Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Alter-egos

Do you know what an alter-ego is?

It means there's a crazy S.O.B. living in your body and you have to give birth to the bastard out in the physical world or else all that crap the S.O.B. says in your head swirls around in your system and jams you up something fierce and then you go on a rampage and either harm a bunch of innocent rabbits and/or eat way too many donuts.

At least, that's Webster's definition of alter-ego.


Many people have had alter-egos over the years--


David Bowie had Ziggy Stardust.




Garth Brooks had Chris Gaines.




And Courtney Love has herself.




I've written before that I have an alter-ego called The Dotman.

The Dotman looks like this---




I had kept The Dotman locked away for quite some time. (And for very good reason. The Dotman is weird, dude!)

But recently, thanks to a moronic (albeit, rather attractive) mediator by the name of Doug,



The Dotman has been given clearance to live his own life and pursue his inane brand of comedy.


The Dotman even started his own MySpace Page on Sunday. (DO NOT be his friend. The Dotman is a whore.) He says the world needs to know about his "genius comedy" or something like that.

And even though he only started his page 2 days ago, The Dotman already has 326 friends. He's been rubbing it in, too. He says that I've been on MySpace since 2004, but I only have 338 friends. I told The Dotman this isn't some kind of competition and besides, have you SEEN the people on The Dotman's page??

He's adding people like Tommy Lee and The Suicide Girls! He doesn't even KNOW those people! And you know how there are the real slutty porno-looking chicks who spam people to be their friend? Well, The Dotman adds them, too! Talk about Smut Central!!

The Dotman says he's going to have over 2,000 MySpace "friends" by the end of this year. I guess it's nice to have goals, but personally I'm not sure I'd want to be The Dotman's friend. I only accepted his friend request because Doug (see above picture) said I had to or else The Dotman can sue me or something.

But whatev. At least The Dotman has his own outlet to do his Dotman thing. Maybe he'll leave me alone finally.

I doubt he will, though.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 21, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES ALTER-EGOS FOR BEING CRAZY S.O.B.S THAT YOU HAVE TO GIVE BIRTH TO SO YOU DON'T HARM RABBITS AND/OR EAT WAY TOO MANY DONUTS, FOR BEING RAVENOUS "FRIEND-ADDERS" ON MYSPACE, FOR BEING OBNOXIOUS IN GENERAL, AND FOR HOPEFULLY LEAVING ME ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.


What do they call it if your alter-ego has an alter-ego?


I smell a joke coming on... Damn you, Dotman!!!!!



Chris Dotson

The Dotman's Dumb-Ass Joke of the Day

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Little Balloons on Sticks

So I'm hanging out at my Scorpio filmmaker friend's place today and we're shooting this little film that involves fake penises he made out of gelatin (Typical Monday for Dotson) and then we go back inside and he tells me that he's got all this bamboo he needs to unload!

The bamboo looks like this---



What happened was, a couple weeks ago, my filmmaker friend and this Capricorn photographer chick got married and they had a wedding. I went to the wedding. It was awesome. And at every table at the wedding, there was a bamboo arrangement, like the one in the above photo. Well, when the wedding was over, they didn't want to throw all that bamboo away, so they brought it home.

But now the bamboo is taking over their lives!

So they gave me a bamboo and I said "thanks" and then I went and got two slices of cheese pizza and a small Sprite for lunch.

While driving home, I remembered that tonight is the night I go to the retirement home and play poker with seniors. And I remembered that one of the seniors, named Mac, has a birthday this Friday.

So I thought to myself, "I'll give the bamboo to Mac!"

I don't have a picture of Mac to post on the blog, but I know that he's turning 91, so what I did was I googled "91 year old" on the world's wide web and got this picture:




This is a photo of a 91 year-old woman named "Hannah." Mac looks similar except that he is male, he's black, he wears a baseball hat and he often has a toothpick in his mouth. But otherwise the similarities are eerie.


So I went home and was looking at the bamboo, thinking what a great gift it's gonna make for Mac, and then I thought I could jazz it up a bit. And the idea popped in my head that what this bamboo needed was one of those little balloons on a stick that the florists put in flowers!



TOTALLY!

I knew it would be easy to find this balloon on a stick, so I ambled (Yes, I AMBLED for the first time in AGES!!!) down to the grocery store to pick one up.

