Friday, February 29, 2008

Dotson Salutes - funnyordie.com

The Dotman is back online. His new home is at www.funnyordie.com/dotson

The nice thing about funnyordie.com is that there are pictures of Will Ferrell all over it.



I like looking at Will Ferrell.

Another nice thing about funnyordie.com is that they haven’t banned The Dotman yet.

I didn’t post all of The Dotman’s jokes on there. I think I posted about half of them. Some of the really crappy early Dotman jokes didn’t make the cut.

I also have the “David Lynch: Problem Solver” videos on there.

Now I’m hanging out with mother at her vacation home for the weekend. My grandma from Fargo and my aunt from St. Louis are also here.

I brought 3 books with me. THREE!

One book is about the planet Neptune. The other book is called… something I can’t remember. But it’s set in L.A. And the third book is by the dude who wrote “No Country for Old Men.” This newer book of his is called “The Road.” Not sure which of the books I’ll take on first. Probably the Neptune one. I’m a sucker for anything astrology-related.

I think I ate too much brie.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 29, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES FUNNYORDIE.COM FOR BEING A WEBSITE WHERE THE DOTMAN JOKES CAN BE SEEN BY PEOPLE WITHOUT GETTING BANNED (HOPEFULLY) AND FOR HAVING LOTS OF PICTURES OF WILL FERRELL ON IT BECAUSE DOTSON IS IN LOVE WITH HIS SEXY CANCER ASS.





Chris Dotson

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Getting banned from YouTube.

I got banned from YouTube today.

I'm not sure whether I should feel angry or whether I should feel honored.

I'm perplexed. Absolutely perplexed.


Here's how I found out I got banned---

This morning when I checked my email, a flood of emails from YouTube came flowing into my Bulk Mailbox. I thought to myself, "This is awesome! The Dotman Jokes of the Day are finally getting the recognition they deserve!"

I figured all these emails were user comments and people subscribing to the Dotman's videos.


(Click on the photo to make it bigger so you can read it!)

Then I took a closer look and saw the subject of the emails was this--

"VIDEO REMOVED: INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT"

Huh???!!!

I mean, yeah, of course the jokes are inappropriate! That's the whole point of the Dotman. He's there to provoke. If he's not pissing people off, he's not doing his job!

But to go ahead and just up and remove the videos? That seemed a bit extreme.

I counted the number of "video removed" messages, and it totaled 25. Man, The Dotman was receiving some serious censorship, here!

The only good news I could think of was that at least The Dotman had 125 jokes that HAD NOT been removed, so that was something!

I then went to log into the Dotman's account to enjoy the 125 remaining jokes, and that's when I discovered that not only had 25 videos been removed, but YouTube decided to go ahead and delete the Dotman's entire account!

Bye, bye, Dotman. Sayonara, sucka! You have been erased from YouTube history.


In other words, YouTube committed "Dotman Joke of the Day" Genocide.


Sad.


But at least I still had my OTHER YouTube account! You know, the account with the videos that people actually liked! Like the David Lynch and Ralph Macchio videos. People love those videos and there's absolutely NOTHING inappropriate about those videos!

So I tried logging into that account and found out that account had ALSO been deleted.


Now that was just mean, YouTube.


Alright, so some dickhead user must have been griping about the Jokes of the Day. Fine. I can live with that. But to lump in the David Lynch and Ralph Macchio videos and punish an ENTIRELY SEPARATE YouTube account, well, that's just uncalled for, dude.

It's uncalled for.


What really gets me about this whole thing, though, (Well, technically there's about 1,000 things that REALLY get me about this whole thing,) is just two weeks ago I got an email from the comedy editor at YouTube telling me that he might want to feature the Dotman's Joke of the Day. He never did get back to me after that email, but to think The Dotman was *this close* to being spotlighted on YouTube and now only two weeks later to find out the Dotman had been eradicated from the Tube entirely? It's weird.

It's weird.


I don't understand YouTube's policy in regards to a cancellation of an account. Who was lodging these complaints against The Dotman? Was it just one person? Did one person "flag" 25 of The Dotman's videos so automatically the account gets deleted? Do I get a chance to defend myself or does one faceless moron get the final say? I don't get it. What a kick in the dick this is.


I don't feel obligated to defend the Dotman's jokes. There's nothing to defend. They're annoying and they're often tasteless, but that's the whole point. And just because one person or a few people can't take a joke is... well, this is an argument that's gone on throughout history so I digress.

And the greatest injustice in all of this is that the "dotson76" account with the David Lynch and Ralph Macchio videos also got deleted. That account featured ZERO Dotman jokes on it and received ZERO complaints and yet it was deleted as well.

But what can ya do? There's far greater tragedies in this world than whether or not some weirdo Sagittarius dude with big hair and glasses who doesn't have to work for a living can express himself via a silly website.

Who gives a rat's? There are 8 trillion other websites out there where I can post my videos and hopefully not get banned. One of those websites is SuperDeluxe.com and today I posted several Dotman Jokes there and it might be the semi-permanent home for The Dotman until I can find another place. Maybe I'll just buy The Dotman his own website.

I sent a polite email to the comedy editor at YouTube asking for an explanation for the deletion of the two accounts. I haven't received a response yet, and honestly, I don't expect one.

-----

Anyway, so that was my experience getting banned from YouTube. I'm angry about it, sure. But mostly, I just feel sad. It honestly hurt my feelings. A lot.

