater and everyone is happy and the kids can't wait to make more art and the parents can't wait to receive the art and add it to the fridge and it's a circle of frickin' happiness where nobody judges no one and everything is beautiful.




And that's what art is.

A circle of frickin' happiness.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 20, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES ART FOR BEING PRETTY RAD, FOR ALWAYS MAKING AN APPEARANCE, FOR ALLOWING PEOPLE THE FREEDOM TO DO ANYTHING THEY WANT, FOR BEING REALLY EASY TO LEARN AFTER YOU TREAT YOUR EASILY-OFFENDED ARIES FRIEND TO A BRAZILIAN LUNCH, FOR HAVING A MINIMUM VALUE OF $1 MILLION DOLLARS REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU CREATE, AND FOR BEING A CIRCLE OF FRICKIN' HAPPINESS.


Hey, look!!!

Here's another Art right here---




See?? Art is EVERYWHERE!


Chris Dotson

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Dotson Salutes - NBK 24/7 : Nolte, Busey, Kristofferson

Last night Nick Nolte appeared in one of my dreams.



I don't remember exactly what Nick Nolte wanted from me in the dream, but fortunately he was clothed, and I don't recall him trying to sell me jelly beans or anything like that.

So this morning I jumped on this obscure website called "YouTube" and I happened to see that one of the featured videos of the day was this hilarious video starring Nick Nolte, Gary Busey, and Kris Kristofferson.

So I of course had to watch it, because it's not everyday that I first have a dream about a fully-clothed Nick Nolte, and then wake up to find a video starring him on YouTube!

The featured video can be viewed right here---



(Or you can watch it here.)


The video made me laugh quite a bit. These are three actors who are pretty much known for their dramatic acting, but apparently have decided to get together and explore the world of comedy instead.

And it turns out they are VERY GOOD at being funny!

There are a couple other videos by these guys on YouTube and I would suggest checking out all of them. Also, in addition to being roommates, Nolte, Busey, and Kristofferson formed a film production company called Wicked Awesome Films, and there are plenty of other hilarious videos on their website as well. One of them even stars Christopher Walken and his entire family!



I would like to wish Nick Nolte, Gary Busey and Kris Kristofferson continued success with their short videos they make for the internet. It is a rare thing when three talented people like this make that huge left turn that takes them away from the past of the safe where the success all did and leap into the ocean of an area of unlimited potential that wasn't explored they had up until this point.

And for that, they get a Dotson Salute!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 19, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES NICK NOLTE, GARY BUSEY AND KRIS KRISTOFFERSON FOR BEING VERY GOOD AT BEING FUNNY, FOR CRANKING OUT SOME HILARIOUS VIDEOS, FOR HAVING FORMED WICKED AWESOME FILMS, AND FOR TAKING THAT HUGE LEFT TURN INTO AN OCEAN OF UNLIMITED POTENTIAL THAT WASN'T EXPLORED THEY HAD UP UNTIL THIS POINT!


My favorite Nick Nolte movie is this:




YOUR favorite Nick Nolte movie is this:




My favorite Gary Busey movie is this:




YOUR favorite Gary Busey movie is this:




My favorite Kris Kristofferson movie is this:




YOUR favorite Kris Kristofferson movie is this:



(Really??? "A Soldier's Daughter Never Cries"??? That's your FAVORITE Kris Kristofferson movie? I've never even HEARD of that movie!)



Also, over the past year or so, I've noticed that when I'm driving around Los Angeles, I've seen quite a few cars with license plates both from Minnesota and Michigan. I've decided to start keeping a tally of how many of these license plates I see everyday.

Here we go---

Number of Minnesota License Plates spotted on Monday, June 18: 1
Number of Michigan License Plates spotted on Monday, June 18: 0

Number of Minnesota License Plates spotted on Tuesday, June 19: 0
Number of Michigan License Plates spotted on Tuesday, June 19: 4(!)


Chris Dotson

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Dotson Salutes - "Keep Those Balls in the Air!"

Once upon a time, there was this really funny TV show called "Arrested Development".



