Thursday, January 31, 2008

Dotson Salutes - "The Biggs"

Have you heard of this new web series called "The Biggs"?

If you haven't, it is something that you need to hear about immediately.

In fact, don't read the rest of this blog, just go directly to HungrymanTV.comand watch the first two episodes of "The Biggs."


Good, now that everyone is watching "The Biggs" and no longer reading my blog, I feel no pressure to write anything funny or witty. (Which is awesome, since I'm incapable of being either funny OR witty. In fact, I can't even take a band-aid off without crying.)

But I will post two pictures--



These are pictures of "Sir Rodney Biggs" who is this puppet dude who is British and swears a lot. He also used to be in a rock 'n roll band with his brother.



Like I said, Sir Rod is a puppet and it takes two dudes to operate him. I think everybody else on the show is real people and not puppets. I'm on the show and I play his son named "Thornpedal" or maybe it's spelled "Thornpetal." Anyway, I play his son. But I think Sir Rod has thousands of kids scattered all over the world, so in future episodes the other kids might appear as well.

I'd like to write more, but I actually kind of have a life today and need to go to a coffee shop to meet a friend and then I'm meeting another friend after that and we're going to a theater to watch a movie for FREE.

FREE MOVIES!!!!

It's good to be The Dotson.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 31, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "THE BIGGS" FOR BEING AN AWESOME SHOW THAT PEOPLE CAN'T STOP WATCHING AND SINCE ALL OF YOU WENT AND WATCHED IT LIKE I ASKED YOU TO AT THE BEGINNING OF THE BLOG, IT MEANS NOBODY IS READING THIS AND SO I DON'T HAVE TO WRITE ANY FURTHER AND CAN JUST GOT GET COFFEE (TECHNICALLY I DRINK TEA, BUT I'M GOING TO A COFFEE SHOP) AND GO SEE MY FREE MOVIE.

KICK ASS!




(That one was for my Vikings fans out there.)


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Dotson Salutes - The Rolling Stones song "Mixed Emotions"

I painted a bar stool today. It was an amazing experience. I bought the bar stool at IKEA a few weeks ago and I put it just inside the front door of my apartment so that when I come home I now have a place to set my keys. It didn't have any paint on it and I decided recently that I wanted to paint it so I did what people do when they want to paint something--

They go to the Home Depot and buy a quart of paint. Can't remember exactly what the paint was called, but it had "Bistro" in the name somewhere. Then I went to my Taurus contractor friend's studio and painted that sucker. I'm leaving it there overnight because I didn't want to put it in my car when it wasn't fully dry and potentially get red paint all over the interior of my car.

I am excited to pick up the bar stool tomorrow. This is going to kick some ass.

Also, has anyone else out there being feeling possessed lately?

I am currently drinking a chocolate shake from Jack in the Box. It is damn good.


ALSO, you know what is the most underrated song by the Rolling Stones?



I'll tell you-

It's "MIXED E-FUCKING-MOTIONS"!!!!

This song was off the Steel Wheels Album that came out in 1989.



The song is actually called "Mixed Emotions" and doesn't have the F-word in it. But it should. That whole song should contain nothing but F-bombs.

But despite the fact that "Mixed Emotions" does not contain a single F-bomb, it still manages to be an amazing song.

Of course it's not as good as the Stones classic work off such albums as "Beggars Banquet," "Let it Bleed," "Sticky Fingers" or "Exile on Main Street." But nothing will ever be that good again. NOTHING!!!

Still, "Mixed Emotions" is one awesome song.

How do I know it's so awesome???

Well, because I listen to it all the time.

And also at the writing of this blog, it's got 27,116 hits on YouTube. THAT is about as awesome as it gets, my friend!




I've always had this fantasy where I find myself at a karaoke bar and I'm going through the catalog of songs and I come across "Mixed Emotions" and I really want to sing it, but my friends (because in my fantasy I HAVE FRIENDS!!!) tell me not to do it because no one will know the song and even if they did, they'd say it was a shitty song by the Stones.

And I'm like, "Yeah, you guys are right." And then I look for another song, but then this guy taps me on the shoulder and I turn around and it's MICK JAGGER!!!

But it's not 2008 Mick Jagger or even 1966 Mick Jagger.

IT'S 1989 MICK JAGGER and he looks like this---



And he's got Ron Wood with him and a chick with a weird smile on her face, and some sketchy dude wearing sunglasses and Mick Jagger says to me, "Did I hear you say you want to sing 'Mixed Emotions'? What's up with that, dude? That song sucks."

And I say, "No, Mick. That song doesn't suck at all. That song rules."

But Mick is adamant that it's a lousy song and I spend the next 45 minutes of my fantasy convincing Mick Jagger that "Mixed Emotions" truly is a great song and is worthy of being sung at a karaoke bar.

Mick finally agrees with me but says he's just not in the mood to sing it, so he and I instead sing "Brown Sugar" and it is AWESOME!!!!

