Monday, July 30, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Postponed Car Washes

---Today's blog features BIG pictures---


I'm not a health nut, but sometimes I get the hankering to eat a healthy meal.

So when I get that feeling, I hit this place called In-N-Out Burger. They have way healthy french fries and burgers and chocolate shakes. Their food is way healthier than McDonalds or Burger King, so next time you're on a diet, be sure to eat plenty of In-N-Out Burger.



Check it out---

So I'm sitting in the parking lot of In-N-Out Burger, eating my healthy cheeseburger and sipping on my healthy chocolate shake and listening to sports talk radio.

Then all of a sudden-- OUT OF NOWHERE--- two chicks totally descended upon my Saturn and they made NO SOUND-- no sound at all!

Then they started trying to push this car wash thing on me, saying that if I gave them $5, they would wash my car. They could tell I wasn't that interested, so they played the "fundraiser" card and said it was for the cheerleading squad or something.

I told them that $5 was more than I paid for my entire car.

My car looks like this---




I told them that I paid only $3 for my car. They started to smile, like they thought I was making a joke, but I just stared them down without the slightest hint of humor (like I worked for the government or something!) and they kinda got weirded out and moved on.

I sat there for a couple of minutes, proud of myself for having weirded out two Hollywood teenagers, but then it dawned on me--- I really COULD use a car wash!

So I chased down the two girls and gave them $5 and told them I would like my car washed immediately.

They gave me this yellow ticket and told me the wash wasn't being held until this weekend (at the parking lot of a TACO BELL no less!) and I'd have to wait until then.



AHA!!!!

I knew there was a catch!!!

And they waited until they had my $5 before telling me I'd have to WAIT for the wash.

THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU...

Anyway, whatever. It's for charity, right? Plus, I took a closer look at the ticket and saw these two girls couldn't even spell very well so my heart immediately went out to them. And I realized that I could wait three or four days to have the car washed.

I would have loved to have gotten my car washed on Saturday, but I spent the afternoon with my Taurus contractor buddy who helped me hang curtains in my living room, so I didn't roll over to the wash until Sunday.

When I got to the Taco Bell parking lot, I expected to see balloons and young girls jumping up and down on the sidewalk, holding up signs advertising that there was a car wash going on!



But there wasn't any of that.

In fact, at first I thought the whole car wash thing was a sham. I didn't see ANY activity in the parking lot. I'd gotten screwed over by a fake car wash YET AGAIN!! When would I learn???

Then I noticed five young ladies sitting in the corner of the parking lot, huddled around an SUV. I drove over to them and one of the girls got up and said, "Are you hear for the car wash?"

I told her I was.

She proceeded to hand me this piece of paper---



She told me that the car wash had been postponed. I asked her if could keep the piece of paper that she had just given me and she said I COULD!!!

So to me, that was worth $5 right there!

Then she hands me this Taco Bell coupon and tells me that because of the inconvenience, they're giving me this coupon for $1 off ANY value meal. ANY VALUE MEAL!



(Later when I got home, I took a closer look at the coupon and as you can see, it looks like I get a FREE value meal. Not just $1 off, but EVERYTHING off!!!)




And not only that, they took down my phone number and told me that they would give me a call, because in addition to the free piece of paper and the free Taco Bell Value Meal, apparently I still get to have my car washed!


God bless America, motherf%ker!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 30, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES POSTPONED CAR WASHES FOR BRINGING IN MONEY FOR UNDERPRIVILEGED CHEERLEADERS WHO AREN'T GOOD AT SPELLING THINGS, FOR GIVING PEOPLE FREE PIECES OF PAPER AND FREE TACO BELL VALUE MEALS WHEN THEY GET CANCELED, AND FOR REINVIGORATING DOTSON'S BELIEF IN THE GREATNESS OF AMERICA!!!


And the best part is that Taco Bell is healthy, too! It's not as healthy as In-N-Out Burger or anything, but it's still pretty healthy. Organic, too.


Chris Dotson

Monday, July 23, 2007

Dotson Salutes - The Astrological Sign Leo & Michael Moore

It's July 23. That mean's we're TOTALLY in Leo!!!



And how about those Leos, huh??? I mean, are they rad or what???

They are easily the greatest astrological sign ever invented. EASILY!

Leos can do no wrong. They are the smartest, most attractive people on this planet. Every thought in their head is the greatest idea ever conceived by anyone anywhere. In a perfect world we would all be Leos, ALL of us.