Everyone who watched this show agreed it was one of the funniest things they'd ever seen anywhere.

Even people who were born with absolutely no sense of humor had to admit the show was "not that bad."

The thing was, though, even though the show was so funny and everyone liked it and stuff, it got canceled after just 3 seasons.

The reason it got canceled is that it aired on The Food Network. When people tune into the Food Network, they expect to see stories about hamburgers and sandwich meats.

They don't expect to see one of the best comedies of all time.

It was reaaaaallllllly confusing for everyone.

Before the show was canceled, the Food Network tried to sell "Arrested Development" to CBS.

CBS did make an offer, but part of the deal was that they were going to re-cast the show and make David Caruso the lead.



The Food Network was all like, "Sure, cast David Caruso! We don't give a rat’s! Just show us the money, foo!"

And it was all going to happen. The show was going to be saved and David Caruso was going to become a big star.

But then David Hasselhoff showed up to one of the meetings with no shirt on and started yelling at people and taking everyone's pizza without asking, and the deal got vetoed.



So that's the story of "Arrested Development."


BUT--- before David Hasselhoff caused "Arrested Development" to get canceled, there was this fantastic song called "Keep Those Balls in the Air" that was featured in season 3 of the show, in the episode called "Notapusy".

The song is used in a training montage where Jason Bates and the character named Steve Holt are training for a triathlon.

You can watch the scene (and hear the song!!) right here---



or here.


And this is another video featuring "Keep Those Balls in the Air" and what's going on in this video is a dude took the song and put it over this Sony commercial. I'm posting this video as well because the sound quality is much better and you can really rock out to the song better---



(Or you can watch it here instead.)


What an incredible song. I did about 4 minutes of research online about the song, and it would appear that there are no MP3s out there of it, nor is it available for download on iTunes. That is sad.

Plus, it seems that the ENTIRE song is what you hear on the above videos. It's only a 35-second thing. I guess the "Arrested Development" people didn't write a full pop song because either they didn't think it would have such a following, or because they were too busy guarding their pizza so that David Hasselhoff wouldn't eat it.

But, I divest.

At any rate, "Keep Those Balls in the Air" belongs in a museum, and any song that belongs in a museum most certainly warrants a "Dotson Salute", so let's get to it---


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 17, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES THE SONG "KEEP THOSE BALLS IN THE AIR", FOR BEING ONE OF THE BEST MONTAGE SONGS OF ALL TIME, FOR BEING ABOUT KEEPING BALLS IN THE AIR, FOR HOPEFULLY SOMEDAY BEING DOWNLOADABLE ON ITUNES, AND FOR ALSO MAYBE HAVING A LONGER VERSION OF THE SONG SOMEDAY WHEN DAVID HASSELHOFF ISN'T LURKING AND TRYING TO STEAL EVERYONE'S PIZZA.


I have to imagine "Keep Those Balls in the Air" is particularly popular with jugglers.

(And werewolves.)




Chris Dotson

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Studies & Naperville, Illinois

You ever heard of these Studies things?

They look like this---




And sometimes they look like this---




Basically, studies are done by people I've never met before who put a mouse in a cage and periodically drop blue drops of liquid onto them and see how the mouse reacts. Then they make notes.




Here are a few studies RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES that came about from this dropping blue drops on the mouse-in-the-cage method:

"Studies Show Exercise Can Improve Your Sex Life"

"Studies Show What It Takes to Be a Top E-Commerce Site"

"Studies Show President Bush Does Not Have Dementia"


And while all these studies are all well and good and provide me with TONS of VALUABLE information, I felt a little odd knowing that I was benefiting from this information, while some poor mouse was having blue drops of liquid dropped on it.

I thought to myself "There MUST be another way to conduct studies without involving a mouse in a cage. There just must!!"

And it turns out, you CAN do studies without mice. In fact, it's possible to do studies without any research WHATSOEVER!

This new brand of studies are called "Dotson Studies" and they're awesome because they give you all kinds of useful information without harming any mice or requiring me to do any actual work. Everyone wins!!!

