Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dotson Salutes - 19 Lb. Cats

Have you ever seen a 19-pound cat?


LIAR!!!!


Sorry about that. I just ate an ass load of plantains, and that always tends to make me a little wacky.



Check it out-- girlfriend recently agreed to cat-sit for this friend of a friend and this chick owns two cats. One of the cats is totally normal and the other cat is 19 POUNDS! I'm telling you, that's massive!

This is a picture of the 19-pound cat. And to be honest, this picture doesn't really do him justice. You see this cat in a photo, you're all like "Big deal! Whatever!" But if you see this cat in person, you'd be all like "Wow! Big!"




From what I understand, the cat's name is Biscuit. But I prefer to call him "Milford", because I feel that's a more appropriate name for him.

And when I'm not calling him Milford, I can be found calling him "Impatient Chubbers."

I call him Impatient Chubbers because whenever I come over, he immediately goes to the cupboard where his owners keep the cat food, and starts meowing like an S.O.B.

Here's a picture of Impatient Chubbers next to the cupboard---



And still other times when I'm not calling Biscuit either Milford OR Impatient Chubbers, I call him Ken.


You might be wondering why I'm spending so much time with Ken since it's girlfriend who's supposed to be cat-sitting. Well, girlfriend got called out of town on "business", so that means I'm taking care of Impatient Chubbers all by myself for the next 3 days!!!

Per Ken's mother's instructions, it's okay to give him treats, but we're supposed to make him "run a little for his treat." I guess that's their way of getting Ken at least a little exercise. So, in order to get him to run, I throw the treat down the hall and he chases after it.

Here's a picture of Ken running after his treat right now---



And after Impatient Chubbers has eaten his food and run for his treats, he likes to lie on his back. Here's what Ken looks like when he's all sprawled out.




The other kitty is Ken's sister and her name is "Honey Lamb" or something. Apparently I deamed her "non-photo-worthy" because I didn't take any pictures of her. She's pretty cool, though. Wouldn't kick HER out of bed!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, DOTSON SALUTES 19-POUND CATS FOR BEING MASSIVE, FOR BEING MORE IMPRESSIVE IN PERSON THAN IN A PHOTO, FOR BEING IMPATIENT ABOUT GETTING FOOD, FOR HAVING TO RUN DOWN A HALL FOR THEIR TREATS, AND FOR LYING ON THEIR BACK AFTER ALL THAT EATING AND WHAT NOT.


I showed Impatient Chubbers my Libra blog from yesterday and he called it "witty" and "insightful."

He also called it a "tour de force."

The other cat called the Libra blog "a triumph."


They're great cats, just great f@#king cats.


Chris Dotson

Click here for free terrible jokes!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Libras

WHAT UP, SUCKAS!!!!!


Now, if you just read the above line and immediately started thinking things like:

"Who is he calling 'Sucka'"? "Does he think I'm some kind of 'Sucka'?"" "Wait, AM I a Sucka?" "How does he know I'm a Sucka?" "What will people think about me if they find out I'm a Sucka?" "Maybe this Sucka thing will be GOOD for me!" "I really don't think he should be calling anyone a Sucka before first finding out if they indeed are a Sucka." "There should be a law about calling people Suckas." "I'm going to go make one." "That Dotson is a bad person for just assuming I'm a Sucka without first asking me." "Dotson sucks. I don't think I'm going to read his blog anymore. And I'm going to email everyone I know and tell them not to read his blog either."


Did any or all of those thoughts race through your head just now?

If they did, then CONGRATULATIONS! You might be a LIBRA!!!




How else can you tell if someone is a Libra?

SIMPLE!

All Libras wear CAPES!!





Why do all Libras wear capes? Because they all fancy themselves superheroes! You see, Libras are obsessed with justice. OBSESSED with it!!! And if a Libra perceives an injustice, then LOOK OUT because somebody is going to PAY!



(Libras HEART revenge. And coincidentally enough, they also invented Heads on Sticks.)



Try explaining to a Libra that the universe is objective. Try explaining to a Libra that God is detached and that the world is perfect just as it is.

A Libra will have NO IDEA what the hell you are talking about! Libras can't imagine any kind of a world where there aren't judges or courts or politicians or surveys that will pay you for your opinion.

(That reminds me, Libras LOVE opinions. And I bet you $3 that within our lifetime, Libras will have invented a way to have sex with opinions. That's how much they love them!)



Libras tend to travel in packs. Without getting too deep into Astrology speak, the sun has it's fall (or "detriment") or something in Libra, and because of that, Libras lack a certain amount of "self" that you would generally find in a sign like a Leo or an Aries.

What does all of that mean?

It means Libras HATE going anywhere by themselves. There is nothing more terrifying to a Libra then to agree to meet a friend for lunch, arrive on time, and then have to wait 20 MINUTES until their late friend arrives. Libras do not like being alone, especially in a public place. And the thought of going to a party where they don't know ANYONE? That's the perfect recipe for a Libra horror movie.

This is a Libra dog--



You know what Libras like even less than going somewhere by themselves?

Confrontation!!!

There's a scene from the old TV show "Back to the Future" where the George McFly character tells Jamie Foxx, "I know what you're going to say, son. And you're right! You're right! But I'm just not good with confrontation."



Fortunately for Libras, though, we now have the internet, so Libras can rage via email and message boards about this, that, and the other thing! And they can swear and use CAPITAL LETTERS and everything. It's really a great anger outlet for Libras. Because back in the day, a Libra would have had to confront someone face-to-face, and when it comes to talking to someone face-to face, most Libras say--

"FUCK THAT!!!"

Libras would much rather gossip behind your back.

And that's not to say there's anything wrong with being great at gossip. That's a Libra's gift! Why should they deny themselves such a great gift??