(Well, technically Mick sings "Brown Sugar", but he lets me stand on the karaoke stage with him and Ron Wood buys me THREE club sodas!!!!)



THREE!!!!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 30, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE ROLLING STONES SONG "MIXED EMOTIONS" FOR BEING A RARE GEM AND A KICK-ASS SONG THAT IS WORTHY OF BEING LISTENED TO AT LOUD VOLUMES AND IS ALSO WORTHY OF BEING SUNG AT A KARAOKE BAR EVEN IF NO ONE IN THE BAR KNOWS THE SONG AND THINKS IT'S STUPID BECAUSE MICK JAGGER WILL PROBABLY SHOW UP IF YOU WANT TO SING IT AND THEN HE'LL SING "BROWN SUGAR" INSTEAD, BUT YOU WON'T CARE BECAUSE IT'S MICK FRICKIN' JAGGER AND HE'S SINGING "BROWN SUGAR" LIVE AND RON WOOD WILL THEN BUY YOU THREE CLUB SODAS AND SHOW YOU HOW TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE WITH YOUR PENIS.

As long as I'm confessing about secret songs that I love, I should tell you that my favorite solo Paul McCartney song is "Take It Away."

I don't know why that is.

But I love this song more than you love your own children.



(And just TRY to tell me that McCartney DOESN'T look like Judd Nelson at the beginning of this video. Just TRY. Because McCartney looks EXACTLY like Judd Nelson in that opening sequence and you know it. And there is no reason why McCartney should not have been cast in Nelson's role in "The Breakfast Club" except for the fact that director John Hughes was a notorious Rolling Stones fan who LOATHED The Beatles. So that's why Nelson got cast over McCartney. Ridiculous.)

I'm going to close now.

I'm going to close YOUR WIFE!!!!


OOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Dotson Salutes - The Movie "Bully" and Blogger.com

Last night I watched a movie called "Bully."




This was not your conventional kind of movie. For one thing, it took many risks by presupposing the following--

1. Filmgoers are interested in watching young people have sex.
2. Filmgoers are interested in violence.


Sex and violence in a film? REALLY? Could it work?

The answer is "yes." It worked like a dream.

First, let's look at the sex. (Actually, let's ONLY look at the sex.) There was more sex had in this movie than I will have in three lifetimes.



There was even one scene where Bijou Phillips was having sex on top of a guy and she picks up her phone and carries on a casual conversation with a friend while she's riding this dude. To me, that was the most interesting scene in the movie, mainly because I am impressed with anyone who can multitask like that. If I was having sex, I can tell you right now there is NO WAY I'd be able to maintain intercourse and talk on the phone at the same time. It would be like me trying to rub my stomach and pat my head simultaneously. It's just not going to happen. Granted, Phillips was having "movie sex" (at least I THINK she was) and therefore didn't have to maintain actual intercourse while having a phone conversation. But still, she was amazing in the scene and I think they should absolutely have awards for things like that, like "Best Actress In A Scene Where She Was Required To Talk On The Phone And Have Sex At The Same Time."

I'm telling you, I am going to create my own awards show and hand out awards for that very thing. I don't care if nobody comes to the show or if no actors show up to accept their trophies. I will have the awards show regardless and I will eat bread and jam and I will craft my own marmalade and put it in jars and hand it out to people on the street who so desperately need marmalade and they will grow into incredible ferns and they will scale the walls of eternity until creation has no more and there, and only there will the birds reveal themselves as the true masters of infinity and beyond.

Thank you, Buzz Lightyear.



Anyway, I watched "Bully" right before I went to bed, and let me warn you that if you watch "Bully" right before you go to bed, you will dream about two of your cousins having sex.

And that's what happened! I dreamt that two of my male cousins were having sex. (Not with each other!) There were actually 6 people on the bed in my dream. 3 guys and 3 chicks. My two cousins were going at it with two unidentifiable chicks. There was another couple on the bed having sex, but I couldn't see their faces.

And It wasn't like I was standing there WATCHING my cousins have sex. In the dream I was playing a video game and I was really into the video game and didn't even REALIZE that all this sex was being had on the bed behind me. When I finally did see the sex, I immediately excused myself from the room.

So that's what happened there.


In other news, I've decided that I am unceremoniously retiring from MySpace. This is the final blog that will be posted on MySpace. I know all three of you readers will be devastated.

The good news is that I will continue to blog like a demon, but I will be posting the blog at www.dotsonsalutes.blogspot.com

So read it there instead.

And don't try to contact me through MySpace anymore, because I'm not logging on to even read messages. But I don't know, maybe you enjoy sending messages that don't get read. In that case, message away!

Why this abrupt change?

Because we're in Aquarius and Aquarius is ruled by the planet Uranus which is known for causing abrupt changes.

That's why.