Here are some Dotson studies right here:

-Dotson Studies show that if you go without food for 3 days, you will be hungry.


-Dotson Studies show that people who shave their armpits live well beyond the age of 40.




-Dotson Studies show that if you put tap water in a cup, the inside of the cup will become wet.


-Dotson Studies show that humor was invented by a businessman from Mecca who got a little too friendly with the boss's daughter and needed to appear charming to avoid being thrown into a pit full of asps. That same businessman went on to invent tomatoes.




-Dotson Studies show that sex is a great stress-reliever, provided sex doesn't stress you out and you involve a raccoon.


-Dotson Studies show that 98% of dogs could pick up their own feces if they wanted to. The other 2% were too busy humping something.




-Dotson Studies show that most people would prefer not going to the dentist as opposed to going to the dentist.


-Dotson Studies show the television program "ER" should be easier to spell.




-Dotson Studies show the word "fish" spelled backwards is very difficult to pronounce.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 16, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES STUDIES FOR PROVIDING PEOPLE TONS OF USEFUL INFORMATION THAT THEY COULDN'T POSSIBLY LIVE WITH OTHERWISE. BUT DOTSON SALUTES "DOTSON STUDIES" EVEN MORE BECAUSE DOTSON DOESN'T TEST ON MICE AND HIS STUDIES REQUIRE NO RESEARCH WHATSOEVER, LEAVING PEOPLE THE FREEDOM TO SPEND MORE TIME IN THE MEN'S ROOM AT THE LOWE'S STORE OF THEIR CHOICE.





The above picture was taken at a Lowe's Store in Naperville, Illinois.

And if you've never been to Naperville, Illinois, you are MISSING OUT, my friend!

MISSING OUT!!

And you know who lives in Naperville, Illinois?


This guy---





And he wants to meet you!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 16, 2007, IN ADDITION TO SALUTING STUDIES, DOTSON WOULD ALSO LIKE TO SALUTE THE TOWN OF NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS FOR HAVING AN AWESOME MEN'S ROOM IN THEIR LOWE'S STORE AND FOR BEING THE HOME OF THE GUY IN THE PICTURE WHO WANTS TO MEET YOU.


Chris Dotson

Friday, June 15, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Bob Barker

Today's salute goes out to Bob Mother-Effin' Barker.



He is the host of a cable access game show called "The Price is Right.", and from what I understand from Yahoo headlines, today is the very last episode of the show.

And whenever there's a LAST of ANYTHING on this planet, it's a big deal. It's a REALLY BIG DEAL!

Bob Mother-Effin' Barker was born on December 12. That makes him a Sagittarius. Sagittarians are known for being completely irresistible to women, for never dying, and for being incredible game show hosts.

But even though he was born under the best sign of the zodiac, success did not come easily to Bob Mother-Effin' Barker. Back in the day, you see, no one wanted to hire a TV personality with the middle name of "Mother-Effin." They felt it was too risqué.

Fortunately, Bob Mother-Effin' Barker hired a publicist and the publicist encouraged him to lose the "Mother -Effin'" and just become Bob Barker.

Bob Barker took the advice and the rest is history!!!


"The Price is Right" is known for giving away prizes to easily-excited contestants who like to win new cars and things of that nature.

In addition to giving out free cars, there's this awesome wheel that people get to spin.

The wheel looks like this--



The idea when you spin the wheel is to get as close to a dollar without GOING OVER the dollar. Because if you go over, you have to go home.

But if you have success with the wheel, then you get to be a part of a thing called the "Showcase Showdown".

This is where things get really exciting!

The Showcase Showdown looks like this--



When you make it there, Bob Barker shows you a bunch of prizes and you have to guess the TOTAL AMOUNT of what all the prizes add up to. And whoever guesses the closest (Again, without GOING OVER, because the "Price is Right" hates it when people go over. HATES it!) gets to have all those prizes.

Based on the above picture, I'm assuming the lady on the right won. That's good for her, but it sucks for the lady on the left. Because what happens is that if you lose the "Showcase Showdown", a trap door opens underneath you and you fall into a pit of alligators and they eat you until you stop living.