(Leos like it when you talk about them like this. I'll keep going...)



Sadly for me, I was born under the astrological sign of Sagittarius which means I don't like being indoors if I can avoid it, but if I keep practicing my Buddhism and keep giving nickels to every homeless person I meet, then maybe in the next life, I will be born as a Leo and can enjoy the fruits of what it is to be one of the signs better than all over everything for eternity!!!!

Anyway, the reason I'm saluting Leos is because I saw this movie today called "Stucco". The title of the movie is completely misleading because I thought it was a movie about exterior coatings on residential buildings.



And I was looking forward to it because I haven't seen a movie about exterior coatings on residential buildings in years.

IN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Dammit if I wasn't pissed to all hell when I found out the movie was actually about health care in America.

I tried to get my money back from the cashier but he didn't speak English. Then he tried to sell me a watch. What a jerk.

So the movie was made by this retired actor named Michael Moore.

Michael Moore looks like this---



Before he made documentaries about boring things like health care, Michael Moore was James Bond. In the James Bond movies, there was always an incomprehensible plot about some villain threatening to blow something up and/or stealing a large diamond and James Bond for whatever reason was the only person who could go after the villain. Apparently in the James Bond world there is no such thing as a police department.

I guess Michael Moore eventually found the James Bond movies to be tiresome and decided to make his own movies.

I went to his last movie which was about 9/11 and it was damn emotional. I remember being on the verge of tears through most of it.

This time around with his stucco movie, it was more of the same. Very moving. There were people sniffling all around me. There was one woman in the row ahead of me who spent half the movie doubled over in tears.

The Dotman himself could have cried on at least six different occasions, but his icy Capricorn Rising energy kicked in in the nick of time to prevent him from becoming a blubbery tub of emotional puss.

But check it out---

This movie was way Leo!

Let me explain---

Michael Moore makes movies about people who are shut out of the "American Dream" (if in fact that dream still exists at all) and gives them a voice that they normally wouldn't have.

That's important!

And that's Leo energy! Leo's say, "Hey, world. I'm here and I'm going to be heard!"

Because when you get down to it, there isn't really too much to life. You're born, some stuff happens, and then you die. It's really a pretty dark situation, isn't it?

But Leos won't hear anything about that. Leos are going to dance, they're going to paint, they're going to sing and they're not going to be SILENCED no matter what.

Now of course, that kind of energy can sometimes be annoying, but at the same time, Leos take pride in being alive. They say "Yo, it's perfectly acceptable to love myself and to be an individual. I'm here on this planet for a reason and I ain't lettin' nobody jerk me around, least of all some punk-ass insurance company!"

All of us can benefit from that Leo energy to keep us going from time to time.

All of us.

Even people who seemingly have everything---

Like Agent Cody Banks.




ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 23, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES THE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN LEO FOR BEING EASILY THE GREATEST ASTROLOGICAL SIGN EVER INVENTED, FOR BEING THE ONE SIGN THAT IS ALWAYS RIGHT AND CAN NEVER DO WRONG, FOR GIVING PEOPLE THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO STAND UP TO ASSHOLES FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE, AND FOR SEEING SO MUCH MORE IN LIFE THAN IS ON THE SURFACE.

DOTSON ALSO SALUTES MICHAEL MOORE FOR WALKING AWAY FROM THOSE SILLY JAMES BOND MOVIES AND MAKING HIS OWN MOVIES, FOR MAKING A LEO-ESQUE MOVIE ABOUT PEOPLE GETTING JERKED AROUND BY U.S. HEALTH CARE THAT ALSO MADE MOST OF US IN THE MOVIE THEATER CRY, OR AT LEAST BROUGHT US TO THE VERGE OF TEARS, AND FOR HOPEFULLY MAKING A MOVIE NEXT TIME ABOUT STUCCO, OR AT THE VERY LEAST GIVING HIS FUTURE MOVIES LESS MISLEADING TITLES.



Have you heard this one????


Q: "What's the greatest punishment you can give a Leo?"

A: "Take away their MySpace Page."


OH!!!!!!


Before I split, let me leave you with the soothing sounds of maybe the greatest embodiment of a Leo ever to be personified in human form by an individual in the flesh- male or female.

Rick Jagger of "The Roaving Stones"


Jumpin Jack Flash






Add to My Profile | More Videos


Chris Dotson

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Strollers

Have you ever seen a baby? Or maybe even BEEN one at one time?