But seeing how I am not one to write sad blogs, I refuse to end this blog on a down note.

So I will now post The Dotman's Joke of the Day and I will plan on posting the Dotman's Joke of the Day on my blog for the rest of eternity because the website may change, but The Dotman remains.




(Huh???!! Did you just watch the video? NO WONDER THE DOTMAN GOT BANNED! STICK A FORK IN THAT UNFUNNY FUCKER, PRONTO!!! LONG LIVE YOUTUBE AND THE SUPPRESSION OF FREE SPEECH!!)


ON THIS INCREDIBLY WEIRD, BULLSHIT EXCUSE FOR A DAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES GETTING BANNED FROM YOUTUBE BECAUSE YOU GET TO CHECK YOUR EMAIL AND GET A BUNCH OF EMAILS FROM YOUTUBE MAKING YOU THINK YOUR VIDEOS ARE A HUGE HIT, ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT THE EMAILS ARE TELLING YOU YOUR VIDEOS HAVE BEEN REMOVED BECAUSE THEY'RE INAPPROPRIATE, BUT THEN YOU FIND THAT YOUR APPROPRIATE VIDEOS ALSO GOT REMOVED BECAUSE APPARENTLY THAT'S JUST HOW IT GOES, AND THEN YOU WATCH A DOTMAN JOKE AGAIN AND YOU REALIZE THAT THE DOTMAN TRULY IS NOT ANYWHERE CLOSE TO BEING FUNNY AND HE'S A TOTAL IDIOT AND THEN YOU SALUTE YOUTUBE FOR GETTING RID OF THE DOTMAN BECAUSE YOUTUBE IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN TO THE INTERNET AND IT'S PERFECTLY FINE TO POST VIDEOS OF 14 YEAR-OLD GIRLS TAKING THEIR CLOTHES OFF ON YOUTUBE BECAUSE THOSE VIDEOS WON'T GET BANNED.


Fuck February 28, 2008. Fuck this day. I hate you, February 28, 2008.

And no cough syrup for you!!!



NONE!


Chris Dotson

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Dotson Salutes - "227"

The Pisces Mind Fog has lifted!

I am back to my semi-regular self. I even have enough strength today to post both a link AND a picture of "The Riches."


(That's right! I am BACK! Fuck you, Pisces Mind Fog!)

Also, last night at bowling, I asked the bowling attendant if I could purchase the ball that I'd been using. You see, I bowled 153 last night. Pretty good, huh? And the thing is, I used the EXACT SAME BALL last week and bowled EXACTLY 153 last week, too.

Spooky, right?

So last night after bowling my second 153 in as many weeks, I asked the dude at the counter if I could just buy the damn ball. He told me I could. I asked him how much it would cost and he told me $18.

THAT'S IT!!! Just 18 BUCKS!!

Kick ass!

So of course I bought the S.O.B. and now I'm on Cloud 9. I tell you, there's no better way to break a Pisces Mind Fog than to purchase a bowling ball at a really good price.

Said ball looks like this--





See! It even has the name "Theresa" printed on it! I tell ya, it doesn't get any better than this.


I take that back. Actually it DOES get better than this.

Remember that show "227" that aired on NBC in the 80s?

In case you forgot, the show goes like this---



That's an incredible theme song, and YouTube users just LOVE it.

In fact, one YouTube user by the name of "north5580" wrote this about the theme song---

"I loved that 227 theme! Very upbeat and fun! Makes you want to dance to it! Loved the blasts of horns all throughout the song!"


I couldn't agree with "north5580" more! Horn blasts are AWESOME! Especially when they're used all throughout a song.


One of the greatest actors to come from the show "227" was Regina King.

Regina King looks like this---




That's what I'M talking about!


Regina King went on to play "Marcee Tidwell" in the movie "Jeremy McGuire", starring Tim Cruise and she and Tim Cruise had this awesome exchange. Remember this exchange???

[Looking over an inadequate contract]
Jeremy McGuire : I'll go back to them.
Marcee Tidwell : And say what? "Please remove your dick from my ass"?


I love it when former actresses on "227" star in other movies where they ask people to remove dicks from asses! I LOVE it!!!!!


Anyhow, today is February 27th. So it's 2/27. And that's why I thought of the show "227" and Regina King and the dicks and asses quote.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE TV SHOW "227" FOR BEING ON NBC IN THE 80S (WHEN THE BAND HEART WAS AT THE HEIGHT OF ITS CAREER), FOR HAVING AN AWESOME THEME SONG WITH LOTS OF HORN BLASTS THAT APPEALS TO YOUTUBE USER "north5580", AND FOR LAUNCHING THE CAREER OF REGINA KING WHO WOULD GO ON TO WEAR A WHITE DRESS WITH A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT AND APPEAR IN "JEREMY MCGUIRE" AND SAY THE "REMOVING THE DICK FROM THE ASS" LINE.


Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!!!




Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Being in a Pisces Mind Fog

I'm not going to get anything done today.

I am in a full-blown Pisces Mind Fog.


Here's what happens when you're in a Pisces Mind Fog--

1. You wake up at 7:30am.
2. You eat a banana.
3. You meditate for 15 minutes.
4. You go for a 90-minute walk.
5. You have Greek food for lunch.
6. You talk to your dad on the phone.
7. You talk to your best friend from Minnesota on the phone.
8. You call Capital One and ask them why some of your Capital One mail is coming to your current address but some of your Capital One mail is still going to your old address.
9. You eat frozen yogurt. (See picture.)



