Monday, October 29, 2007

Dotson Salutes - The 2007 Boston Ed Sox

The Boston Red Sox won the World Series last night.

When a team wins the World Series, what happens is that that team then runs onto the baseball field in front of a bunch of people in a crowded stadium and proceeds to have an orgy.

Here's a picture of last night's orgy.




Let's note a couple things about this picture.

1. Every baseball orgy involves a pitcher and a catcher. (Nothing homoerotic about that!) When the final out is recorded, the catcher (the guy wearing the red knee pads) jumps into the pitcher's arms. You never ever see a pitcher jumping into a catcher's arms. I don't know why that is. I'm sure a baseball historian could give me a proper answer.

2. Once the catcher is securely in the pitcher's arms, the rest of the team gathers around the loving couple and rubs their arms all over each other's bodies.

3. Invariably, someone on the winning team has an Asian fetish, so the team dresses up an Asian man in the team's uniform and sends him out on the field to participate in the orgy. The "designated Asian" in this orgy can be found on the far right of the above picture.

Sadly, most sports orgies don't go past 1st base (no pun intended) and you rarely see any of the players "whip it out" on the field. Of course, whatever takes place off the field or on the plane trip back home is anyone's guess.


Conversely, if you lose the World Series (as the Colorado Rockies did last night), then it is your responsibility to sit in the dugout and look sad and dejected.



However, you also have the option of watching the other team have their orgy and a lot of players on losing teams find that highly erotic, as evidenced by some "more than a little curious" Rockies players in the photo below. In other words, LOSING the World Series can have it's upside as well. -- Provided you're a sexual deviant.




But there's more to the World Series than orgies, Asian fetishes, and sexual deviance!

There are also interviews!

(**Before we get to the interviews, it should be noted that the people of Boston do not know how to pronounce the letter "R."



While the rest of the United States uses a 26-letter alphabet, Bostonians cling to a 25-letter alphabet as a means of communication. Where this 25-letter alphabet came from is anyone's guess, but if the University of Harvard doesn't see anything wrong with it (or "The Univesity of Havad" as it's known in Boston), then it can't be all that bad. ----But my point is, in some of these interviews, the Boston players will be difficult to understand, so just drop an "R" into any word that looks like it could use one.)


The Red Sox not only beat the Colorado Rockies in the World Series, they won 4 games to none! That's called a sweep!

Here's what Red Sox Manager Terry Francona had to say about that:



"We knew coming into this seies that the Coloado Ockies wee a bunch of fags. That's what I told the guys. I told them if we even lose ONE game to these faiies, I DON'T CAE if we go on to win the whole damn seies, thee will be NO CELEBATOY OGY! And I guess ou boys eally wanted that ogy because they went in thee and whooped thei asses. That's a testament to the spiit of this team, and a testament to this team's honiness."

Colorado Manager Clint Hurdle's comments focused less on his team's sex drive, and more on Boston's liberal use of the English language.



"Did we underestimate the Red Sox? Yeah, I guess we did. But who wouldn't underestimate a team that only uses 96% of the alphabet?"


Boston's own Manny Ramirez, (back row, 3rd from left), also was initially confused by his teammates' hybrid language.



"I am originally from the Dominican Republic. We pronounce our "Rs" there. We even roll the Rs with our tongues. That's how important they are to us! But my teammates not only don't roll their Rs, they don't even PRONOUNCE them. I don't know why this is. Perhaps it is because Jesus Christ is not as popular in this country as he once was."

Ramirez went on to pontificate about Christianity for nearly an hour before concluding with:

"Yeah, my teammates weird me out. And I can't understand most of what they're saying since they only use the 25-letter alphabet. So what I do now is that if one of them starts talking to me, I slowly start to walk away from them and then look back over my right shoulder and just kind of wave to them as if to say 'You are doing a good job and I believe in you as a person.' But if they insist on coming closer to me, that is the point where I bite."




Colorado Outfielder Matt Holiday, who batted well over .300 in the series thought the Rockies World Series appearance was a hoax.