In case you don't know, babies look like this--



And I really don't like making grand statements like this one here, BUT---

Babies are some of the stupidest people on earth.


And I'm not singling out YOUR baby. I'm sure YOUR baby is a genius and is going to go on to invent all kinds of important stuff that cures diseases and get people to somehow be peaceful after killing the hell out of each other for the past 80 million years, and so forth.


But the fact of the matter is, there are a lot of things babies can't do.

Here's just a partial list of things they can't do---

1. Eat (without someone giving them food and literally placing it in their mouth.)

2. Drive a snowmobile

3. Take tests (Babies aren't even REQUIRED to take tests. People just know already that they won't be able to take them. This included drug tests.)

4. Have garage sales.



(Have you ever seen a baby hosting a garage sale? Didn't think so. How the hell would a baby be able to afford a garage in the first place, let alone handle money and accurately price her belongings? And IF a baby somehow managed to come into posession of a garage, I bet you any amount of money that it wouldn't even dawn on them to get change for the garage sale, so people would show up with $20 bills and want to buy a 50¢ pot holder and the baby wouldn't be able to make change. Awkward!!)

5. Go to the bathroom without the assistance of someone cleaning up after them. (A new study by some prominent doctors who went to college actually says now that babies are FAKING that whole bathroom thing just to mess with their parents. The doctors' advice to parents is to tell the baby from Day 1 "Change your own damn diaper and don't dick me around! I know you're faking me, baby!")


And, of course---

6. Walk


Have you ever seen a baby walk?

No, of course not. And I'm not talking about 32 year-old babies. Of course babies can walk when they're 32. Everyone can at that age. Baby or not.

I'm talking about the really little babies that don't know jack.

Babies like this--



Now how the hell is that kid gonna walk?

He's not.

And for the longest time, there was nothing babies could do because strollers weren't invented until 1973.

So prior to 1973, babies just had to SIT all the time, or lie down. That was it. They just had to sit there forever until Jesus came down and eventually blessed their legs with his magical can of soap and then *PRESTO*, the babies could walk!



But sometimes Jesus didn't come until the babies were 8 or even 9 years old and that really sucked. Especially for Gemini babies!

Back then, it was not a good time to be a baby.


But TODAY, well, TODAY is a whole different ball game--

Today there are these devices called "strollers" that babies can sit in and get carted around and see the world! The only catch is that they of course need a non-baby to operate the thing.

Strollers look like this---



And most models are available for under $14,000!

BARGAIN!

So today, there are still plenty of things a baby can't do (Talk, hit a curveball, backup a computer, mow the lawn and collect stamps), but there is one thing that they CAN do:

They can sit in a STROLLER and see the WORLD!!




Or even DRIVEWAYS!!!




ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 18, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES STROLLERS FOR ALLOWING BABIES TO NOT HAVE TO JUST SIT AND/OR LIE DOWN ALL THE TIME UNTIL JESUS BLESSES THEIR LEGS WITH HIS MAGICAL CAN OF SOAP AND FOR ENABLING BABIES TO SEE THE WORLD AND EVEN DRIVEWAYS!!!

DOTSON ALSO SALUTES BABIES FOR CONVINCING THEIR PARENTS THEY'RE INCAPABLE OF CHANGING THEIR OWN DIAPERS.

More power to ya, babies!! I wouldn't tell 'em about it, either. Why rock the boat, right????


Hey look--




SMURFS!!!



Chris Dotson

Monday, July 16, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Vern Fonk Insurance

It's time for a little FONK.

So girlfriend and I were in the town of Seattle last week, driving down a freeway and off to the side there was a strip mall and one of the storefronts read in big, huge letters:

VERN FONK INSURANCE

I pointed it out to girlfriend and said to her, "Vern Fonk is perhaps the greatest name I have ever heard. When we get back to the greatest city on earth (L.A., of course) I am going to salute Mr. Fonk."

And so that's what I'm doing.

Before we go any further, I want you to get a taste for the Fonk. This isn't your typical run-of-the-mill insurance company. It turns out this is the craziest insurance company ever known to man! Here is one of their zany TV commercials to show you what I'm talking about---







(Or you can watch it here.)

Okay, have you watched the commercial?

Good. Now, I just have one question---

WHAT the HELL was THAT??????