10. You blog.
11. You check your mail and see that Season 1: Disc 1 of "The Riches" has arrived and decide you're going to stop blogging and watch all three episodes on the DVD right now.
12. You consider posting either a link to and/or a picture of "The Riches" on your blog, but then decide it would be too much work.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BEING IN A PISCES MIND FOG BECAUSE WHATEVER.


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Monday, February 25, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Oscars the Grouch

(WARNING: This blog contains MASSIVE PHOTOS of Ethan Coen.)

Remember how yesterday I mentioned that I was doing an Oscars the Grouch Pool?

Well, I ended up winning!

I walked away with $3, and I'll pretty much never have to work again a day in my life.

I am stoked.

The $3 looks like this---



In our pool, we did "weighted scoring," so in each category, you assigned 5 points to the person you thought would win the most, 4 points if you thought they were 2nd best, 3 if 3rd best and so on.

So the final scores of our Oscars the Grouch pool was this--

Me - 95 points
My Taurus Friend - 87
His Scorpio Wife - 82
Their Aquarius Pug - 0

Personally, I think the Aquarius pug could have picked a few right if she'd applied herself, but she was too busy trying to get people to scratch her belly. And I'm happy to report that she had much success in that department!


Anywhere, if you didn't watch Oscars the Grouch last night, you weren't alone. According to variety.com, last night was the least-watched Oscars the Grouch of all-time!

IT WAS HISTORIC!

So those of us who watched it were a part of history! But don't be sad if you didn't watch it because hopefully down the road there will be another Oscars the Grouch that will be even less-watched and then you can be a part of THAT history.

KEEP HOPE ALIVE!!!




Two other things of note---

1. When Owen Wilson came out to present whatever award he presented, HE WASN'T FUNNY! I was looking for something, anything! A smirk! A wink! An aside of some sort! But none were forthcoming. Owen Wilson wasn't funny at all. And now I'm totally worried about him. I hope he's doing okay. I just don't understand how somebody from Texas could possibly suffer from depression.


2. Ethan Coen sure grabbed his ear a lot!

Here's a MASSIVE, low-quality photo of Ethan Coen grabbing his ear right here--

Photobucket

And here's another MASSIVE, low-quality photo of Ethan Coen grabbing his ear right here--

Photobucket

And this was my FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE WHOLE EVENING right here--

Photobucket

In an act of brotherly solidarity, Joel Coen grabbed his ear along with Ethan. What better way to say, "I love you, brother," than to grab your own ear when your younger brother is grabbing HIS ear?

I know most people love those Oscar speeches where the actors gush and cry and thank God and stuff, but in my book, it's those subtle, ear-grabbing, "I love you, younger brother" moments that bring a tear to my eye.

And that's what I did last night. I cried myself to sleep. But I didn't cry myself to sleep because I was sad. See, I won that $3 in the Oscars the Grouch pool, and since I don't need to really work anymore, I need to come up with other activities to fill in the time when I'd normally be at a job. And I feel that crying and sleeping are two very good things to do instead of having a career.

So I say to any of you out there who might be unemployed, "SCREW CAREERBUILDER.COM AND GET BUSY SLEEPING AND CRYING!!!"

Photobucket

Words of wisdom, Lloyd, my man. Words of wisdom.

Photobucket


ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES OSCARS THE GROUCH BECAUSE YOU GET TO HAVE AN OSCARS THE GROUCH POOL WITH TWO OF YOUR FRIENDS AND THEIR DOG AND WIN $3 AND NEVER NEED TO HAVE TO WORK AGAIN A DAY IN YOUR LIFE, AND BECAUSE IF IT'S THE LOWEST-RATED OSCARS THE GROUCH OF ALL-TIME, THEN YOU GET TO BE A PART OF HISTORY AND BECAUSE OWEN WILSON WON'T BE FUNNY AND ASSURE US THAT HE'S DOING BETTER AND BECAUSE ETHAN COEN GRABS HIS EAR A LOT WHEN HE'S AWARDED OSCARS THE GROUCH AND BECAUSE HIS BROTHER, JOEL, SHOWS HIS LOVE FOR HIS BROTHER BY GRABBING HIS EAR AS WELL.


Anyone want to hear a hopelessly misguided joke about the movie "Rain Man?"

Dotman's got you covered.



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Dotson Salutes -Pink Freud

I'm currently watching Oscars the Grouch with my Taurus friend and his Scorpio wife. I'm 90% sure I'm going to win our Oscars the Grouch Pool. We're all putting in $1! So the winner can walk away with $3 and pretty much never need to work again.

My palms are sweating. I hope I win!!! 90% confidence!!!

If you want to see who Jorge Clooney picked to win tonight, check out his selections here.

Speaking of Oscars the Grouch, have you ever heard of the band Pink Freud?

Pink Freud looks like this---



And just yesterday, I thought to myself, "I want to hear some Pink Freud music!"

I especially wanted to hear a song that went like this---

"Pink, man. Pink, man. Ha. Ha..." and so on.

I'd only heard the song like one time before in my life, but for whatever reason, yesterday I decided I needed to hear this song again!

So I went to the world wide web and typed in the few lyrics I knew, and learned that they weren't saying "Pink, man." They were saying "PIG, man."

