Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Paying for business cards.

You ever seen that "free business cards" link on Google?

I HAVE!!!

And guess what? They're not actually free. Can you believe it? Isn't that shocking?

I'm sorry to rock your world like this, but there's a catch with those things.

It's a company called Vista Print, and as near as I can tell, they are pure evil.




Even eviler than the Democratic Party!!




The first time I ordered business cards from them, they pretty much were free. I got 500 of them and they looked like this---




I was able to look past the fact that they printed black marker over my phone number and email address, and found them to be pretty nifty. I had to pay $6.95 for shipping, so they weren't TOTALLY free, but they were PRETTY MUCH free. And that's almost just as good!

I could have gotten a fancier design if I'd felt like paying more, but I wanted to keep the cards as free as possible, so I got one of the free designs.

Anyway, I gave away about 20 of the cards and then got bored with them. I decided to "recycle" them by using them as scratch paper. This was about 2 1/2 years ago. And at the time I didn't find Vista Prints to be evil at all. Actually, I was quite happy with my purchase of "pretty much free" business cards/scratch paper.

Those were the salad days.




But then, just three months ago, I got a hankering to get some NEW business cards! And I thought that since I'm an actor, I might splurge this time and put my PICTURE on the cards!

EXCITING!!!


I went back to Vista Print and started to design my new cards. I knew I wanted fancier cards this time that wouldn't be anywhere close to being free. I found a layout I liked pretty well, then I inserted my picture and when it came time to choose the type of card stock, I got the most expensive one they had!!

All in all, it was going to be about $50 for my next batch of 500 free business cards.

I'm a pretty savvy buyer, so I decided to shop around on a few other websites.




I didn't like the prices at the other sites and I didn't find them nearly as user-friendly as Vista Print's in terms of designing your layout.

So I went with Vista Print!

Now, when you order something from Vista Print, they have all these pop up boxes, doing the "up-sell" thing and trying to get you to buy all of their other products like mailing labels and blank VHS tapes.




These pop up things can be quite confusing, EVEN FOR A SENIOR CITIZEN!!




When I ordered my cards at Vista Print the first time, I just clicked "no" to all the pop ups, because I wanted to spend as little as possible.

But this time around, since I was spending $50 (or roughly half a month's salary), when I came across a box that promised to INSTANTLY save me $10 off of my order, I couldn't resist!

So I clicked on the box, and what happened after that was pretty fuzzy. But the short version is that I got signed up for some kind of "Rewards Program." I didn't want to be a part of this program at all, because it's one of those things where they AUTOMATICALLY charge you once a month to be in their club. In this case, it cost $14.95.

There was a link with an option to cancel the fake membership, and I emailed them and canceled it immediately, because I didn't want to get billed fo no stinkin' $14.95. I got Latrell Sprewell's kids to feed!




So that settled that!!

My new cards arrived in the mail a week later and they looked like this---




Again, they printed black marker all over my phone number and email address, but I'm a pretty forgiving person, so I let it slide. At least I wasn't getting charged $14.95 a month, right????

Not right.

I looked at my credit card statement last month and saw a charge on there from "AP9 Shopping Essentials" in the amount of $14.95. It seemed kind of fishy, but we were in Scorpio at the time, so I chalked it up to typical Scorpio paranoia. I decided it was a legitimate purchase and I'd just forgotten what it was.

But my credit card statement for THIS month showed up today and there it was again. $14.95 for "AP9 Shopping Essentials."

So I googled "AP9 Shopping Essentials" to find out what was what, and I found all these links about people being ripped off by Vista Print.

Here's one of those links right here.

It's weird, but Vista Print has several of these companies set up, and I guess their basic function is to take $14.95 from you every month.

I thought FOR SURE I had canceled that Vista Print Rewards thing. I went through my email and found the Vista Prints Reward "welcome letter" and my cancellation confirmation. But RIGHT NEXT to that email was a "welcome letter" from the "AP9 Shopping Essentials" Company.

I'd never noticed that before!!