That was some weird-ass jive that you do not normally see in an insurance commercial. That sure as hell was not Dennis ("Don't call me 'Cerrano' from 'Major League' or I punch you in the face!") Haysbert standing in the middle of traffic saying "That's Allstate's stand." That was... what WAS that???




Here's another one of their commercials--

This one is a spoof of Steven Spielberg's cult hit "Napoleon Dolemite".







(Or watch it here.)


Now you might be wondering, who IS Vern Fonk?

Well, Vern Fonk looks like this---




And apparently he passed away in June of 2006. You can read his obituary here. As you might imagine, the obituary states that Vern Fonk "loved jokes."

After his passing, Fonk's daughter took over the company and I guess people asked her if she was going to continue to run those funny/bizarre/strange commercials and she said, "We've got more dumb ones coming your way, believe me." (She really did say that. Check out the obituary already if you don't believe me.)

I guess because he appears in so many Vern Fonk Insurance ads, people often think that actor Rob Thielke is actually Vern Fonk at first. I know I did!



Thielke has appeared in a slew of the Fonk spots, including many, many more funny and just downright weird commercials that can be viewed on the Vern Fonk Website.

So my advice is to go to the website and view all of the videos. Love them, cherish them, and name your first-born child after them.

That's my advice. It's not an order, it's just advice.

And next time you're in the Seattle area, remember to honk when you drive by Vern Fonk!!!



I know girlfriend and I will. We'll honk like 5 or 6 times at least. MAYBE EVEN 9!!!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 16, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES VERN FONK INSURANCE FOR HAVING THE GREATEST INSURANCE COMMERCIALS EVER MADE AND FOR GIVING DOTSON AND HIS GIRLFRIEND A REASON TO HONK NINE TIMES NEXT TIME THEY'RE IN THE SEATTLE AREA.

DOTSON ALSO SALUTES ROB THIELKE FOR BEING DOWNRIGHT WEIRD AND FOR CAUSING PEOPLE TO THINK THAT HE'S VERN FONK. DOTSON ALSO ALSO SALUTES THE REAL VERN FONK FOR LOVING JOKES, FOR HAVING AN AMAZING SENSE OF HUMOR AND FOR ACTUALLY MAKING INSURANCE FUN!


Did I just write that? "Making insurance fun"????

Vern Fonk was a miracle worker, man. A miracle worker.



Chris Dotson

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Dotson Salutes - The Year 1953



Have you ever met someone who was born in the year 1953?



If you have, odds are that they're pretty awesome.

I don't know what it was about 1953, but there was some magic in the air. I know God is supposed to be all objective and what not, but I bet that if you got a couple beers in him and asked him what his favorite year of all time was, God would say 1953.

And what a year it was!!

It was the end of the millenium. You had the Beatles on the radio. Pizza had just been invented!




And if you wanted high-speed internet access, it only cost a nickel per month!

A NICKEL!!!

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was in the White House, "The Breakfast Club" was in theaters,



and people could be as mean to animals as they wanted because everyone thought pets sucked back then! (And I'm not saying people BEAT their animals in 1953, I'm saying that they just insulted them a lot and would say things like, "Hey, Fido. Looks like you've been chubbin' it up lately. Would it KILL you to get some exercise?" or "Hey kitty, why don't you get your head out of your ass and get an education?")

There were several famous people born in that year, too.

Such as---

Chakra Khan



and


Paul Hogan




When interviewed by God recently for "Esquire Magazine", Paul Hogan reflected fondly on 1953. Here's what he had to say:

"Oh, man! 1953 frickin' ruled, man! I was zero, the Beatles were on the air, and I was stoned out of my gord, dude! I was constantly toking it up and hitting the bong. It was a great time to be in your zeroes, man. What a haze, dude. And the best part was you could smoke dope when and wherever you wanted, because in 1953 nobody even knew what pot was!!! It was an awesome time to be a baby, just an awesome time."

(Chakra Khan was also supposed to be interviewed for the "1953 article", but backed out at the last moment, insisting she was actually born in 1973. ---However, her Canadian passport says otherwise...)


Several other people were born in 1953, and most of them are still alive today, despite being in their 90s.

People born in 1953 are also credited with having first bred orange cats.




So next time you run into someone who was born in 1953, be sure to give them a big hug and tell them "The Dotman" (me) says "Sandwich, yo! Sandwich!"