And that's what the song is called! It's called "Pigs."

Here's "Part 1" of the song right here---



The song is so long it couldn't fit onto one video!

It's epic!!

Anyway, so I found the song and I listened to it on YouTube and it was awesome so I purchased the song on iTunes as well.

NICE!

The only other thing to note about Pink Freud is that remember how in my blog yesterday I mentioned that Virgos and Pisceans are total opposites?

Well, the two major creative forces of Pink Freud are just that. One is a Virgo and one is a Pisces!!!

The Virgo's name is Roger Water and he looks like this---



The Piscean's name is David Gilmours and he looks like this---




PLUS!

David Gilmours was born on March 6th.

Roger Water was born on SEPTEMBER 6th.

And I was born on DECEMBER 6th!!


So NO WONDER I was craving some Pink Floyd yesterday!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES PINK FREUD FOR WRITING A SONG ABOUT PIGS THAT DOTSON REALLY WANTED TO HEAR YESTERDAY AND FOR BEING VIRGOS AND PISCEANS AND FOR BEING BORN ON THE 6TH OF THE MONTH, JUST LIKE DOTSON!!!


I'm going to leave you now with one more Pink Freud song--

In this video, Roger Water (The Virgo) says to the audience, "IS THERE ANYONE HERE WHO'S WEAK? THIS IS FOR ALL THE WEAK PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE!"

Who does that anymore? Who dedicates songs to weak people these days?

Nobody I can think of.

Not even Mykelti Williamson!




Anymore, here's the video---




Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Being in Pisces.

So I'm standing in line at the coffee shop, waiting to pick up my large hot chocolate, and then OUT OF NOWHERE, this chick comes busting through and bumps into me HARD as she picks up her coffee.

Did she say "excuse me?"

Of course she didn't.

And the reason she didn't apologize for bumping into me HARD is because we're in Pisces!

And when we're in Pisces, people in general are kind of "all over the place." They have trouble walking in straight lines, they take up two lanes while driving and they eat a lot of fudge.

Pisces opposes Virgo on the astrological wheel. And Virgos are total perfectionists and very detail-oriented and everything needs to be done "just so."

But Pisceans could really care less about that stuff. Most Pisceans don't even know what details are!!!

The best example I can give to contrast Virgo and Pisces energy is this---

Say you gave a Virgo and a Pisces this circle and asked them to color it.



The Virgo's circle would look like this---



See how nice it is? See how the Virgo stayed within the lines and everything?

Now, if you give the same circle to a Pisces, their circle is going to look like this-



A little different than the Virgo's circle, right?

Also, you might be wondering what that thing is to the left of the Piscean's circle. Well, that's a refrigerator. And that's what Pisceans do when you ask them to color a circle. They draw a picture of a refrigerator to the left of it. ALWAYS!


Check it out---

You know how in my blog just yesterday I mentioned Kenny Loggins?

Well, GUESS WHAT???

I went to a party last night with my Scorpio actress friend, and guess what was hanging on the wall at the party?


An autographed photo of KENNY EFFIN' LOGGINS!!!!





I totally had to take a picture of it with my camera phone.


But, WAIT! The plot! It THICKENS!!


Check THIS out--




Next to the autographed Kenny Loggins photo was a street sign that said "Christopher Street." Guess who's name is Christopher?

Mine!

And UNDER the Christopher sign was a "Clam Chowder" sign.

And guess who ate clam chowder in San Francisco in January of 1996 and got really sick from it?

ME!!


I tell you, it was like I was in a waking dream. And that's also symbolic of Pisceans. They have incredible imaginations and some people say they even have "reality issues." But I don't think anyone can say for sure what "reality" is, and Piscean energy allows us the opportunity to look past the obvious and find deeper truths.


Piscean energy also gives us free reign to drink like motherfuckers!



Pisceans love the sauce!


Also, in case you were wondering whose party I was at where the Kenny Loggins picture was on the wall, well it was the house of this awesome producer guy named "Labid" (pronounced "LUH-BEED") and he and I just became Facebook friends at 2:02pm and not only that, but Labid can be seen doing a traditional Bengali dance on YouTube!!

Here's Labid in action--
(He's the one in the video who isn't the female.)



Labid told me he got three job offers from people who have seen this video.

THREE!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BEING IN PISCES BECAUSE IT ALLOWS DOTSON THE OPPORTUNITY TO COLOR IN CIRCLES WITH A BLUE SHARPIE® TO DEMONSTRATE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VIRGOS AND PISCEANS AND BECAUSE IT MEANS IF YOU BLOG ABOUT KENNY LOGGINS, THAT VERY NIGHT YOU WILL GO TO A PARTY AND SEE AN AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO OF KENNY LOGGINS HANGING ON THE WALL AND BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN PISCES YOU CAN QUESTION REALITY AND PERCEPTION AND YOU CAN DRINK LIKE YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC AND NOBODY WILL CARE BECAUSE THEY'RE DRINKING LIKE BOOZERS THEMSELVES AND THEN YOU CAN WATCH A TRADITIONAL BENGALI DANCE ON YOUTUBE.





Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Friday, February 22, 2008

Dotson Salutes - CRIK FM


Do you like radio?

Me, too!

I love radio!

And lately I've been listening to a lot of classic rock.

I have no idea why!!!

I've just been craving an assload of classic rock lately, and CRIK FM has been satisfying my craving.