In other words, you die.

But, hey! Death is a part of life and it's also a part of game shows. No biggie!

Then, after the one person wins and the other person dies, Bob Barker tells everyone to have their pets "spained" and "noodered."

I've never understood what that meant.

(Actually, I just looked up "spained" on the world wide web, and the definition for it was so disgusting that I'm not going to post the link to it. It's REALLY gross and it involves oral sex. Do not look up the definition. You'll regret it. God, WHY would Bob Barker tell people to spain their pets??? It's just cruel. Man, Bob Barker has some demons, dude. Big time demons. And what about "noodered"? I'm too afraid to find out what that means after looking up "spained.")


Anyway, in addition to giving away prizes and holding an incredibly long, thin microphone, Bob Barker is IRRESISTIBLE to the opposite sex.

You see, whenever women are on the show, they always kiss him on the cheek. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!



They can't help themselves when they get around Bob Barker. They just need to touch him and rub themselves on him and stuff.

But that's what happens when you're a Sagittarius. Women are constantly (CONSTANTLY!) clawing at you and trying to get you to do sexual things with them.


Like any TV show that's worth it's salt, "Price" had a bit of a scandal a while back. I guess Bob Barker was sexing it up with some of the "Beauties."

The "Beauties" are these hot chicks on the show who stand by the prizes and point at them.

Here's a picture of "The Beauties" right here, celebrating Bob Barker's 6,000th Birthday--




Because of that scandal, Bob Barker decided to step away from the "Price is Right" and become an actor.

His most notable acting job was when he appeared in the hilarious comedy "Gilmore Girls" with Adam Sandberg and he has a scene where he beats Sandberg up.



But eventually Bob Barker went back to the "Price is Right", told the "Beauties" to stop hitting on him, and they all agreed that they would keep it in their pants and focus on giving away prizes to insane contestants and telling people to spain their pets.

The end.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 15, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES BOB "MOTHER-EFFIN'" BARKER FOR RETIRING FROM "THE PRICE IS RIGHT", FOR BEING A SAGITTARIUS, FOR GIVING AWAY PRIZES TO NUTSO CONTESTANTS, FOR TELLING PEOPLE TO SPAIN THEIR PETS, FOR BEING IRRESISTIBLE TO THE OPPOSITE SEX, FOR HAVING A SCANDAL WITH "THE BEAUTIES", FOR BEATING UP ANDY SAMBURN IN A COMEDY ABOUT GOLF, AND FOR KNOWING CHUCK NORRIS.




Yup, there they are--- Bobby B. and my close, personal friend, Chuck Norris.

Now that Bob Barker is retired, I think Chuck Norris should become the new host of the show, and they should change the name from "The Price is Right" to "Chuck Norris is Right".

I also think I did an incredible job cleaning my bathtub today.


Chris Dotson

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Dotson Salutes - The Weather

Today's salute goes out to the weather.





Have you ever heard of this stuff?? It's awesome!

I'm relatively new to this whole weather thing, but apparently it's been going on for a long time, like over 50 years!!

I don't know how I went through life this long without hearing about weather, but then again, I only learned how to tie a tie 2 months ago, so what do I know??


Here's how I came to learn about weather.

I was at a stoplight waiting to cross the street and this old lady with a cane walked up to me and said, "Lovely weather we're having, huh?"

I didn't know what the hell she was talking about! I assumed she was a drug dealer and this was her way to get me to buy drugs from her. And my parents always told me that if I was offered drugs that I should give the drug dealer the finger and tell them "shove it up yo ass!"

So that's what I did. I gave the old chick the finger big time and then I told her where to shove her drugs. (Up her ass.)

Then I ran home as fast as I could because I didn't know if the old drug dealer lady was maybe going to chase me.

When I got home, I decided to do some research on this drug she was selling called "weather." I typed it in to my computer, and this was the definition I got---

"Weather is the specific condition of the atmosphere at a particular place and time. It is measured in terms of such things as wind, temperature, humidity, atmospheric pressure, cloudiness, and precipitation. In most places, weather can change from hour-to-hour, day-to-day, and season-to-season. Climate is the average of weather over time and space. A simple way of remembering the difference is that climate is what you expect (eg cold winters) and 'weather' is what you get (eg a blizzard)."