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 14, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES 1953 FOR BEING GOD'S FAVORITE YEAR OF ALL-TIME, FOR BEING A YEAR WHEN INTERNET ACCESS WAS WICKED CHEAP, FOR BEING THE YEAR THAT CHAKRA KHAN AND PAUL HOGAN WERE BORN, FOR BEING A GREAT TIME TO SMOKE POT SINCE NO ONE KNEW WHAT IT WAS, AND FOR BEING THE YEAR THAT ORANGE CATS WERE FIRST BRED.


And in case you were wondering, here are the 2nd, 3rd, and 5th greatest years of all time.

2nd Best Year Ever - 1985

3rd Best Year Ever- 1954

5th Best Year Ever- 6


Chris Dotson

Friday, July 13, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Snoqualmie Falls



Have you ever been to Canada?



Well, before last week, I hadn't!!!

I hadn't even heard of the place. But apparently it's another country that's different from the United States.

Now, I know what you're thinking--- "WHAT??? There's other countries out there besides the United States???? Get the f*%k OUT!!!"

No, dude. I'm totally serious. There's other countries out there. There's like at least four or five others. And some of those countries the United States even BOMBS!! It's insane, yo!

But apparently Canada isn't one of the countries that the United States bombs. At least I didn't see any bombs while I was there. Of course, they might have been there. I wasn't really looking.

It's not like I'm SEAN frickin' PENN!!!



(Is that Sean Penn or Robin Williams? I can't tell.)


But this blog isn't about the other countries that exist that the United States may or may not be bombing.

This blog is about MONEY and POWER.

Or at the very least, it's about a shitload of water.

You know what this is?




That's right. It's a waterfall. They call it that because there's water and it falls.

This particular waterfall is called "Snoqualmie Falls", which is pronounced "Snoqualmie Falls."

Fans of the television show "Twin Peaks" will recognize this waterfall from the series. Because pretty much in every episode they showed this waterfall. That's why people will recognize it.



And if you aren't familiar with the TV show "Twin Peaks", I'll tell you what it was about.

See the sign in the above picture?

It was about that sign on the side of the road that read "Welcome to Twin Peaks" and the sign went around killing squirrels and handing out business cards to people even though they hadn't requested them.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??? A sign handing out business cards to people who DIDN'T EVEN WANT THEM????

It was groundbreaking television at the time.


The other thing about Snoqualmie Falls was that they were made SPECIFICALLY FOR the show "Twin Peaks." Straight up. They didn't even EXIST before the show.

What happened was that the guy who created the show "Twin Peaks" was named David Lynch and he demanded that a waterfall be built SPECIFICALLY for the show.

David Lynch looks like this--




So David Lynch was all like, "Yo, I needs me a damn waterfall pronto. I straight up demand it, sucka!!!"

And you know what happened?

THE TV STUDIO BUILT HIM A WATERFALL!!!

And you know WHY they did it?

Because David Lynch is a DIRECTOR and when you're a director, you can demand anything you want, (ANYTHING!!) and people just give it to you. It's awesome, man. I don't know why all of us aren't out there directing movies and TV shows.

Think of all the waterfalls we could create!

Anyway, so David Lynch demanded the waterfall and the studio said "okay" and even though it took 7 production assistants nearly 24 hours to build the falls and it was totally slapped together last-minute, I think the falls are amazing.

And that's why not only "Twin Peaks", but also Snoqualmie Falls, live on in our hearts and minds forever.

EVEN IN SEAN PENN'S HEARTS AND MINDS!!



(Is that Sean Penn or Robert DeNiro in "Jackie Brown"? I can't tell.)


And this is a picture of me at the Falls. I went there. They're not in Canada. They're in a city called "Watchingtun", which is right next to a Jiffy Lube.




Are we still in Cancer?? Are we STILL in Cancer???




ON THIS GREAT DAY, FRIDAY THE 13TH OF JULY, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES SNOQUALMIE FALLS FOR BEING A WATERFALL, FOR NOT BEING IN CANADA, FOR BEING IN THE SHOW "TWIN PEAKS" LIKE ALL THE TIME, FOR BEING DEMANDED INTO EXISTENCE BY DAVID LYNCH, FOR HAVING BEEN BUILT BY 7 PRODUCTION ASSISTANTS IN 24 HOURS, AND FOR LIVING ON IN THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF SEAN PENN.


DAMN, I wish I had a burrito right now!!


You know?


Chris Dotson