Thing was, the grocery store had balloons on sticks, but they were kinda big and they would have dwarfed the bamboo.

Fortunately there was a florist in the strip mall next to the grocery store. I'd never been in there before, but I figured they'd have the balloons. So I walked over there (didn't amble this time), only to find that they were out of business!!!

Those poor bastards! That sucks to go out of business. I actually felt compelled to sell the out-of-business florists flowers. But I didn't know where to send them, and I didn't know if they'd accept the flowers without a balloon.

All of a sudden, I was on a MISSION to find a little balloon on a stick. So I hopped in my car and this time drove to a nearby pharmacy. Struck out again. Then I walked to the grocery store across the street. Again, nuthin'.

Got back in the car and continued down Sunset and found a florist! Awesome. They'd totally have little balloons!

Nope. They didn't have them, either. I almost broke down in front of the florist who was such a sweet lady. I told her what I'd been going through over the past 107 minutes. She totally empathized with my situation and told me these balloons "just aren't as popular as they used to be."

NOT AS "POPULAR"??? WHAT THE F*&K KIND OF COUNTRY DO WE LIVE IN?


THIS IS AMERICA????? THE RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, AND YET A YOUNG WHITE MALE IN GOOD HEALTH CAN'T GO OUT AND EASILY FIND A LITTLE BALLOON ON A STICK TO GIVE TO A MAN TURNING 91 ON THURSDAY???


MY F$%KING ASS!!!


WAY TO GO, GEORGE BUSH! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!!!!


ALL YOU A-HOLE POLITICIANS NEED TO STOP DICKING AROUND AND WAKE THE HELL UP!!!


I'M TELLING MICHAEL MOORE!!!!!!


AND I'M GOING TO START AN EMAIL PETITION!!! JUST WATCH ME!!! I'M GONNA PETIT ALL OF YOU BASTARDS!!!


Okay, I've calmed down. It's perfectly okay to rant during Leo, though. In fact, it's encouraged!

:)


Anyway, so after delivering the bad news to me, the florist did suggest I try Longs Pharmacy.

Longs Pharmacy!! I was thinking about going there, anyway. Plus, I know they have one-hour validated parking.

Things were definitely looking up!

I got over to Longs and went right for the card aisle and found... NO balloons on sticks.

I fell to my knees and sobbed hysterically for what I'm told was roughly 20 minutes (Again, typical Monday for Dotson.)

Then the security guard lifted me up and suggested I just purchase a little bow to put on the bamboo.

I decided this was a lovely idea.

So I bought a red bow and now the bamboo looks like this---




Mac sure as shit better like his gift.



ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 14, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES LITTLE BALLOONS ON STICKS FOR BEING INSANELY DIFFICULT TO FIND IN LOS ANGELES, FOR MAKING DOTSON SOB FOR WHAT HE IS TOLD WAS 20 MINUTES, FOR INSPIRING DOTSON TO TAKE A STAND AND PETIT HIS COUNTRY'S POLITICIANS WITH AN EMAIL PETITION, AND FOR NOT BEING ALL THAT INTERESTING, BECAUSE I NEVER REALLY LIKED THEM ANYWAY. I WAS JUST PRETENDING TO LIKE THEM. WHATEVER. LITTLE BALLOONS ON STICKS. LIKE THEY'RE ALL THAT. I DON'T NEED NO BALLOON ON A STICK TO CELEBRATE A BIRTHDAY PROPERLY. WE CAN HAVE ALL KINDS OF GREAT BIRTHDAY PARTIES AND NOT NEED ONE DAMN BALLOON ON A STICK. BALLOONS ON STICKS ARE STUPID. THEY'RE SILLY. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER BUY A BALLOON ON A STICK? WHAT A RIP-OFF. AND THEY DEFLATE LIKE SUPER FAST AND THEN THEY HAVE TO BE THROWN OUT. AND THEY'RE TERRIBLE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT, JUST TERRIBLE.

Okay, I'm over it. I think.

I'm not even going to post The Dotman's "Joke of the Day" today because it's nowhere near being funny. I can't believe the internet hasn't banned that jerk yet. They will, though. Mark my words.

BUT, I will post David Lynch's DAILY WEATHER REPORT!!!