"Clint (Clint Hurdle, the Rockies Manager) got all of us Rockies in the locker room and was like, 'Listen up! We're going to the World Series' and I'm all like, no we're fucking not, Clint. We suck. Look at our uniforms! There's PURPLE in them. How the hell are we going to win a World Series wearing purple uniforms? Whatever, dude. But Clint was so insistent, and then Fox broadcasted the games like they were real, so I was all like 'Whatever, I guess I'll play, but I know someone's pulling the wool over my eyes."

Holliday played incredibly well for the Rockies in the four games, despite insisting that Colorado's appearance in the World Series was "the greatest practical joke anyone has ever played on me" and maintaining that somebody was "totally effing" with him and that he suspected that person to be "my cousin Brian, because he is sick!"


(Picture of Holliday's cousin Brian)


Boston's Jonathan Papelbon, who was the pitcher at the heart of last night's Red Sox orgy was just happy to be able to get back to his normal life.



"Yeah, it's cool to win championships and have ogies with you teammates and whateer, but basically I'm just looking fowad to getting loaded at dive bas in and aound the Boston aea and talking about how awesome fiefightes ae."




Colorado's Todd Helton,



known for his incredibly bad posture, echoed Papelbon's sentiments that the baseball season had kind of run it's course, noting he couldn't wait to get home to "bone" his wife, and make sure that nobody stole any of his Little Red Riding stamps from Germany, "because those things cost me a fucking fortune," said Helton.




The only other highlight from last night's festivities was that as the winning team, the Boston Red Sox got to have a special viewing of Fox analyst Tim McCarver's testicles. McCarver is rumored to have 5 testicles, and has been exposing himself to World Series Champions since 1988.



"I don't know how many balls he had stuffed in thee, but it was a lot! Definitely moe than two, o my name ain't Tey Fancona," said Red Sox Manager Terry Francona.

"This is my thid Wold Seies victoy and the thid time I've been foced to look at McCave's nuts. I'm ove it," said Boston Pitcher Curt Schilling.


And whenever Tim McCarver's testicles work their way into a blog, it means it's time for that blog to end as quickly as possible.




ON THIS GEAT DAY, OCTOBE 29, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES THE 2007 BOSTON ED SOX FO USING A 25-LETTE ALPHABET, FO SWEEPING THE COLOADO OCKIES, FO HAVING A CELEBATOY OGY, FO WEIDING OUT MANNY AMIEZ, FO GETTING TO LOOK AT TIM MCCAVE'S BALLS AND FO NOT SUCKING LIKE THEY USED TO PIO TO 2004.


Baseball is truly a weird sport. No wonder no one's heard of it.


Chris Dotson


Dotman's Unfunny Joke of the Day

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Dotman Salutes - The Astrological Sign Scorpio

It's October 23, 2007, and we are moving into SCORPIO!



Is this a great time to be alive or what???

Scorpio might have to be the most well-known sign of the zodiac. Even people who aren't into astrology have an opinion about Scorpios.

Many things have been said about Scorps over the years, like they're possessive and overly emotional, that they're sex freaks and vindictive, and that they don't separate their whites from their colors when they do laundry.

All of these things are of course true of every Scorpio, without exception.


But there are other things about Scorpios that most people might not know.

For example---

Scorpios invented gardening!



Prior to the existence of Scorpios, people would just sit around and look at their yards and say, "Man, I wish I had some flowers in there right now!" And you know where all that wishful thinking got people?

NOWHERE!!!

But then the Scorpios showed up on the scene and started sticking in flowers and stuff and everyone's yard turned into a veritable wonderland overnight!





Scorpios also invented whips!!



Whips became an indispensable invention back in the 1970s when the majority of Americans were still riding horses. Back then people used to try to command horses by saying "go left" or "make a sharp right here", but the horses would never do what they told them! (Many people insisted that the horses knew EXACTLY what their owners were telling them and the horses were just fucking with them.)



So then the whip comes along and PRESTO! You no longer have to get jerked around by a horse who doesn't want to follow orders. Now you can just whip that bastard and that nag will do whatever you say!