So gossip it up, Libra! And keep cranking out those nasty emails!

And if you're not going to do it for me, then do it for perhaps the famousest Libra of all-time, former Rolling Stones frontman,

JOHN LEMON!!




ON THIS GREAT DAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES LIBRAS FOR WEARING CAPES, FOR HEARTING REVENGE, FOR INVENTING HEADS ON STICKS, FOR TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO HAVE SEX WITH THEIR OPINIONS, FOR HATING GOING ANYWHERE BY THEMSELVES, FOR BEING GREAT AT GOSSIP, AND FOR SENDING INCREDIBLY VICIOUS EMAILS.

I don't think this guy is a Libra-- I just like the picture.




And for the record my sensitive Libras, Dotson loves you very much and in a perfect world, I would spoon you all!





One more Libra picture for the road---




Chris Dotson


Just the dumbest jokes you've ever heard.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Dotson Salutes - The Number One Best Selling Phone of All Time!

I went to this awesome store today called Kmart!

Kmart is kind of like a Target, but people who shop at Kmart are more likely to smoke cigarettes and/or eat fruit without first washing it.

The reason I went to Kmart is because I needed a new phone. Technically my current phone is just fine, but it's a cordless, and the frequency it runs on is similar to the one my airport uses, so sometimes when I'm on my cordless phone, I get a loud buzzing sound. I've tried adjusting the frequencies many times, but nothing ever worked. So I decided to resolve the problem by just getting a phone WITH a cord!


The phone looks like this---



And you know how much it was??

$9.99!

That's it!

They're practically giving the damn things away! And I had my choice of colors between black, white, and tan!

When I got home and opened up the phone, I flipped it over and I saw that the phone I bought is the "Number One Best Selling Phone of All Time"!




That means I'm a part of history!

If it wasn't for all of us Kmart shoppers buying up all these $9.99 phones over the years, the At & T Trimline® Telephone might only be the "Number Two Best Selling Phone of All Time" or "The Number One Second Best Selling Phone of All Time!"

But thanks to us, this phone is number one on the charts, number one in our hearts, and most importantly...

NUMBER ONE IN MY PANTS!!!


And that's where the phone is right now. It's in my pants.

Best $9.99 I ever spent!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, DOTSON SALUTES THE NUMBER ONE BEST SELLING PHONE OF ALL TIME FOR SELLING MORE THAN THE NUMBER TWO BEST SELLING PHONE OF ALL TIME, FOR NOT HAVING WEIRD STATIC BECAUSE OF MY AIRPORT, FOR COMING IN THREE DIFFERENT COLORS, AND FOR FITTING SO PERFECTLY INTO MY PANTS.

Tomorrow (or very late tonight) I will be posting the latest "David Lynch Problem Solver" video. It's already the 3rd one!

And tomorrow on YouTube, The Dotman is going to unveil his Vince Vaughn impersonation. The Dotman's been talking about this one for weeks now. Hopefully it will suck a little less than the majority of his jokes. But it will still most likely suck considerably.


Chris Dotson


Dotman's Lame-Ass Joke O' the Mother-effin' Day

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Dotson Salutes - The Dotman (Reluctantly.)

Oy.

I know I haven't blogged in a while and I'd like to thank the one of you who wrote me to make sure everything was okay.

Don't worry. Everything is fine. It's just the effin' Dotman has more or less taken over my life and most of my creative energy is going towards his lame-ass "Joke of the Day."

The Dotman now has over 1,000 MySpace friends and constantly emails me to give me grief over it. He even calls me in the middle of the night on my land line, knowing full well I'll be sleeping! What a punk.

And even though he has over 1,000 "friends", he doesn't know these people and half of them look like hookers anyway. I could go around adding people all whilly-nilly if I wanted to, but I know better than that. My mom taught 2nd grade for 37 years!

So anyway, if you're looking for some Chris Dotson action, for the time being just check out The Dotman's Hopelessly Misguided Joke of the Day every Monday through Friday at www.youtube.com/dotman76

In other news, those jerk cheerleaders at Hollywood High who extorted $5 from me for their fake car wash left me a message the other day only to tell me that they STILL hadn't found a new venue for their car wash and that they would call me back. But they didn't leave a phone number in case I wanted to call THEM back. So my life hangs in limbo. That is some jive! My advice to you is that if any teenager posing as a cheerleader from Hollywood High asks you to let them wash your car for you, then tell them they have to do it that very second and that you aren't going to just buy a voucher and then go to a Taco Bell parking lot later in the week only to find out that the car wash is canceled. Tell them that just like Homey D. Clown, YOU DON'T PLAY THAT!!!

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ON THIS GREAT DAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2007, DOTSON RELUCTANTLY SALUTES THE DOTMAN FOR HAVING OVER 1,000 MYSPACE FRIENDS (THE VAST MAJORITY OF WHICH THE DOTMAN DOESN'T KNOW AND WHO LOOK LIKE PROSTITUTES, ALBEIT VERY HIGH-CLASS PROSTITUTES, THE KIND THAT WOULD COST QUITE A BIT OF MONEY, MAYBE EVEN MORE THAN A NEW MAZDA3 5-DOOR.) THE DOTMAN ALSO SALUTES HOMEY D. CLOWN FOR NOT PLAYING THAT.


If you want to catch Chris Dotson on "Days of our Lives" playing "Reporter 2", tune into "Days" next Monday, September 10. Dotson has one line, and depending on how they filmed the scene, you might just see the back of his head. Dotson should appear within the first 15 minutes of the show.

This is my 3rd time on "Days of our Lives." THE THIRD TIME!!!!!!


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Dumb-ass Joke of the Day