Go to the Lynch Website and then click on "Daily Weather Report" in the bottom right corner. It takes a minute to load, but it's worth the wait. And then decide for yourself whether David Lynch does a better David Lynch or if The Dot does a better David Lynch.


A-HOLE STICK BALLOONS!!!!




Chris Dotson

Monday, August 6, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Lee Elia

Aaaah, Leo.



Perhaps the greatest Astrological sign ever invented. And we have the good fortune of being in Leo for the next 17 days, so live it up!

As I've mentioned in previous blogs, Leos are skilled at a number of things.

Such as---

Making donuts,




Providing shade for wild goats with their Hummers,




Partying in their swim trunks,




And -perhaps most famously- Leos are skilled at THROWING TANTRUMS!!!




I was reading up on Leos today and one website described Leos as having an "excessive hastiness of temper." I think that sums it up pretty well.




So--- what does all this stuff about Leos have to do with Lee Elia?

Well, Lee Elia is most famous for once having thrown a fantastic tantrum. And since we're in Leo and this dude has a temper, I just figured there's a theme there.

Know what I'm saying?

So check it out---

In 1983 when the tantrum went down, Lee Elia looked like this--




I'm not entirely sure what precipitated his tirade, but it was something like his team the Chicago Cubs (who he was managing at the time) were sucking it up pretty bad. They were sucking it up to the tune of a 5-14 record, which in any sport is pretty awful. And I think what happened is that the Cubs got their butts kicked at home and their own fans started booing them and Lee Elia thought that was pretty lame for the hometown fans to boo their own team.

And that's when Lee Elia got in touch with his inner-Leo and went NUTS!!!

The rest is history. There is no video of the tirade, just audio. But some dude took the audio and put a picture montage to it and you can watch it on YouTube right here--








Lee Elia also has a MySpace Page, which features an mp3 of the tantrum that you can add to your MySpace Page for FREE!!! FOR FREE!!!

For those of you wondering where Lee Elia is today, well according to the world's wide web, he is the bench coach for a baseball team known as the Baltimore Orioles.



I don't know how one goes about "coaching" a bench, but if there's one person out there who I know can get an inanimate object fired up, that person would be Lee Elia!!!

And that be the way it is.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 6, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES LEE ELIA FOR THROWING THE GREATEST SPORTS TIRADE OFF ALL-TIME, FOR TELLING THE 1983 CHICAGO CUBS FANS THAT THEY CAN KISS HIS ASS "RIGHT DOWNTOWN", FOR STICKING UP FOR HIS PLAYERS, FOR DISPLAYING "EXCESSIVE HASTINESS OF TEMPER" THAT WOULD MAKE ANY LEO PROUD, FOR HAVING A MYSPACE PAGE, AND FOR COACHING BENCHES ALL OVER BALTIMORE!!!


Oh, I'm sorry, did somebody say they wanted me to post today's "The Dotman's Hopelessly Misguided Joke of the Day"? Well, okay, but just this once...








Chris Dotson

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Dotson Salutes - "All-You-Can-Eat" Dodgers Games

Considering the number of Minneapolis-related folks who read this blog, it would be odd for The Dot to not acknowledge the bridge collapse yesterday. Like most people I feel pretty helpless right now and can only hope and pray for the families that lost loved ones and hope that everyone who was injured recovers fully.

I can't do more than provide a distraction from the sadness with my silly blog, so if you're reading this then you probably came here for a distraction in the first place. If you're not up for some levity today then the Dot wholly understands. Come back whenever you want. I'll be here. (And so will "The Dotman"--- that S.O.B.)


I have a feeling this could be a long blog entry, so be prepared, or just stop reading now and use the time constructively by making yourself a microwave tamale.



THOSE THINGS ARE DELICIOUS!!!!


Last night I went to a Dodgers game with my Taurus contractor buddy.

Dodgers games look like this---




But this wasn't no ordinary Dodgers game, my man. The GIANTS were in town. See, the Dodgers don't get along very well with the Giants. In fact, they're arch rivals and don't see eye-to-eye on anything and don't ever meet the other party half way on anything.

They're kind of like Democrats and Republicans!

So these two teams don't like each other. So there's that. Then there's this other thing.

There's this baseball player on the Giants named Gary Bonds.