I found CRIK FM on my iTunes. You just click on it's name twice and then it starts playing awesome music.

I especially like to listen to CRIK FM when I'm in the shower.

And then after when I'm done with my shower, I like to make videos of myself dancing to CRIK FM music!!

Here's a video of me dancing to "Ah Leah!" by Donnie Iris.




And here's a video of me dancing to "R.O.C.K. in the USA" by John Melvin Camp.




Did you know that CRIK FM also has a website???

It's right here!

And when I first visited the CRIK website, I was all like, "This website sucks!" I mean, it was totally lame. Lackluster design and everything.

But then I clicked on a link that said "Takin' Ya Back" and I found this picture---




DUDE!!

It's Kenny Loggins!!

And he looks like he's 14!!

How does that happen? According to the world wide webs, Kenny Loggins is a 60-year-old Capricorn and....

Oh, my God.

Kenny Loggins is 60.

SIXTY!!!!!

Now I'm wondering how old that makes me.

Wow. Now all I can think about is death and my own mortality.

Jesus Christ. I don't want to die, God. I don't want to die. Not during Pisces.


Wait!! I just came across this incredible video of Kenny Loggins performing "I'm Alright" with RICHARD FUCKING MARX!



(Or watch it here if the video won't load.)

I take it back, God. Now I've seen everything. I'm totally okay to die. ESPECIALLY during Pisces.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CRIK FM FOR PLAYING AWESOME CLASSIC ROCK THAT YOU CAN LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SHOWER AND YOU CAN MAKE VIDEOS INSPIRED BY THE MUSIC WHEN YOU GET OUT OF THE SHOWER AND FOR HAVING A LACKLUSTER WEBSITE, BUT FOR HAVING THAT PICTURE OF KENNY LOGGINS WHERE HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S 14, AND THEN YOU FIND THAT KENNY LOGGINS IS 60 AND THEN YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN IMMINENT DEMISE AND THOUGHTS OF DEATH CONSUME YOU AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE A SCORPIO, BUT THEN YOU COME ACROSS A KENNY LOGGINS/RICHARD MARX VIDEO AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE OKAY WITH YOUR DEATH.


Did you know that Donnie Iris looks like this??



Me, too!

I like how in this picture it looks like he's going to shake his head and wave his finger and say, "Oh, YOU GUYS!!! I gotta keep my eye on you!!"

And then Donnie Iris would show us his penis and make us guess how much it weighs.


Have a great weekend!!!!

Love,
Dots


Chris Dotson

The Dotman's jokes just keep getting funnier, and funnier and funnier and funnier and funnier and funnier and funnier and funni

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Buying art at a bowling alley.

Once again I woke up this morning and was prepared to have a full-on "depression day," but my Leo architect buddy ruined my plans.

How did he ruin my plans? By texting me at 9:30am and telling me to meet him for yoga at our favorite yoga class.

So I did. I met him there.

And then after yoga I of course felt incredible and was ready to take on the world.

And what do people do when they're ready to take on the world?????

That's right--- THEY BUY BOWLING SHOES!!!




So that's what I did. I went to the bowling alley near my apartment to buy some bowling shoes.

When I walked into the bowling alley, I asked the chick at the counter if they sold bowling shoes and she gave me a look like I had just asked the stupidest question she'd ever heard in her entire life.

I was about to give her the finger, but then this very helpful gentleman came up to me and told me that this particular bowling alley did not have a pro shop and did not sell bowling shoes. Then he recommended another bowling alley about 5 miles away and told me I should try there.

I thanked him for his advice and started to head out, but then he said that he could ask his manager if they could sell me a new pair of shoes. I told him I'd sure appreciate that. He told me if he got the go-ahead from the manager, that the shoes would cost $40. I told him that was about $5 more than I was willing to spend, but if he didn't mind me giving the finger to the chick behind the counter, I'd call it a deal.

He told me he didn't mind me giving the chick behind the counter the finger at all. In fact, he told me HE gives the chick behind the counter the finger ALL THE TIME.

So he and I simultaneously flipped off the chick behind the counter and then the guy went in search of the manager.

While he was looking for the manager, I wandered around the bowling alley and happened upon ANOTHER counter and behind this counter was the greatest piece of art I'd ever seen in my life.

The art looked like this---





MY FUCKING CHRIST!


It was the goddamn motherfucking Karate Kid.


I had to have this thing.


I asked the person at the counter how much it was and she told me it was $40. I said to her, "What, does everything at this place cost $40?" She of course didn't get the joke because she wasn't around when the guy told me that the shoes were also $40. So instead she gave me a look like I had just asked the stupidest question she'd ever heard in her entire life.

Man, what is it with people behind counters????

Lighten up!!!

So anyway, I bought the art, and then the dude came back with a BRAND NEW pair of bowling shoes for me that looked like this---




I had to pay tax on the shoes, but the art was tax-free, so I ended up walking out of the bowling alley having spent the greatest $83.30 of my life.

Once I got outside, though, I remembered that it was very cloudy and the sky was threatening rain. I had walked to the bowling alley and was nearly a mile from my apartment. And there was no way in hell I could let my brand new Karate Kid art get wet and damaged!

So I started walking really fast, but I was walking down a very busy sidewalk, so as I walked fast, I shouted out, "Art coming through!" and I also shouted, "Man on a mission!"