Scorpios are also natural-born fly fishermen.



Scorpios are lucky in that respect because they know that no matter what happens, they will always be able to catch fish and therefore will never go hungry! And Scorpios love to think about potential starvation. Especially on weekends or when getting their mail.


In addition to all of these wonderful things, Scorpios/people with Scorpio energy are notorious pack rats.




They don't wanna throw nuthin' away!

"Why," do you ask? Well, because THEY MIGHT NEED IT SOMEDAY!

Scorpios are water signs and are therefore a very emotional lot. And they don't want the day to come around when they might NEED that glow-in-the-dark washboard and not have it!!! Because then what???




THEN it would be THE END OF THE WORLD!!!




And no sign obsesses more about the end of the world than Scorpios. They love anything that's death-related. I mean, they're ALL OVER that shit!

And the whole "Book of Revelation" thing in the Bible? That was thrown in there just to hold the Scorpios' attention.


Speaking of the end of the world and paranoid stuff, Leonardo DiCaprio just made a movie about it!



It's called The 11th Hour and I think it's another movie about how the world is going to end because we as humans are a bunch of assholes.



Now, I'm not disputing Leo's findings and I'm not saying humans aren't a bunch of assholes, but I AM saying this movie just as easily could have been titled "LEONARD DiCAPRIO IS A PARANOID SCORPIO."

And you know what, for my money, I'd MUCH rather see a movie called "Leonardo DiCaprio is a Paranoid Scorpio" any day of the week. I mean, "The 11th Hour??" Wasn't that a Spike Lee movie with Ed Norton?




Sometimes Scorpios don't obsess about the end of the world. Sometimes they'd rather obsess about germs! Scorpios are always on the defensive and preparing to "not get sick." And since they focus so much on sickness, what do you think happens? THEY GET SICK! Try telling Scorps that the majority of their "illness" is in their head. They won't want to hear that jive. Scorpios like getting sick because it justifies to them that this is a scary planet full of evil beings--- some of them (like germs) that we can't even see!

Scorps also obsess over little things they might find on their body (like a freckle) and wonder if it might be a symptom for a hideous disease!

I'm not saying that Scorpios are THE ONLY hypochondriacs out there, but they do comprise the vast majority of them. In a recent study conducted by a bunch of people wearing glasses, here is how the Hypochondriac population breaks down in America, by Astrological sign---

PERCENTAGE OF HYPOCHONDRIACS BY SIGN-

99% - Scorpio
1% - People who accidentally wandered into the doctor's office


So you can see, Scorpios ARE NOT the only hypochondriacs out there, and anyone who tells you differently is a lie!


Now it's time for a movie.

This is a dramatization of what you should do if a Scorpio asks you if the mole on their face looks like something they should have "checked out" by a doctor.









And if you couldn't understand what the Scorpio said in the video, he said, "Hey, you see this on my face? You think I should be worried about that?" (Scorpios can also be very difficult to understand on video, but that's a topic for another blog entry down the road.)



What more can I tell you about Scorpios?

They like Oreos and they really need to be able to trust people. TRUST is incredibly important with Scorps. Scorps give so much of themselves to people. They're about as close to unconditional love as you can get with a person. If a Scorpio is into you, they won't hold nothing back. You get 100% of them. Because of that, Scorpios tend to get along well with Sagittarians, who are terrible at lying and couldn't keep a secret if they wanted. They also do well with Capricorns because a Capricorn will always tell you what is on their mind and be straight up with you. Capricorns also are blunt to the point of annoyance and therefore get kicked in the shin and the groin more than any other Astrological sign, but that too is a topic for another blog entry.



Lastly, I just want to comment on the fact that Scorpios get a bad wrap for having a "nasty" disposition.

But with the exception of Debrah Moore, nothing could be further from the truth!




I find that Scorpios are INCREDIBLY patient with people. They believe in people long after I would have given up on them as a "lost cause." I mean, to piss off a Scorpio, you really have to go out of your way to upset them and/or violate that trust, but when that happens, that is the point where a Scorpio will fuck you with an aluminum chair.



And you don't want that.

You might THINK you do --- and I absolutely respect that--- but you don't.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, OCTOBER 23, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES THE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN OF SCORPIO FOR ALL OF THE THINGS THAT DOTSON WROTE IN THE ABOVE BLOG AND IS TOO TIRED TO GO BACK AND LIST IN THIS RECAP, ALTHOUGH DOTSON DOES REMEMBER THE PART ABOUT OREOS AND SO HE WILL SALUTE SCORPIOS FOR LIKING OREOS AND FOR FUCKING PEOPLE WITH ALUMINUM CHAIRS.


Fly-fishing, gardening, paranoia, aluminum chair-fucking... I mean what more can you ask out of a sign??

Way to be, Scorpio!!!!




Chris Dotson

The Dotman's Joke of the Day

Monday, October 22, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Not having to watch the HBO Series 'OZ' anymore.

I don't remember how it started exactly. I think I was eating sushi with my Sagittarian friend who fixes Macs and for whatever reason he brought up the old HBO series Oz. He said it was really intense or something.



I'd heard of the show, which originally aired in 1997, but back in those years I was busy drinking alcohol and dealing with the resulting hangovers everyday. So I didn't have much time to watch HBO. Hell, I didn't even get around to watching PORNOGRAPHY until early 2000.

Sadly, you can't Netflix pornography (yet), but you can Netflix "Oz." So I decided to order Season 1 and next thing I knew I was ordering Season 2, Season 3, and so on, and then I just finished watching the final season (Season 6) yesterday.

After watching 54 hours of "Oz", I'm still not sure how I feel about it. If you've seen an episode or two, then you know that lots of people die on the show. I'd guess at least 3 prisoners get murdered every episode. There's also lots of rapes. And there's lots of cock, as well! More than you'd think! There must have been some clause in the actors' contracts that if you wanted to be on the show, you had to be willing to expose your penis a lot. Because all the actors did! One actor even pulled his butt cheeks apart and exposed his wide-open butt hole! (Are you kidding me???? I still can't get that image out of my head! Why 'Oz'???? WHY????)

Anyway, the good news is that I no longer have to watch 'Oz', because there aren't any episodes left for me to watch. So unless they come out with an "Oz Christmas Special" or something, I'm off the hook and can focus on pursuing my other goals.

Like going to the library!!!

It's true. I went to the library today. I know a guy who works there and he got me in for free. Didn't have to wait in line or anything!

I stayed there for about 110 minutes, reading my Dave Eggers book and keeping it real. Then at one point, a POLICE OFFICER came up to me and a few other library-goers and pointed out to us that we were sitting in the "kids section" of the library and that we weren't supposed to be sitting there unless we were kids ourselves or had kids.

Uh... okay.... so we moved. But couldn't a librarian have just told us that? Why did a police officer (with a gun and everything!) have to deliver that request?

But then I remembered, there isn't much in the way of crime in Los Angeles, so it's good that they give police officers little responsibilities like that because it makes them feel like they're contributing. Otherwise they'd just be sitting around twiddling their thumbs all day waiting for some crime to happen, and in a small town like L.A, that's just NOT gonna happen!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, OCTOBER 22, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES THE FACT THAT HE NO LONGER HAS TO WATCH THE HBO SERIES 'OZ', BECAUSE DOTSON CAN ONLY PROCESS SO MANY IMAGES OF MURDER, RAPE, PENISES, AND WIDE-OPEN ASSHOLES AND BECAUSE DOTSON HAS OTHER GOALS IN LIFE, LIKE GOING TO THE LIBRARY AND BEING ASKED TO MOVE BY A POLICE OFFICER.


The Dotman of course had to put in his 2 cents about 'Oz', and if you haven't already seen his joke of the day (and judging by the number of hits The Dotman receives, you HAVEN'T), then feast your eyes on this----








Chris Dotson

Bad Jokes (And not in the good way.)