AHA!!! So weather isn't drugs at all. Weather's the stuff that's going on when you go outside.

SO THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED!!!

I always used to refer to weather as "outside".

So I'd say to someone something like, "Man, it sure is some hot outside we're having today!" Or "Can you believe this outside? Yesterday it was bright and today it's really dark and there's wet stuff falling from the sky! Crazy outside, man. Just crazy!"

And whenever I said this stuff, I realized people would give me a funny look. I didn't think I'd said anything wrong, I just assumed that they'd seen my "Gemini Impersonation" Video on YouTube and that's why they were looking at me so strange.

But now I know that "outside" is "weather."

Weather comes in various forms, too.

Sometimes weather looks like this---




And other times it might look like this---




And ALSO I found out that on your TV, if you watch the news, the news devotes a significant portion of its show to talking about the weather.




WHO KNEW??


It's truly incredible. And the best part is that all of this weather is FREE and it's available 24 HOURS A DAY--- even in Alaska and Belgium!!!


Now I feel kind of bad about giving that old lady the finger. But I'm telling you, she TOTALLY looked like a drug dealer.

TOTALLY.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 14, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES THE WEATHER FOR BEING AWESOME, FOR BEING IN EXISTENCE OVER 50 YEARS, FOR NOT BEING DRUGS, FOR TAKING VARIOUS FORMS, AND FOR BEING AVAILABLE 24 HOURS A DAY- EVEN IN ALASKA AND BELGIUM.


Weather frickin' rocks, dude.



Chris Dotson

Dotson Salutes - The Astrological Sign Gemini, Part 2

In my last blog, I wrote that I was going to get to the bottom of what makes Geminis tick.



I said I didn't care how long it took me, how many people I had to interview, how many Raffi albums I had to listen to or how many tacos I had to eat. I was going to get to the bottom of this whole Gemini thing.

And after only 5 days of research, I am now ready to report back to the group.

But first, did any of you read the recent article in the New York Times, where the Dalai Lama was interviewed and he was talking about how he can't meditate during Gemini?




Here's an excerpt from the interview:

NYT: Your Holiness, we've been told that you meditate like all the time, like it's part of your Buddhist beliefs and stuff. But this chick told me at a party a while back that you have trouble meditating during Gemini. Is that true?

DL: Dude, that's totally true! Have you ever tried meditating during Gemini? It's hard as f**k! I mean Gemini is such a cerebral sign, you know? I mean people are constantly thinking during Gemini and everyone moves around really fast and is totally impatient and stuff and I absolutely pick up on that energy and find it way hard to slow down my mind. You know? So I think it was back in 1987 where I finally said, EFF this, dude! I am never gonna meditate during Gemini again. I'm just going to do crossword puzzles during those four weeks instead.

(The rest of the interview is available on the New Yorks Times website.)


The thing is, I meditate a lot myself and I also was finding I was having trouble meditating during Gemini. So for me to read that the Dalai Lama (who is like the KING of meditation) was also having issues, I realized that sitting still and communing with your inner self just is not something that goes with the spirit of Gemini.

I mean, it would be like going to Mexico for the french fries, or watching a show like "Grey's Anatomy" and expecting to be entertained.

This stuff just don't mix.

BUT, as I said in my last blog, there's more to Gemini than just insanity and kinky sex. There's even more to Gemini than not being able to meditate.

Here's what IS to Gemini---

Gemini is all about doing whatever you want, whenever you want, and not needing anyone to tell you it's okay. See, Gemini is known as the "rebel" of the Zodiac. And basically, if you tell them to do something, they're just going to do the opposite. And it's not like they do the oppostie to be a jerk, they do it because... well, they can't help it.