Gary Bonds looks like this---



In addition to pointing to the sky with both hands whenever he sees an airplane and shouting out "Ao-plane" like a toddler, Gary Bonds is closing in on becoming the All-time home run king! He only needs 1 home run to tie the record and 2 to break it!!

That means he's about to hit more home runs than any baseball player ever!!!!

More than Babe Ruth, more than Hank Aaron, and more than Michael Jordan!!

That's pretty select company.

And the other thing is, when he hits that home run into the stands, whoever catches it can sell it for millions of dollars on eBay or something.

So my friend and I went to this game not only to see the Dodgers win, but hopefully to catch the Barry Bonds home run ball that would tie the record, and if he were to hit a second home run, to catch that one as well because it would be worth even more money!

Our tickets were in the right field section of Dodger Stadium. But the right field at Dodger Stadium isn't like other stadiums. Because at Dodger Stadium, if you sit in right field, you can eat ALL THE FOOD YOU WANT FOR FREE!!



Say what????

Straight up, yo. Would The Dot lie to you?

Here's the article about All-You-Can-Eat Dodger Games right here.

So me and my friend got to the game 1 hour early just in case they were going to run out of food or something. We stocked up, yo!

Here's what I ate--

1 Dodger Dog
1 Diet Coke
1 Popcorn
1 Peanuts
1 Nachos
2 bottles of water
1 Ice Cream Cup

I could tell you what my Taurus contractor friend ate, but I don't think he'd want me to. It's not like he ate an embarrassingly large amount of food or anything, it's just... okay, yeah, he ate loads of food. But he's a Taurus, and Tauruses devour, so considering his Astrological Orientation, my friend showed quite a bit of restraint so I salute him for that.

Anyway, Gary Bonds didn't hit any home runs last night and I have to say I'm kind of glad he didn't. The anticipation every time he came up to the plate was crazy!! It was like being at Game 7 of the World Series or at Pink's Hot Dogs at lunch time on a Saturday!



Whenever Bonds came to the plate, people would get up from their seats and walk down closer to where me and my Taurus contractor friend were sitting and crowd around us and start pounding their baseball mitts that they brought to the game in hopes of catching the Bonds homerun ball. To some of these people, catching that ball was their retirement plan! You could tell they really wanted that damn thing and were going to scratch and claw and beat up anyone who got anywhere near it.

But like I said, fortunately Bonds didn't homer and we didn't have to deal with that insanity.

But we did get to eat A LOT of food!!!

And we got to see several fans get kicked out over the course of the game, because many Dodgers fans and Giants fans became unruly from time to time and threw things at one another and shouted curses.

It's too bad for the angry Dodgers fans who got kicked out because the Dodgers rallied in the bottom of the 8th inning on a home run by Norman Garciaparra (who apparently saw an "ao-plane" himself) and ended up winning the game!!!



It was awesome.


And not only that, but my Taurus contractor buddy bought a Dodgers baseball hat from a homeless guy prior to the game for only $10 and at the end of the game, my friend he decided he wanted me to have it instead, so he GAVE it to me for FREE!!!



That's what I'm talkin' about!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 2, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES "ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT" DODGERS GAMES FOR ALLOWING PEOPLE IN RIGHT FIELD TO STUFF THEIR FACES WITH TERRIBLE FOOD FOR FREE, FOR NOT HAVING GARY BONDS HIT A HOME RUN AND THEREFORE SPARING DOTSON THE POSSIBILITY OF BEING TRAMPLED BY A CRAZY FAN, FOR KICKING SEVERAL FANS OUT OVER THE COURSE OF THE GAME SO THAT THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING FUN TO WATCH EVEN BETWEEN INNINGS, AND FOR PROVIDING DOTSON WITH A FREE DODGERS HAT!!!


Did I mention that the fastener on the Dodgers hat is velcro???




JEALOUS???

(It's okay if you are. It's a natural response.)


Also, as part of my mediation agreement between Doug and The Dotman, I have to promote The Dotman's "Joke of the Day" for at least a week. So here's the Dotman's hopelessly misguided joke of the day for today.







If for some strange reason you want to receive these jokes everyday, just sign up for the Dotman's videos and you'll get an email whenever his latest misguided joke is ready. And if you do sign up for his videos, then God help you.


Also, happy birthday to my Leo sister!!!!!