Long story short, I made it home before the rain came. Actually, the rain still hasn't come yet.

But it will.

THE RAIN WILL COME!!!!!!

Just ask John Lemon.





ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BUYING ART AT BOWLING ALLEYS BECAUSE THE ART YOU BUY WILL BE OF THE KARATE KID AND IT WILL BE TAX-FREE AND IT WILL BE SAFE FROM THE RAIN BECAUSE YOU WALK HOME REALLY FAST AND SAY "ART COMING THROUGH" AND IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY RAIN AT ALL, SO YOU WERE OKAY THE WHOLE TIME, BUT YOU GOT TO YELL "ART COMING THROUGH," ANYWAY, AND THAT WAS AWESOME. AND YOU ALSO GOT TO BUY BOWLING SHOES AND GIVE SOMEONE THE FINGER.


Think I've got any shot with this chick?




Me, either. But when I saluted '80s Heart the other week I totally forgot to mention the song "What About Love?", so here it is in all it's glory----



(Or you can watch it here.)

Chris Dotson

Dotman is a genius.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Drinking hot chocolate on a dreary day.

Last night at bowling I got my P.B.R. ("personal best record") of 153. It was a pretty rad experience. Tomorrow I'm going to purchase a pair of bowling shoes. And if I'm feeling really crazy, I might even get my own bowling ball and bag. Exciting!!!!

This morning I brainstormed for a couple of hours, trying to generate new ideas for the "David Lynch: Problem Solver" Series, but I couldn't come up with anything. Maybe an idea will pop in my head in the next day or two, but in the meantime I think I'm going to officially retire the series. I'm pretty well happy with the videos that we made and I think we'll just leave it at that.

The reason that I was trying to come up with some more Lynch videos is because the comedy editor at YouTube wrote me last week, saying they might feature The Dotman's "Joke of the Day" in the comedy section!!!! Can you believe this? I sure couldn't. This is surely a sign of the apocalypse. The good news (FYI-- I'm going to use the term "good news" again in the next paragraph.) is that the editor guy only said they *might* feature the Dotman, so there's still a chance that he won't be featured and that the apocalypse won't take place after all. So keep your fingers crossed.


Man, it's a dreary afternoon in 'ol L.A. and the Dot just can't wake up today! The good news is that I had a cup of hot chocolate earlier. That was awesome. I got it at a place called Starfucks. It was delicious. I also picked up a medium coffee with half-and-half for my Taurus friend and a medium coffee with soy milk for his partner. (By "partner", I mean his actual business partner. Not his male lover. Remember when you first started hanging out with gay people and one guy would introduce you to another guy and tell you that he was his "partner" and then you'd say, "Oh, what line of work are you in?" and then they'd smile and you didn't know why? Well, I must have done that like 5 times where two dudes would say they were partners and I assumed business partners and then they laughed. But it wasn't a mean laugh. It was more of an "Oh, that's cute," laugh. But anyway, I don't do that anymore. Now when they say they're partners, I say, "Oh, I get it. You're fucking. Nice!")



Then I took the hot chocolate and the two coffees to my Taurus pal's place of work and me and him and his non-gay partner hung out and drank our beverages and they gave me some barbeque potato chips and they offered to make me a sandwich.


Man, I'm in a fog today. I think I'm just going to continue reading "Into the Wild" and call it a day. I'm on page 89. It's pretty much my favorite page in the whole book so far.

Other noteworthy pages in "Into the Wild"--

Page 54.

Page 38.

Page 12.

And the first third of page 29 was incredible.


OH, DUDE!!! I just put on my iTunes and the song "Lady Godiva's Operation" came on from the Velvet Underground's "White Light/White Heat" Album.



What a perfect album for a dreary day!!!

Eff "Into the Wild!" I'm listening to "White Light/White Heat!"

And then I'm going to hang out with an Asian guy walking a Bernese Mountain Dog!




I love dreary Wednesdays!!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES DRINKING HOT CHOCOLATE ON A DREARY L.A. DAY BECAUSE IT ALLOWS YOU TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR TAURUS FRIEND AND HIS BUSINESS PARTNER AND IT MAKES YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU FIRST STARTED HANGING OUT WITH GAY PEOPLE AND HOW THE FIRST FIVE TIMES WHEN THEY INTRODUCED THEIR "PARTNER" YOU DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS THEIR LOVER, BUT EVENTUALLY YOU FIGURED IT OUT AND BECAUSE THEN YOU'RE LISTENING TO YOUR ITUNES AND "LADY GODIVA'S OPERATION" COMES ON AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU FEEL BETTER AND THEN YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH ASIAN GUYS AND BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOGS.




Anyone for tennis??? Wouldn't that be nice???



Chris Dotson

Dotman's (Soon-to-be Featured?) Joke of the Day

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Fidel Castro

Rock and roll.

Today's salute goes out to Fidel Castro.


Fidel Castro looks like this--




In addition to standing way-too-close to microphones, Fidel Castro is known for being the president of the Philippines.

Today Fidel Castro sent shockwaves all over the internet by announcing that he is renouncing his throne and will step down as the King of Egypt.

Fidel Castro is a Leo, and since we're in Aquarius, it comes as no surprise to Dotson that he would want to retire right now. See, Aquarius opposes Leo on the zodiac wheel, so Leos are experiencing the "low point" of their energy for 2008. Once we get into Pisces and Aries, Leo energy will pick up again. So I'm thinking this might only be a temporary retirement. He is a Leo, after all, so what kind of a life could he POSSIBLY lead outside the spotlight?