So now that we're in Gemini (and we will continue to be for the next 9 days), now is the time to eat ice cream for breakfast! It's the perfect time to take a day off from work and see a movie. It's okay to wake up at 4am because you feel like it. It's also a great time to go buy a bunch of leg warmers. Gemini's loooooove leg warmers. I have no idea why, but they do.

It's the perfect time to go out and buy a parrot. It's the perfect time to go to a restaurant and NOT finish your meal. It's the perfect time to take a shower with your clothes on.

It's also the perfect time to buy yourself a "Karate Kid" switch plate on eBay!



I just bought one myself. It was $6.00, plus $2.75 shipping. Not too shabby!!!

But basically, Gemini is the perfect time to be like Clark Gable in "Gone with the Wind" and say: "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"




And even though I'm still making Geminis seem kind of crazy and impulsive and what not, I would like to acknowledge that there are plenty of normal Geminis out there.

Like Angelina Jolie---



Yup. Nothing crazy about her. She's almost boring, come to think of it.


And Prince---




Prince has always been a very down-to-earth person. He's never displayed much of an imagination or any creative drive for that matter. He seems better suited to manage an Office Depot than be a musical icon, but he does have a following. I guess some people like their musicians to be subtle.


And Boy George---



Again, a completely sane Gemini here. Nothing "out there" about this guy. In a previous life time he probably drove a school bus.


Now, like a good Gemini (I'm a Sagittarius, but with Moon in Gemini, so I consider myself an honorary Gemini), I'm getting bored with this blog, so I'm going to end it soon.

But first, I made another David Lynch video, where David Lynch pays tribute to Gemini.

If for some reason you can't watch it right here---



You can watch it here.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 12, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES THE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN OF GEMINI FOR BEING A DIFFICULT SIGN TO MEDITATE IN, FOR ENCOURAGING YOU TO DO WHAT YOU WANT, WHENEVER YOU WANT, LIKE EAT ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST OR BUY A KARATE KID SWITCH PLATE, FOR PRODUCING "NORMAL" GEMINIS LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE, PRINCE, AND BOY GEORGE, AND FOR MAKING THE ZODIAC A FAR MORE INTERSTING PLACE.

What would the world be like without Geminis?

Well, probably pretty quiet. But also kind of dull.

And we wouldn't have the most famous Gemini of all--

KENNY G!!!





PLAY IT, KENNY!! PLAY IT!!


Chris Dotson

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Dotson Salutes - The Astrological Sign Gemin, Part 1

6/7/07

This isn't going to be easy.

What I'm about to attempt to do is get to the bottom of why Geminis behave the way they do.



I'm sure all of you have come across a Gemini at some point in your life. They're easy to identify because they talk a lot. And the two topics they generally talk about are the medication that they're on and how many people they've slept with.

But there's so much more to Geminis than just insanity and kinky sex!

And to understand what makes a Gemini tick, let me first share with you the origins of the Gemini.


Geminis were invented by a secret sector of the United States Government back in 1953. The orders to create Geminis came from then-president Harry S. Truman.



Prior to ordering the invention of the Gemini, Truman was best known for belching ALL THE TIME and not wiping his feet before entering the White House. This guy totally sucked. And in an attempt to save face with the American Public (his approval rating at the time was a measly 0.32%), he decided to invent a new astrological sign.

When Truman unveiled his new "Super Sign", he informed the American People that these new Gemini things would "scare the bejesus out of the Commies". (Remember, at the time there was a "Cold War" taking place between the U.S. and the Soviet Union in which the two nations didn't talk to each other. They didn't hang out on the weekends and go shopping or anything. It was way passive-aggressive.)

The American Public were blown away by this new astrological sign. The Geminis proved to be amazing conversationalists. They NEVER stopped talking. Even in their sleep! They talked in their sleep! NO ONE talked in their sleep prior to Geminis. NO ONE! Not even Libras!

And when the Geminis weren't talking, they were having sex! And they were REALLY good at it, too! Everyone who had sex with a Gemini swore that it was truly a rewarding experience. And these Geminis kept sexing it up like it was nobody's business and just kept on multiplying and multiplying, and before you knew it, there were just as many Geminis out there as there were other signs!