Anyway, I've had fun on MySpace over the years, but it's time for The Dot to ride off into the sunset.

Adios, amigos!!




ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 29, 2008, THE DAY WHEN DOTSON RETIRES FROM MYSPACE FOREVER, DOTSON SALUTES THE MOVIE "BULLY" FOR SOMEHOW FINDING AN AUDIENCE DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT CONTAINS MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SEX AND EVEN VIOLENCE, AND FOR CAUSING DOTSON TO HAVE EROTIC DREAMS ABOUT TWO OF HIS MALE COUSINS. DOTSON ALSO SALUTES BLOGGER.COM FOR BEING A PLACE WHERE DOTMAN CAN BLOG WITHOUT HAVING TO LOG INTO MYSPACE AND GETTING INUNDATED WITH ADS FEATURING SLUTTY GIRLS (NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!) AND ALSO BECAUSE DOTSON IS SO "MYSPACE-D OUT" HE CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU.


Kudos? You want KUDOS??

I got your kudos right fuckin' here---




R.I.P. Dotson's Myspace Account: 2004-2008



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

http://dotsonsalutes.blogspot.com/

Monday, January 28, 2008

Dotson Salutes - An actress Dotson once worked with.

I went to a funeral today. I thought I was just going to a memorial service, but it wasn't until I got to the cemetery with my Scorpio filmmaker friend and his Capricorn photographer wife that I realized we were going to a burial.

The woman who passed away was an actress I met on a film that was shot during the summer of 2005. In the movie, she played my grandmother. I hadn't seen her since then, but she made quite an impression on me.

My Scorpio filmmaker friend was the director of this movie, and he got an email last week from one of her sons that she had died. She had been visiting another son in India and had a heart attack.

(I was thinking about posting her name in the blog, as I'm sure she wouldn't mind. She was an actress , yo! She'd love the publicity!! But maybe her family wants to keep things chill. So I'm gonna leave her name out.)

One of her sons came up to us at the funeral and talked to me and my friends. He talked A LOT, actually! I was happy that he talked a lot, though, because his mom also talked a lot, so it was nice to see he was carrying on his mother's tradition. He was a very interesting guy. He was brought up Jewish but had converted to Hinduism years ago. He was dressed in Hindu garb and had yellow paint on his nose. This was the son who she had gone to visit in India.

There was a Rabbi there and he did a very nice eulogy in honor of the actress. Then he went around and shook everyone's hand. Because of where I was standing, he walked up to me first to shake my hand. At first I wasn't sure if he wanted me to shake his hand or give him "five" because he extended his hand out at an angle like this---




When people shake my hand I'm used to them offering their hand at this angle---



So I hesitated for a split-second, just long enough to have the thought "Why would this guy want me to give him 'five' at a funeral?" and then I decided to go for the handshake, which was the right choice.

In 1998 I'd had the most awkward handshake of my life with then-University of Minnesota basketball player Miles Tarver at a Green Mill Restaurant in Minneapolis.



I am relieved to say that I did not repeat that awkwardness today with the Rabbi.

--------


I am happy to have known this actress and I am grateful to have been invited to celebrate her life with her family and friends this afternoon.



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Lame Jokes

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Dotson Salutes - My Mother's Breakfast

I'm on vacation!!!!

I'm in the desert kicking it at mom's winter getaway. My sister is here as well. And my stepfather. Last night a couple that my mom and stepdad know came over and all of us played Texas Hold 'Em. I came in 3rd because I rule. 3rd Place is the new 1st Place. I'd much rather finish 3rd than 1st. Everyone was envious of me, too. They all wanted to finish in 3rd Place and they knew it. They tried to bribe me with bratwurst and licorice in exchange for my 3rd Place title, but I was having nothing to do with it because---

THE DOT CAN NOT BE BOUGHT!!

I am currently sitting on my mother and stepdad's bed, stealing a wireless signal from one of their neighbors. I have to sit on the very edge of the bottom-right corner of the bed and then I get one single bar of a signal. That should be enough to get this blog off, though. I'm not doing pictures today, either. Like I said, I'm on vacation. And when I'm on vacation I don't do pictures. That's something you should know about me.

Anyway, the great thing about having a nice mom is that she cooks for you like all the time. Even when you don't want food! She's constantly making you food and shoving it in your face and it's really pretty amazing to think that although God threw you into this world without your choosing, at least he was cool enough to give you a nice mom who loves you unconditionally and gives you tons of free food.

And that's what my mom did for us this morning! She gave us tons of free food and shoved it in our faces!

For breakfast my mom made her famous "sugar-crusted muffins." Have you ever had one of these things? They're muffins with a sugar crust. They're delicious! (They're also referred to as "Thudpuckers" in my family because as legend goes, the very first time my mom tried making these muffins (This was like in 1977 or something) she burnt them and my Dad (They were still married at the time.) picked up one of the muffins and threw it at a wall and yelled "THUDPUCKER!" (It was like a spontaneous thing. He wasn't angry yelling. They were just having fun. They might have been high, too. Although I don't think my Dad ever smoked dope since he's mostly a Republican.))