Chris Dotson

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Hopelessly Misguided Jokes

There goes the neighborhood.


So my Party-lovin', architecture-designing Leo buddy recently moved back to LA the other day and he lent me a comedy CD of probably my favorite comedian of all-time.

His name was Mitch Hedberg. Words can't begin to describe the style of M.H.'s comedy, so it's best to just view the comedy first-hand, like on a YouTube video when M.H. was on The David Letterson show.



(BTW, if y'all ever have trouble watching these videos, try viewing my blog with a different browser, especially one that is not Safari.)

So I'm hiking in the canyon this morning and listening to the M.H. CD and loving life and it dawns on me that in a former lifetime, I was a stand-up comedian myself!

Straight up! I was a stand-up for over 11 months! I won this comedy contest back in Minnesota 7 years ago and everything. But then I stopped doing stand-up because I have to say I just wasn't enjoying myself. And Dotson doesn't like doing stuff he doesn't enjoy.

But recently, I was thinking about doing some stand-up again, but it's not actually "me" who wants to do it, it's my "other" who is known as "The Dotman."

You see, I have Moon in Gemini, which basically means that I am fucked in the head. And if you know about Gemini just a little bit, then you probably know that they are "The Twins" of the zodiac and that they are known for duality.

Now I don't know what a big fancy word like "duality" means, but I do know what the word "dual" means.

A dual is when one dude slaps another dude with a white glove



and then the two dudes put on backwards baseball hats and try to stab each other with bats.



That's a dual. So a dual is like a struggle, right?

Well, Geminis have that struggle going on inside their body. It's an "eternal" struggle, because it's inside and you can't see it.

And I've got one of those eternal struggles myself, between "Me" (AKA "Chris", AKA "Chris Dotson", AKA "Dotson") and "The Dotman."

See "me" Chris is all nice and stuff and from Minnesota and likes cheese and not spending too much when he goes out to eat.

But then there's The Dotman who is just crazy, yo. It was his idea to move to LA in the first place, and he has all these weird thoughts and visions and listens to ABBA CDs and trips little kids. Especially 5 year-olds. The Dotman LOVES tripping 5 year-olds.

And lately The Dotman has been demanding that he be allowed to do comedy. Thing is, The Dotman is NOT FUNNY AT ALL! His comedy is hopelessly misguided.

But the S.O.B. won't shut up. So what I did was a got a mediator to mediate between me and The Dotman

The mediator's name was Doug and he looked like this---




And after seconds and seconds of mediation, Doug said that the Dotman can be allowed to do comedy, but it has to be via a QuickTime Movie, and he can only do one joke a day.

Fine.

But if you choose to watch this video, you will see that even one joke a day from The Dotman is too much.

Check out this video: The Dotmans' Hopelessly Misguided Joke of the Day



Add to My Profile | More Videos


Oy, that was painful. But what can I do? The Dotman won't take 'no' for an answer and Doug says he gets to tell one joke a day. I'll make it through. I think.

And to those of you who can no longer be my friend because of the Dotman's antics, I understand in advance. The universe is constantly changing and nothing stays the same. I mean, heck, I'm going to die someday anyway and it's not like I can take all you adorable, cuddly people with me, so if we need to break off the friendship now, then I can be okay with that. God will provide me new friends anyway. Sure, most of them will probably do drugs and eat their own feces, but a friend's a friend.

Just know that I love all of you and I love maple syrup.


Effin' Dotman!!!! Ruining my friendships and making me hang out with people who eat feces!!!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 1, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES THE DOTMAN'S HOPELESSLY MISGUIDED JOKES FOR ALIENATING DOTSON FROM HIS FRIENDS, FOR PISSING PEOPLE OFF WHO DOTSON DOESN'T EVEN KNOW AND WHO WILL NO DOUBT BLAME DOTSON FOR MAKING THE JOKES EVEN THOUGH IT WAS REALLY THE DOTMAN WHO MADE THEM AND IT'S NOT DOTSON'S FAULT THAT HE HAS MOON IN GEMINI AND THEREFORE CAN'T AVOID HAVING AN ETERNAL STRUGGLE OF DUEALITY, BUT WHATEVER.


I wonder what Doug looks like naked...

I wonder if Doug wonders what I look like naked...


Chris Dotson