And even more than that, the Geminis truly DID end Communism, because in 1989-- only 36 years after Geminis came into existence-- the Berlin Wall came down and that marked the end of Communism!




YEAH, GEMINIS!!!

It's no surprise that the wall came down so quickly, because by their nature, Geminis are very QUICK. Their minds works super fast.

Check this out:

In astrology, each sign has a "ruling planet" and it is said that the sign takes on traits of that planet. Dig it? So Sagittarius's ruling planet is Jupiter, Capricorn's is Saturn, Pisces's is Neptune, etc.

Now, when Harry Truman invented Geminis, all the planets were already assigned to different signs. So what Truman did is he took the planet Mercury (which was already assigned to Virgo) and said he was going to make Mercury the ruling planet of both Virgo AND Gemini.

As you might imagine, this pissed off a lot of Virgos, who are naturally kind of pissed-off already and they rebelled and threw things at the White House. Then all of the rebelling Virgos were rounded up and sent to these secret prison camps in the Atlantic Ocean. No one knew about the existence of these camps for years and years. It was a really ugly time in American History.

Fortunately, that kind of stuff never happens today.

I'm getting sidetracked, which is GREAT because Geminis get sidetracked all the time. ALL THE TIME!!

And the reason they get sidetracked is because of the planet Mercury.

Mercury looks like this:




In real life, the planet is much larger than this picture, but you get the idea.

And Mercury affects COMMUNICATION. That planet is all about thinking. It's all about the mind and talking and writing and all that kind of useless stuff that they make you do in school.

That's why Geminis are always talking! Because they can't stop THINKING!

It's really tough for them, too. All that thinking. That's why they attempt to escape from their mind by drinking and screwing everything the come into contact with. They're just looking for some relief, yo!

So next time you see a Gemini, don't run the other way. Go up to them and give them a hug and tell them that you're sorry they have to think so much. And if the Gemini hugs you back, just make sure they keep their hands out of your pants, otherwise THEN it's a good time to run the other way.



As you might have read at the start of this blog, this is only Part 1 of the Gemini Salute. How many parts will it take? I don't know. It's frickin' Gemini, you know? It could take me the rest of my life. I mean, there are TONS of things I haven't even begun to talk about when it comes to Geminis.

For example:

1. The reason that all Gemini women wish they had penises and why all Gemini men wish they had vaginas. (It's not the reason you'd think!!)

2. Why Geminis fight.

3. Why Geminis are some of the worst drivers on the road

4. Why a Gemini will never, EVER place a "Welcome" mat oustide their front door.

5. Why all Geminis - male and female- have extensive leg warmer collections (I'm not sure if even I know the reason for that...)



6. Why the Dalia Lama doesn't meditate during Gemini



And many, many other things, including speaking about Gemini celebrities. (Celebrities are SOOO F-U-N!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!)


But until I recoup and have my strength up for another go-round with Gemini, let's take a trip down memory lane and once again watch my now-famous "Gemini Impersonation" video, which seems to be especially popular with Scorpios.





(Or if the video won't work here, you can watch it on YouTube here.)


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JUNE 7, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES THE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN GEMINI FOR BEING MORE THAN JUST INSANE AND INTO KINKY SEX, FOR BEING INVENTED BY HARRY TRUMAN, FOR ENDING THE COLD WAR, FOR THINKING WAY MORE THAN IS NORMAL FOR ANY HUMAN BEING, AND FOR BEING SO DAMN FASCINATING THAT THEY COULDN'T POSSBILY BE SUMMED UP IN ONE SINGLE BLOG.

OH, DOTSON ALSO SALUTES GEMINIS FOR HAVING EXTENSIVE LEG WARMER COLLECTIONS.


Am I jealous of their leg warmer collections?

You bet your ass I am.


And one more thing-- I want to wish a very happy birthday to my Gemini friend Kirsten. She is the only Gemini I've ever known who let me touch one of their leg warmers, and for that, Kirsten, I will cherish you for eternity. And I will also buy you some ice cream next time I see you. Even Pistachio flavored.


Chris Dotson