In addition to the muffins, we had Jimmy Dean® Sausages!!! How cool is that? My stepfather cooked those suckers up all by himself. Then we also had scrambled eggs and fruit. The mixture of fruit my mom prepared consisted of bananas, strawberries, and little oranges. (I think they're called Tangerines.)

Damn, was that a feast! All that food before 10am even! I am one lucky S.O.B. No getting around it.

And for her next trick, my mother is going to hem up some pants I recently bought!

HOW DOES SHE DO IT?????


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 27, 2008, A DAY WHEN DOTSON HAS ELECTED TO NOT POST ANY PICTURES ON HIS BLOG FOR THE FIRST TIME IN RECENT MEMORY, DOTSON SALUTES HIS MOTHER FOR COOKING UP AN INCREDIBLE BREAKFAST CONSISTING OF SUGAR-CRUSTED MUFFINS, EGGS, FRUIT, AND JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGES, ALTHOUGH TECHNICALLY DOTSON HAS TO ACKNOWLEDGE HIS STEPFATHER FOR BEING THE ONE TO PREPARE THE SAUSAGE.


I almost forgot to mention the 3 chocolate chip cookies I ate last night that my mom made. Oh, and this morning she gave me an ENTIRE TIN filled with peppermint cremes that she bought at the Cracker Barrel!

Oh, we GOTTA get a picture of this tin--- We just gotta!!!!!




And we GOTTA GO TO BEN'S!!!!




So I guess this blog ended up having pictures after all. What a nice surprise!


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Garnier Fructis Shampoo and Conditioner

Dude!

Where were you last night?

My friends and I went to see The Trailer Park Boys Movie and you weren't there!

Actually, NOBODY was there!

Including me and my three friends, there were a total of 9 people in the theater.

Bubbles would have been heartbroken. Do you even care about Bubbles's feelings?

Do you even know who Bubbles is?




Whatever. So you didn't make it to the movie last night. That's cool. I'm sure you had important things to do. I'll quit with the guilt trip. Were in Aquarius, dammit! Now is not the time for guilt trips. Now is the time to celebrate shampoo and conditioner!!

Have you ever used this shampoo called Garnier Fructis?



This stuff's incredible! I've been using it religiously for like the past 7 months, and the great thing is that you get a free lemon twist with every bottle you purchase! (IS that a lemon twist behind the bottle in the above picture? Or is that something else? Whatever it is, you get THAT with every purchase. Awesome!)

Now this shampoo can be pretty difficult to find. Only the most discriminating retailers carry it, like Target and Wal-Mart. But if you're one of the lucky ones who lives in close proximity to either of those two stores, then do yourself a favor--- go out and buy a couple bottles of the shampoo and conditioner, bring 'em home, and let the good times roll!

Sarah Jessica Parkers either was or still is the spokesperson for Garnier. So I'm sure a lot of you are thinking to yourselves, "Dotson only buys Garnier products because of Sarah Jessica Parkers. He does whatever she tells him to do!"

Not true! One time I had a dream that Sarah Jessica Parkers told me to buy this chair-



But do you really think that after that dream I woke up and went on a wild goose chase to find that EXACT chair and then purchased it for over $3,000?


YES!

Yes, I did. Because I do whatever Sarah Jessica Parkers tells me to do.

You were right.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 26, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES GARNIER FRUCTIS FOR MAKING INCREDIBLE SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER THAT CAN BE TRICKY TO FIND, BUT IS WELL WORTH SEEKING OUT AND FOR MAKING SARAH JESSICA PARKERS THEIR SPOKESPERSON BECAUSE I WILL BUY ANYTHING THAT SARAH JESSICA PARKERS TELLS ME TO.


Japanese!!




Chris Dotson

Dotman's Lame Jokes

Friday, January 25, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Tuna fish for taking so long to go bad.

The Dot Train has been on the go all day. I got up early, talked to my dad on the phone for a bit, then I met a friend for yoga, then I met another pal for lunch. After that I drove across town for a commercial audition for some pizza company called... I can't remember... it started with a "D", I think. Now I need to change a light bulb in my hallway. Then I get to meet up with a few more friends and do an activity that has yet to be determined.

Despite all this racing around, I want to take the time to salute tuna fish for taking so long to go bad.

Here's a can of tuna fish right here---



Check it out-- It doesn't expire for well over 3 years from now! Actually, it's good for another 3 years and 9 months. How rad is that?

That's the great thing about tuna. You can take your time to decide if you want to eat it or not. Other kinds of food, especially bread, seems to expire before I can eat it all. Then I feel guilty because I have to throw it out.