No, seriously. Eff this guy and his fake retirement. He'll be back. He'll be back with bells on and will once again be leader of Ghana.


In addition to standing too close to microphones and being a Leo, Fidel Castro used to be friends with Chet Guvarah.



Castro actually gave Guvarah the idea to mass-produce images of his likeness.

"I told Chet he had a great 'look'," recalled Castro in a 1979 interview with the Hartford Chronicle, "and that if he were to put his face on posters, every college kid in America would hang them on the walls of their dorms."


And Castro was right!!!


Today in America, 100% of college students have a Chet Guvarah poster hanging in their dorm.



"If it wasn't for my Chet poster, I'd never get laid," said the college sophomore in the above photo who preferred to remain nameless because he's a pussy.

(His name is "Tim Anderson," by the way. That's the college kid's name. TAKE THAT, TIM!!! I PRINTED YOUR NAME, ANYWAY!!! That's what you get for being a pussy!)


Anyway, Chet Guvarah made a ton of money on the posters and went on to put his image on T-shirts and coasters as well and just cleaned house. Just made a shitload of money. And even though all of this was Fidel Castro's idea in the first place, Guvarah never gave Castro any money. Not even $100 million or anything. And that's when Fidel Castro deleted Chet Guvarah as a MySpace friend.

"MySpace friends don't take other MySpace friend's merchandising ideas and then make a fortune without giving the MySpace friend who had the idea in the first place at least 10%," said Castro in the same interview with whatever that paper was called, "I mean, come on."

Shortly after Castro deleted Guvarah as a MySpace friend, Castro and his boys stormed the beach at Normandie and took over power in France.

"It was a Sunday when we stormed the beach," said Castro, "so pretty much everyone was either at home or at church. None of the government offices were open, so it was pretty easy to break in and take power. If I had it to do over again, I would have invaded on a Monday or a Tuesday, you know, just to give them a shot."

And Fidel Castro has been the Secretary of State ever since!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES FIDEL CASTRO FOR RETIRING AS PRESIDENT OF SWEDEN, FOR BEING A LEO, AND FOR GIVING CHET GUVARAH THE IDEA TO PUT HIS LIKENESS ON POSTERS AND T-SHIRTS AND FOR LATER DELETING GUVARAH AS A MYSPACE FRIEND BECAUSE MYSPACE FRIENDS GIVE EACH OTHER 10% WHENEVER ONE OF THEM COMES UP WITH A HUGE MERCHANDISING IDEA. I MEAN, THAT'S JUST A GIVEN.


Today's Dotman Joke is about girl scouts.


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Monday, February 18, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Presidents Day

Well, I never did get around to playing Giant Jenga at the cabin/condo place, but I am pleased to report that I won $15 playing poker! So basically that means I won't have to worry about money for the rest of the year, which is awesome.

Now I'm back in Los Angeles and feeling a bit groggy. I was in the car for almost TWO HOURS on the drive back this afternoon. TWO HOURS!!!

Next time I'm just going to fly.

But the good news is that since I drove, I got to meet a 9-week-old golden retriever. It was hanging out with its owner at this turnoff place where there was a "scenic view."

9-week-old golden retrievers look pretty much like this---




I mean, C-U-T-E, right??

So you'll understand why I had to kidnap it.

And that's what I did! I took the puppy! The owner was all crying and saying, "Please give me Juniper back!" and I was all like, "No way!" and then I left with the puppy and it was awesome!

Thing is, when I got home, I remembered that my building doesn't accept pets, so I told Juniper that she couldn't stay here and she was all like, "That's cool. I know my way back home." And I totally offered to drive her back, but she said she needed the exercise so she went off on her own, but I told her to text me when she got home safe and she eventually texted me that she got back okay, so that was a relief.


But none of this would have been possible without Presidents Day! Because if it wasn't Presidents Day, Juniper's owner probably would have been at work instead of at the "scenic view" and I never would have had the opportunity to kidnap her!


Presidents are easy to identify because they sit at desks that have name placards on them that look like this---




Presidents are also WAY into strawberries--



And that's why they get a holiday named after them!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES PRESIDENTS DAY BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE THE DAY OFF FROM WORK AND THEN YOU CAN KIDNAP THEIR NINE-WEEK-OLD GOLDEN RETRIEVER PUPPIES AT SCENIC VIEWS, BUT HOPEFULLY YOUR BUILDING ACCEPTS PETS, BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T THEN YOU HAVE TO LET THE DOG GO HOME AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY THE DOG WILL TEXT YOU TO LET YOU KNOW IT MADE IT HOME OKAY AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY.


(Should I have been saying "dognap" instead of "kidnap?" Either way, check this out-----)



Two straws and no mouth!!!


TWO STRAWS AND NO MOUTH!!!


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Wonderful Jokes

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Giant Jenga

Holy cats!

I've been having so much fun at this cabin place that I almost completely forgot to blog!