And it was pretty much the same letter as the Vista Prints Rewards, telling me I'd be charged $14.95 per month unless I canceled the membership. Son of a gun! So I got signed up for TWO of these things!

What the frick, yo?

What the frick?

Anyway, I called my credit card folks and they said they could reverse the charges.

But now I gotta keep checking my email for a while to see if Vista Print keeps enrolling me for other stuff.

I could go on about this Vista Print nonsense, but I'm not a big complainer (I'm a glorious Sagittarius, after all!) and I don't want to invest any more of my precious energy than I already have on this thing.

However, I do ask that you parents out there tell your children to keep spending their money on pornography and albums by singers named Joyce and to lay off the free business cards.



(Man, if it wasn't for Vista Prints trying to rip me off, I never would have written a blog where I made reference to Latrell Sprewell's kids. That is AWESOME! --- THANK YOU, VISTA PRINT!!)


ON THIS GREAT DAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES PAYING FOR BUSINESS CARDS, BECAUSE IF YOU TRY TO GET FREE BUSINESS CARDS, THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT THEY WILL BE PRETTY MUCH FREE, BUT THE SECOND TIME YOU DO IT, THE CARDS WILL COST MORE BECAUSE THEY WILL INCLUDE YOUR PICTURE AND WILL BE PRINTED ON A HEAVIER CARD STOCK AND YOU WILL THEN FIND YOURSELF BEING SCREWED OVER BY A ONE-TIME SUCCESSFUL COMPANY THAT WILL SOON FIND ITSELF GOING OUT OF BUSINESS BECAUSE EVERYONE IS ON TO THEM AND KNOWS THAT THEY SUCK ASS.


I also wrote a formal complaint letter to Vista Print that I will mail off first thing tomorrow.

The letter looks like this--




And now, here is a SNEAK PREVIEW of tomorrow's "Joke of the Day" by Dotman.


Once again, I encourage you not to watch it. It is of course horribly offensive.








Kiss my ass, Dotman!


Kiss my ass.



Chris Dotson


Mongoloid Humor

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Not being in Scorpio anymore.

PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!

Those are the three words that have been going through my head the past four weeks.

And they're also the same three words that have been going through YOUR head the past few weeks. How do I know what you've been thinking? Because I know you better than you know yourself. And don't you EVER forget it!!

Don't worry, though. That was just the Scorpio talking, and lucky for us, today is the last day of Scorpio for a whole 'nother year!! Scorpio is kind of like the tax season for astrology. Just like every year you dread April 15 coming your way, astrologists always dread October 24. Because when October 24 rolls around, they know they're in for four weeks of negative thinking and no matter how hard they try, they won't be able to shake it.

You can read all about Scorpio in my "Salute to Scorpio" Blog that I wrote back on October 23, at a time when I was more optimistic about life than I was today.

Why am I LESS optimistic about life today? DUDE-- I told you, it's the effin' Scorpio mucking with my head.

Good thing for me (and for all of us) is that tomorrow, we enter the sign of Sagittarius, which is easily the GREATEST sign ever invented. In fact, it's God's gift to the zodiac. If it wasn't for Sagittarius, the human race would have evaporated long ago.



I can't think of a SINGLE negative thing about Sagittarians. The above link that I posted about Sagittarians says that sometimes they can be "superficial" and "overly optimistic."

Yeah, and so what?? Christ, after spending four weeks in Scorpio, we need all the superficiality and optimism we can get!!

Here are two Sagittarians right here--




See what I'm saying?? Aren't those people awesome? I mean, who wouldn't want to be those people?

There are plenty of other absolutely amazing Sagittarians out there, and I will salute all of them in a future blog.

In the meantime, I should warn you that as we transition from Scorpio to Sagittarius, there is going to be some friction. Every Scorpio is paranoid out of their gourds and they are only happy when a disaster is taking place, whether it be a wild fire or an earthquake or a tsunami. Scorpios CRAVE disaster! (What a bunch of nut jobs...) And since the world once again HAS NOT come to an end during Scorpio, you're going to have a bunch of pissed off Scorps running around looking to pick a fight with anyone who gets in their way. (Because as I wrote in my perfectly-written Scorpio blog, Scorpios NEED conflict to justify their paranoid vision of life.)

So, what can you do to avoid Scorpios for the next few days?

DON'T GO TO THE GROCERY STORE!!!!!



I can't stress this enough. And for God's sake, DO NOT go to the grocery store tomorrow! That place will be CRAWLING with Scorpios.

Tomorrow of course is Thanksgiving and every person shopping tomorrow will be a Scorpio because EVERY Scorpio, without exception, is INCAPABLE of planning ahead. They're too busy fretting about sex and death to think about practical things like eating. And tomorrow they're going to get to the store and of course the store will be SOLD OUT of some things (It is Thanksgiving Day after all!) and that is the point where Scorpios will blow their tops because FINALLY, FINALLY they will have found something to be disappointed about and they will whine and cry and flip out at clerks and fellow customers and claim that "This is an outrage!" and that there is a "conspiracy" going on and all of these things.

And that is the point where the Scorpios will start giving people THE FINGER!!



They'll start flipping everyone off. They won't give a damn if you are a 97 year-old grandfather or a 11-week infant. If they see you, you are getting the bird!




And you DO NOT want that.

So my advice is that if you can't get your grocery shopping done today, then simply CANCEL Thanksgiving. Hell, it'll be back next year anyway. And it's preferable to rubbing elbows with all those Scorpios.

Yes, if you cancel Thanksgiving, your children will be devastated and they'll probably never truly forgive you and become strippers and what not, but you know what?




Your children were probably destined to become strippers anyway.



And at least a stripping is good, honest work. You should be proud of your kids. It's not like they're aspiring to some B.S. job of being President of the United States or something.

I mean, who wants a kid who's a professional liar? (I mean, I do. I love professional liars! But I hink I'm in the minority.)



-----

HELLO, SAGITTARIUS!!!!




(Note "Desired by EVERYONE!!!!")


ON THIS GREAT DAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES US NO LONGER BEING IN SCORPIO, BECAUSE WHEN WE'RE IN SCORPIO WE TEND TO HAVE VERY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS THAT LEAD TO PANIC AND GIVE US A SKEWED LOOK AT THE WORLD. DOTSON ALSO SALUTES JESUS CHRIST AND THE ASTROLOGY GODS FOR GIVING US THE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN SAGITTARIUS WHICH HEALS ALL SCORPIO WOUNDS THAT HAVE BEEN INFLICTED ON US OVER THE PAST FOUR WEEKS AND WILL DELIVER US FROM EVIL, FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM, AND THE POWER, AND THE GLORY, FOR EVER AND EVER.


Amen.


And yes, I am still obligated to promote The Dotman's "Joke" of the day. The only good thing about the Dotman is that his videos only get like 9 hits. So it's not like people are even watching the stupid things. Hopefully The Dotman will just realize he's an idiot and quit. But unfortunately for us, I don't think he will. The Dotman isn't exactly grounded in reality. (Unlike me, of course.)








HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MOTHERFUCKERS.




Chris Dotson


Dotman's Failed Attempts at Humor

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Dotson Salutes - Neal Baddin

I bought 2 boxes of cereal today.

This is not something that I normally do.

What happened was, last night I had a dream that I was in my childhood home in Woodbury, Minnesota and I walked downstairs and my Virgo sister was lying on the couch, watching cartoons. She was also wearing a crazy, black-haired wig. She saw me coming down the stairs and jumped up and started ripping her wig apart and throwing bits of the wig at me.

The wig-throwing was getting a bit weird even for a dream, so I decided to turn around and went upstairs to the kitchen. I opened the cupboard and saw two boxes of cereal. I decided that I could really go for some cereal at the time, so I grabbed the box of Lucky Charms®, but it was empty! What a gyp! Then I grabbed the second box of cereal (which was Golden Grahams®), and guess what!! That one was empty, too. Then I noticed a box of Triscuits® and there were plenty of Triscuits® in there, but I didn't want any Triscuits®.

So I woke up hungry.

But then I decided that maybe the dream I had about the cereal meant something! Maybe God was sending me a message! Maybe I was supposed to go to the grocery store and buy the cereal and maybe I'd have some kind of fortuitous meeting with a person who could change my life forever!

So I went to the grocery store!

When I got to the cereal aisle, I noticed that quite a few brands of cereal were on special. Sadly, the Lucky Charms and Golden Grahams were full price.

They were $4.79 each!! $4.79 each?? No wonder money was tight when I was growing up! My mom was going broke buying me and my sisters cereal!

Aha! God WAS talking to me in my dream. He was telling me to write my mother a heart-felt thank you letter for all the times she bought me cereal as a kid. And I can see now it wasn't her fault that I didn't have a college fund. I ATE my college fund for breakfast every morning.

Gee frickin' whiz.

After writing my mom a thank you letter and begging her forgiveness, I decided to crack open the boxes of cereal. I first ate a bowl of Lucky Charms.



There were at least 4 times as many marshmallows in there than there were when I was a kid. Then I went for the Golden Grahams, which were pretty tasty, although I noted they sure got soggy fast. Then I had another bowl of the Golden Grahams.



At this point I was feeling light-headed from the sugar rush and needed to lie down myself. (JUST LIKE MY SISTER WAS LYING DOWN IN THE DREAM!!) And I ended up taking a 2-hour nap on my couch.

I didn't notice anymore parallels between my dream and my "waking" world after that.

BUT, when I was walking down the street this afternoon, I DID notice something awesome!

I noticed NEAL "Motherf@*kin'" BADDIN!!




This guy has it GOIN' ON!

Check him out-- he is Number 1!!!! It says right there on the sign. Neal Baddin is Number 1! What exactly is he Number 1 of, you might ask?

WHO GIVES A SHIT???

As long as there's a Number 1 anywhere on a billboard, you know you are dealing with someone special.

The other thing I like about Neal Baddin is that he's working hard for ME!

This is great, because I live a life of leisure and rarely work hard. And I have to admit, sometimes I quietly wonder to myself if in fact I SHOULD be working hard, you know like someone from Pittsburgh. But according to Neal Baddin, he's got my ass covered!

THIS GUY F@*KING RULES!!!




And the other thing about the sign is that his "working hardedness" seems to know no boundaries. So as far as I can tell, he's working hard for ALL OF US!!

This couldn't have come at a better time for Los Angeles, because as many of you know, the writer's guild went on strike recently and many television shows have shut down.

A strike looks like this---




And because of the strike, a lot of people are currently NOT working. And it's not just writers-- it's producers and directors and actors and editors and sound people and art department people and lots and lots of people who need to be working right now.

But it doesn't matter anymore because Neal Baddin is doing all the work FOR US!!!

And look at that billboard again. Look at that picture of Neal Baddin. His photo exudes confidence. His picture says, "I'm Neal Baddin, and yes, I've been using the same cell phone since 1991, but you know what, I'm Number 1 and I'm working hard for all y'all mothaf@*kas, so s@*k my $*@*% and kiss my @$T%@%%Y, sucka!!!"

(Dang, that Neal Baddin has a real potty mouth. Good thing for us he doesn't have a TALKING billboard. But I guess I'd swear a lot as well if I was working as hard as he does. Kudos, Neal Baddin, kudos.)


ON THIS GREAT DAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2007, DOTSON SALUTES NEAL BADDIN FOR WORKING HARD FOR US, FOR BEING NUMBER 1, FOR USING THE SAME CELL PHONE SINCE 1991, FOR SWEARING LIKE A SAILOR, FOR NOT HAVING A TALKING BILLBOARD, AND FOR NOT BEING A DREAM THAT COMPELS ME TO BUY FULL-PRICE CEREAL THAT MAKES ME LIGHT-HEADED AND SLEEPY.


Do you remember The Dotman?

I wish I didn't, either. But I do remember the S.O.B. And I'm still contractually obligated to post his "Joke of the Day" whenever I blog. So here it is.

But just because it's here, that does not mean you have to watch it. I'd suggest eating some cereal instead.









Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day