I still think they should make "half loaves" of bread or something for single dudes like myself. Who has time to eat all the bread that comes in a full loaf? I sure don't, and I keep a blog, so that means that I have more time than most people and if I can't get around to eating a whole loaf of bread before the expiration date, then something's wrong.

But there's nothing wrong with tuna fish. Any food that takes 3 years and 9 months to go bad is okay in my book.

Tuna fish rules.

Period.

End of story.

Stick a fork in it.

Over and out.

The end.

Sayonara, sucka!!




ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 25, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES TUNA FISH FOR TAKING SO LONG TO GO BAD, BECAUSE ALL FOOD SHOULD TAKE 3 YEARS AND 9 MONTHS TO GO BAD, ESPECIALLY BREAD BECAUSE WHO HAS TIME TO EAT A WHOLE LOAF OF BREAD IN ONE WEEK OR LESS, DUDE? BREAD SHOULD TOTALLY TAKE LONGER TO EXPIRE. THEY SHOULD ALSO HAVE A TUNA FISH-FLAVORED TOOTHPASTE. WHY DON'T THEY HAVE THAT? WHY? AND WHY COME FISH?

WHY COME FISH?????


Have a pleasant weekend, my sons.


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Awesome, Hilarious Jokes

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Trailer Park Boys

There is nothing better than waking up in the morning and walking out into your hallway to discover the 2nd largest cockroach you have ever seen!

This thing was massive! In all my years, I'd only seen once roach bigger than it and that was back in 2002.

I was still half-asleep as I tried to figure out what to smash it with. I ended up using the back of a legal pad. It did the trick, but then of course the cardboard backing of the pad got dead cockroach jive all over it, so I had to rip off the backing and throw it away.

Now my legal pad looks like this---




I'm going to miss that cardboard backing. It's lucky for cockroaches that it's difficult to file lawsuits against them because if I hadn't killed that roach I totally would have sued it for damages. I would have got $500,000 for the emotional distress of seeing it in my apartment, and I would have got an addition $2.49 to pay for a new legal pad that didn't have dead cockroach all over it.


That said, you should cancel whatever plans you might have already made for this weekend and go see the Trailer Park Boys Movie.




Now, depending on where you live, it might be hard to see it because it might not be playing near you. But if you live in the Los Angeles area, it is definitely playing at a theater in Burbank starting tomorrow.

I'm sure some of you have seen Trailer Park Boys the TV show. It's set in a trailer park and is a comedy in the spirit of "The Office" or Topher Guest's movies. The show was shot in Canada, so I know plenty of people didn't watch it simply because of that. But let me tell you-- all kinds of funny comedians have come from Canada, including Bill Cosby and Bob Hope.

Last night they had the premiere of the Trailer Park Boys Movie in Los Angeles. My Gemini set dresser friend scored tickets and offered me one but I had to decline because Wednesday night is the night I play poker with seniors at a retirement home and I made the mistake of canceling on them once and they came to my house that night (There were 7 of them.) and caned me within an inch of my life and then they went on my computer and signed me up for every museum mailing list in North America.

And I wasn't about to let that happen again, so I passed on the premiere in favor of those hateful, museum-mailing-list-obsessed seniors.

But my set dresser friend went to the premiere and he met pretty much ALL of the Trailer Park Boys!!!!

Check this out--

Here he is with Cory of Cory and Trevor fame.




Here he is with Ricky and Julian--




And last but not least, here he is with Bubbles--




I can not begin to tell you how happy I am for my Gemini set dresser friend. Jesus Christ obviously likes him quite a bit to make him one of the "chosen ones." Not just anyone gets the opportunity to meet and then have their picture taken with the Trailer Park Boys. I guess my Gemini set dresser friend possesses more power than he lets on.

And in my book, his encounter with the Trailer Park Boys last night makes my Gemini set dresser friend the 4th most powerful person in Hollywood.


In fact, here's my list of the most powerful people in Hollywood right here---


1. Chuck Norris
2. Steven Spielberg
3. Jerry Bruckheimer
4. My Gemini set dresser friend
5. Tatyana Ali



And a very happy birthday to Tatyana Ali! May the coming year bring you all kinds of free cake and complimentary tire rotations!




ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 24, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE TRAILER PARK BOYS FOR HAVING A MOVIE THAT IS PLAYING IN THE UNITED STATES RIGHT NOW, FOR MAKING ONE OF THE FUNNIEST TV SHOWS OF ALL-TIME, AND FOR HANGING OUT WITH MY GEMINI SET DRESSER FRIEND AND ALLOWING HIM TO TAKE THEIR PICTURE WITH HIM NOT JUST BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST ADORES MY GEMINI SET DRESSER FRIEND AND THEY WANT TO BUDDY UP WITH MY FRIEND SO THEY'LL HAVE A BETTER CHANCE OF GETTING INTO HEAVEN, BUT BECAUSE THEY TRULY, TRULY WANTED TO TAKE THEIR PICTURE BECAUSE DOES ANYONE EVEN READ THIS PART AT THE END WHERE I DO THE CAPITALIZED SALUTE THING BECAUSE IF YOU DO THEN WHAT I'M WRITING ISN'T MAKING MUCH SENSE RIGHT NOW BUT GO SEE THE MOVIE, OR OTHERWISE RENT THE TV SHOW BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME.





Chris Dotson

The Dotman's Attempts at Humor

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Dotson Salutes - The Arcade Game "Double Dragon"

Oy. Remember how I wrote in my blog a while back that I was going to blog EVERY SINGLE DAY this year?

What the hell was I thinking?

I knew this day would pop up at some point where I'd have trouble finding something to salute and I wouldn't want to blog and feelings of inadequacy would overtake my body.

BUT, I will blog on. Because the point of my writing everyday, is simply that-- It's to get in the habit of writing everyday! Even on days when I don't feel like it. It's about being creative. I have to admit that I'm grateful to MySpace and to the internet in general that I can write something and (potentially) millions of people can read it! Well, in my case it's more like 8 people read it, but that's great, too. 8 is better than 7! But 7 is definitely NOT better than 6. 6 kicks 7's ass any time. I'd much rather have 6 of something than 7.

I'd also rather be playing the video game Double Dragon.

There. I just found something to salute. I'm going to salute Double Dragon.

When I was a kid, there was a time when this was the greatest arcade game out there.

Double Dragon looked like this--



Pretty awesome, huh? Doesn't that totally look like a game you'd want to play? And those graphics! Back then, those graphics were considered state-of-the-art!

There were two "good guys" in Double Dragon and I believe their names were Stan and Chip. They looked like this--



My favorite part about playing Double Dragon was that you could pick up barrels and throw them at people. And my even favoriter part was that you could pick up a set of chains and beat people up with them. That was cool for me and my friends because every child dreams of being able to beat someone up with a set of steel chains. And Double Dragon made that dream a reality!!

The video game was so popular that they even made a cartoon out of it and also a movie!

I never did see the movie. It looked too complex for me at the time, like it would be over my head. But now that I'm older and have more wisdom, perhaps I'll Netflix it.




ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 23, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE ARCADE GAME DOUBLE DRAGON FOR FIRST OF ALL EXISTING BECAUSE OTHERWISE DOTSON WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO THINK OF ANYTHING TO SALUTE TODAY. DOTSON ALSO SALUTES DOUBLE DRAGON FOR BEING A GAME WHERE YOU COULD BEAT PEOPLE UP WITH CHAINS, WHICH IS EVERY CHILD'S DREAM, AND FOR SPAWNING A CARTOON SHOW AND A MOVIE.


I'm MySpace friends with Deepak Chopra (Who isn't, though?????) and this is what he had to say about Heath Ledger, via a MySpace Bulletin.


Dear All,

I knew Heath Ledger as a friend. He was particularly close to my good friend Shekhar Kapur who had directed him in the film "Four Feathers." Shekhar and I are in New York grieving the death of a beautiful soul with extraordinary talent. We wish him God speed on his onward journey.

Love,
Deepak



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Dotson Salutes - The New York Giants

I actually meant to salute these dudes yesterday, but I got so distracted by the fact that I own 13 pairs of shoes that I completely forgot to do it.

So here it is--

Today's salute goes out to the New York Football Giants.

The Giants look like this--




And if you are a fan of the New York Giants, your bed looks like this--




I myself am NOT a fan of the New York Giants. I am a fan of the Minnesota Vikings and therefore my bedroom looks like this---




So I'm sure you're not wondering to yourself why I'm saluting the Giants if I'm not a fan of the team.

Well, I'm even LESS of a fan of the Green Bay Packers! And what happened is that the Giants defeated the Packers on Sunday, ending the Packers season and catapulting the Giants into the Super Bowl!

This also means that for the first time since 2006, I can go to Super Bowl Parties!!!

I can't tell you how exciting this is for me.

See, as a Vikings fan, I don't like to socialize with fans of the Green Bay Packers or the Chicago Bears. Those are our rivals. (Technically the Detroit Lions are our rivals as well, but they haven't won a game since 1983, so their fans don't irritate me as much.)

And last year the Bears were in the Super Bowl, so that meant that if I wanted to go to a Super Bowl party last year, I would have had to interact with a bunch of creepy Bears fans.



EEEEEWWWWW!!!


So last year I stayed home and watched the Super Bowl by myself alone in the dark. I also cried twice.

And this year, it was looking like the Packers were going to go to the Super Bowl. I mean, the Giants had no business winning that game. But then Brent Farve, who has thrown more interceptions than any other quarterback in the history of football, threw another interception which set up the game-winning field goal for New York. And that's how they won.

After the game, Farve said, "I don't care that we lost, man. I just threw another interception, yo! That's awesome! My record is NEVER going to be broken! As near as I can tell, the people of Green Bay should be out in the street celebrating my interceptions record, because that belongs to them as much as it belongs to me. I couldn't have thrown all those interceptions over the years without their support."

So while Farve will be home celebrating his interceptions record, the New York Giants are going to the Super Bowl. And as soon as the game was over, I RSVPed for my friend Charley's awesome Super Bowl party. He does this party ever year. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go this year because I thought for sure the Packers would be in the Super Bowl and I'd have to rub shoulders with their annoying fans. But I won't have to deal with annoying Packers fans, thank God! -- only annoying Giants and Patriots fans. But them I can handle.


When Jesse Ventura was Governor of Minnesota, he used to refer to Packers fans as "The Drunken Cowards."



Now that's the kind of leadership I look for in a governor!

I don't know if the Wisconsin Governor ever had an unflattering nickname for Minnesota Vikings fans. (Does Wisconsin even have a governor? That state is so weird, dude.)

But if I was the Governor of Wisconsin and had to come up with a name for Vikings fans, I would refer to them as this--

"The Holes they call Ass."

And I'd get re-elected every time!

(For the record, I of course don't think that Vikings fans are "holes they call ass." Vikings fans rule. Even the drunken ones rule. You see, Vikings fans don't drink because they're cowards and can't stand up for themselves without "liquid courage" like Packers fans. Vikings fans drink because they really, really like alcohol. And they never get hangovers, either. Vikings fans never get hangovers because they are real men! (And Women!))


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 22, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE NEW YORK GIANTS FOR DEFEATING THE GREEN BAY PACKERS ON SUNDAY, THUS ENABLING DOTSON TO ONCE AGAIN ATTEND HIS FRIEND CHARLEY'S SUPER BOWL PARTY THIS YEAR BECAUSE DOTSON WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING SURROUNDED BY DRUNKEN COWARDS (AKA "PACKERS FANS"), BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO ANNOYING FANS, DOTSON WOULD MUCH RATHER SOCIALIZE WITH GIANTS AND PATRIOTS FANS THAN BEARS OR PACKERS FANS.


This guy gets my vote for sexiest fan alive---




MEE-OW!!!


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Monday, January 21, 2008

Dotson Salutes - The fact that I own over 6 pairs of shoes.

Hang onto your hats--- Dotson's in a spiritual mood!

I'm totally spiritual-ing it up!!!


Here's what happened--- I was doing yoga this morning in my living room and I was holding a pose and I happened to glance over to the right, and this is what I saw---



SIX PAIRS OF SHOES!!

(Technically there are four pairs of shoes, one pair of flip-flops, and one pair of slippers, but you know what I'm sayin'.)


And then I thought to myself, "DANG, MAN!! I'm like the luckiest man on the face of the earth!"




I continued with my yoga practice, and then when the yoga was over and I was lying there in "corpse pose" and sobbing uncontrollably for several minutes in gratitude for all of my wonderful friends and family, I thought to myself, "DUDE! I own even MORE shoes than the six pairs right there!"

And I ran into my hallway closet to look at the shoes I have in there---



Look-- it's another pair of flip-flops!!


Then I went to my bedroom closet, opened it up, and saw this---



SIX more pairs of shoes!!


That makes 13 in all. Plus, THREE of those pairs of shoes were given to me last week for FREE!

Hot damn, I am a lucky S.O.B.


Then I went online and watched Traffic perform "Low Spark of High-Heeled Boys" because that is an awesome song to listen to when you're celebrating an abundance of footwear.


Also, I can't stop thinking about Brad Renfro's death. I don't know why that is. I only saw a couple of his movies and I never really followed his career, but I guess it just bums me out when people die so young.

I have absolutely no idea why I felt compelled to do this, but I printed out a picture of Renfro last night, taped it to a wall in my bathroom, and lit what I guess could be called some kind of "memorial candle."

Here it is---




Also, I dusted off my tarot deck and did a draw this morning. (I mentioned I was in a spiritual mood, right????) I asked the Tarot what my day was going to be like today and drew 3 cards.

Here's what I got---




So that means that today I'm first going to dress up like Tony Curtis from "Spartacus", grab a couple of chalices and toast a chick in front of some Mayan Ruins, then I'm going to encounter a giant naked chick with blonde hair who enjoys pouring water into ponds, and then I'm going to run into a forlorn-looking gentleman carrying a bunch of swords.


Sounds like a full day to me!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 21, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE FACT THAT HE OWNS OVER 6 PAIRS OF SHOES (13 PAIRS TO BE EXACT.)

DOTSON ALSO WANTS TO SALUTE BRAD RENFRO AND MENTION THAT HIS THOUGHTS ARE WITH RENFRO'S FRIENDS AND FAMILY RIGHT NOW.

AND DOTSON IS ALSO EXCITED ABOUT MEETING ALL OF THESE INTERESTING PEOPLE THAT THE TAROT PREDICTS HE WILL MEET TODAY BECAUSE DOTSON DOESN'T GET NEARLY ENOUGH OPPORTUNITIES TO PLAY "DRESS UP" IN "SPARTACUS" GARB AND DOTSON HAS NEVER MET A GIANT BLONDE PERSON BEFORE. HELL, DOTSON HASN'T EVER MET ANYONE WHO OWNS A BUNCH OF SWORDS BEFORE, EITHER!


We're in Aquarius, Motherf$*kers!!!





Chris Dotson

Dotman is not funny.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Dotson Salutes - The Film "Not Without My Daughter"

Last night I dreamt I was at either a book store or some kind of party and Brad Pitt was there. He was wearing a white bathrobe that had a Minnesota North Stars Logo on it. The robe also had a hood! It was really an impressive bathrobe. I said to myself "I wonder if I can get my hands on one of those!" So I went up to Brad Pitt and "played the Sag card." (Brad Pitt and I are both Sagittarians, so in my dream I was like "Hey, you're a Sagittarius, right?" And Brad Pitt was like "Yeah, dude!" and then we got to talking about life and stuff because Sagittarians are always really friendly to one another. ALWAYS!)

So Brad Pitt tells me he can totally get me one of those kick-ass robes and he goes off to get one for me, and that's when I notice a Springer Spaniel running around so I go up to the springer and scootch down to its eye level and it starts jumping on me and licking me and stuff. It was pretty awesome. I never did get my hands on that robe, though.




But it doesn't matter how many times I might have dreams about Brad Pitt, bathrobes and Springer Spaniels, because I will NEVER see the movie "Not Without My Daughter!"




You know this movie?

It came out in 1991 and was about Sally Fields as an inmate at a prison in Arizona. She gets paroled but her daughter does not. So she tells the parole board that she ain't leaving the prison unless her 6 year-old daughter gets paroled as well. They don't parole the daughter and Sally Fields is all like, "Fine, then I'm not leaving!" And the next 95 minutes of the film is simply Sally Fields staring across the table at the parole board with a nasty look on her face.

Now with a plot like that, this movie seemed like a "sure thing". It seemed like "box office gold," right? And "Not Without My Daughter" DID set a box office record, albeit NOT the kind of record that you want a film to set.

The record is this---

To this day, NO ONE has ever seen the movie "Not Without My Daughter."

NO ONE.

It is the only major film to have a theatrical release that never sold one ticket or grossed a single dollar.

But how could this be? "Daughter" opened on 1,617 screens in May of 1991. Surely somebody could have wandered into one of these theaters by mistake, right?

But they didn't.

Director Brian Gilbert has had 17 years to think about why nobody has ever gone to see his film and here are some of his thoughts--

Says Gilbert (2nd from right)--



"Many people have told me over the years that the title of the film just didn't do anything for them. They said they had no interest in seeing a film called 'Not Without My Daughter.' However, they said they WOULD be interested in seeing a film called 'Not SANS My Daughter.' And with the 20th Anniversary of the film just a few years away, we're considering putting 'sans' in the title and doing a re-release at theaters with the hopes that somebody might buy a ticket."

When asked if even HE'D ever seen his film, Gilbert said this--

"No, I've never watched it. But then again, I filmed it, you know? So I read the script, I was there every day we filmed it, and I know how it ends. And besides, I really don't want to have to sit through that 95-minute scene where Sally Fields just stares at the parole board. Don't get me wrong, she's very good in that scene. But 95 MINUTES of staring?? I mean, 'Hello! BORING!!!'"

Gilbert also responded to whether or not he should have cast Bob Saget in the film---

"Looking back on it, yes. I absolutely should have cast Bob Saget. There's really no point in making a film if you're not going to put Bob Saget in it somewhere. It doesn't have to be a big part, either. You can just have him standing in the background holding a pencil in his right hand. Sometimes that's all a film needs to give it that extra little something-- Bob Saget standing in the background holding a pencil in his right hand."




Sometimes a little Bob Saget is all you need.

And SOMETIMES A FANTASY is all you need!



ON THIS GREAT DAY, JANUARY 20, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE FILM "NOT WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER" FOR BEING THE ONLY MAJOR HOLLYWOOD FILM WITH A WIDE RELEASE THAT TO THIS DAY NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN, EITHER BECAUSE THE FILM DID NOT HAVE THE WORD 'SANS' IN IT'S TITLE OR BECAUSE IT DID NOT HAVE BOB SAGET HOLDING A PENCIL IN HIS RIGHT HAND IN THE BACKGROUND.


Go see "Not Without My Daughter." I dare you! Be the first person to ever see it. You'll go down in history like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer! And who WOULDN'T want to be associated with a red-nosed reindeer???

(I mean, besides this dude of course--)




Chris Dotson

Dotman's Worthless Jokes

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