So basically, here's what happened today--

1. I woke up.
2. I got introduced to this show called "Wonder Showzen" and if you ain't never seen this show before, then you need to get seeing that thing stat.
3. I ate a crepe that my Scorpio filmmaker friend and his Capricorn wife made for me and the other 6 people that are here.
4. All 9 of us at the cabin played Taboo. We broke into two teams- boys and girls - and the girls won. (Of course.)
5. All 9 of us went bowling. (I got the high score!!! 118!!!)
6. Some of us went back to the cabin and others of us (including ME) went to the arcade in town and I played "Street Fighter" and "Road Blasters."



7. All 9 of us went to an Italian restaurant for dinner.


Now all of us are back at the condo/cabin and some people are watching "Gone Baby Gone" and some other people are lobbying to have the movie turned off because it's "too depressing" and one of the chicks here is an Aquarius and it's her birthday today so some folks want a "less depressing" movie to watch and they're suggesting we put on "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen" instead. Or "Tommy Boy."

Personally, I hope we put on "Tommy Boy."


Anyway, this morning when I woke up (before all of this awesome stuff happened,) this Leo guy who is part of our 9-person crew broke out GIANT JENGA!!!


Giant Jenga looks like this--



It's HUGE!!!


Regular Jenga looks like this---



It's SMALL!!!


I haven't played the Giant Jenga game yet, but I will before we leave. How could anyone in their right mind pass up a game of Giant Jenga???!!!





Now I guess we're going to play poker. It's a $10 buy-in. I hope I don't lose. I need to pay rent this month.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES GIANT JENGA FOR LOOKING LIKE IT WILL BE AN AWESOME GAME TO PLAY AND FOR BEING WAY HUGER THAN REGULAR JENGA AND DOTSON WILL TOTALLY GET AROUND TO PLAYING GIANT JENGA AS SOON AS SO MUCH OTHER FUN STUFF STOPS HAPPENING AND HE GETS A CHANCE TO AND HOPEFULLY DOTSON WILL WIN AT POKER BECAUSE IF HE LOSES $10, THAT'S LIKE ALMOST HALF OF HIS RENT THIS MONTH AND THAT COULD PUT A STRAIN ON HIS CHECKING ACCOUNT.

Yeah, me!!! I pay $22/month in rent for my 1-bedroom Hollywood apartment!


Don't believe me???


Two words---

RENT CONTROL!!!!





Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Going for a walk with two dudes and getting lost.

I am so on vacation.

It's me and like 8 other people and we're staying at this condo/ski lodge kind of thing. I don't know what you call it. Basically it looks like this --



Last night we played a game called Apples to Apples and had the times of our lives.

This morning I was the first one up! That's what happens when you're the only person out of 9 people who doesn't drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes. You're the first one up.

But being the first one up has some responsibilities, including going around the living room and picking up any leftover plastic cups from the night before and putting all the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and starting it up so that there will be clean dishes ready when everyone else gets up and wants to make you breakfast.

But sometimes before breakfast gets made, two dudes in your group ask you if you want to join them for a "short walk" in the neighborhood where you're staying. So you're like "Yeah," and then you go for a walk and it's really awesome but the roads are really windy (WINE-DY, not "windy") and then all of a sudden you don't know where you are and the two dudes you are with give you shit because you're the sober guy so you should have been paying attention but you thought they were paying attention.

Then you try calling the other 6 people back at your condo/cabin to first of all find out what street your condo is on because you don't even know that much but everyone's phone is either turned off or they don't get cell phone reception so you leave everyone messages but nobody calls you back.

Fortunately, one of the guys you're lost with is a Leo, so he goes up to a guy who is shoveling his walk and asks him if he has a map and/or if he'd mind driving us around looking for our place.

And this guy is totally nice and he has a green Mercedes and you get in there with the two guys you're on your walk with and the interior of this guy's Mercedes is IMMACULATE and you look down on the floor and realize that your shoes are all dirty and snowy and they're making his gray floor mats wicked dirty and you feel bad because this guy is totally helping you out and you're getting his super nice car dirty and you feel terrible and think about offering him some cash to pay for it, but then you get distracted because the guy starts talking about how he lives in Hollywood and YOU also live in Hollywood, so all of a sudden there's this really strong connection you're establishing and he tells you he bought Jason Bateman's old house and that Jason Bateman "isn't a turd."




And next thing you know, you've found your condo! And you were only in the guy's car for about five minutes but you wonder to yourself if your chance encounter with this person had a deeper spiritual meaning that you can't comprehend at the moment but that might be a part of some "unfinished business" from a previous life.


And you also hope he's not too pissed off when he discovers how dirty you got his floor mat.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES GOING FOR A WALK WITH TWO DUDES AND GETTING LOST BECAUSE YOU GET TO WALK ON A LOT OF WINDY ROADS AND LOSE TRACK OF WHERE YOU ARE AND THEN YOU MEET A GUY SHOVELING HIS WALK WHO AGREES TO DRIVE YOU AROUND LOOKING FOR YOUR CABIN, EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT STREET IT'S ON AND THIS GUY MIGHT BE A PSYCHO, BUT AT THE SAME TIME THERE'S THREE OF YOU AND ONLY ONE OF HIM SO HE'S THE GUY WHO'S TAKING THE BIGGER RISK, BUT IT'S COOL BECAUSE HE LIVES IN JASON BATEMAN'S OLD HOUSE AND YOU'RE ONLY IN HIS CAR FOR FIVE MINUTES AND YOU GET HIS FLOOR MAT DIRTY.


What a nice dude that guy was. I sure hope he doesn't burn in hell. That just wouldn't seem right to me.


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes