Monday, March 31, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Cesar Chavez

I did a lot of walking today. A LOT. I'm not going to go into detail about where I walked or what I saw, but let's just say that I did more walking today than most men will do in their entire lives.

And one of the places I walked to was the pubic library.

If you live in Vancouver, the pubic library looks like this---


Nice!

AND if you live in Vancouver, you could actually go to the pubic library today and IT WOULD BE OPEN.

But I don't have the good fortune to live in Vancouver. I live in Los Angeles and if you try going to the library today, you can just FORGET ABOUT IT, because apparently it's Seezer Chavez's birthday and thanks to that fucker NONE OF US can go to the library today.

That's right! Try going to the library today in Los Angeles. I dare you. I double dare you, motherfucker! Go to the library!



It will be closed and it will be locked in honor of Cesar Chazez's goddamn birthday.

What a dick this guy is.

He even looks like a dick. Check it out---


Man, it is "Dick Central" up in this piece!

Yeah, okay, I just looked Cheveez up and apparently he freed the slaves and invented the pineapple and stuff, but when this guy was liberating the Turks and developing tropical fruit, do you think he stopped for ONE SECOND to consider the fact that on March 31, 2008, Chris Dotson might find himself living in Los Angeles and that Chris Dotson might want to go to the fucking library, but thanks to Seizure Chavez doing all his self-righteous crap, that maybe the library would be closed and Dotson wouldn't be able to go in there and pick up his Alan Greenspan book?

Do you think he thought about that for ONE second?

No. He didn't.

You'd think that having a salad named after him would have been enough--



But it wasn't. It wasn't enough that they named a salad after Cesar Chavedz. He had to get greedy. He had to make sure every library in Los Angeles would be closed on his birthday.

Well, Cheezus Sanchez, you got your wish!



And I hope you're happy, ASSHOLE.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 31, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CESAREAN CHAZEZ FOR BEING A BLUE-RIBBON ASSHOLE AND DOING A BUNCH OF SELF-RIGHTEOUS SHIT THAT APPARENTLY BENEFITED A LOT OF PEOPLE, BUT DIDN'T BENEFIT CHRIS DOTSON ONE BIT AND IN FACT, THANKS TO THIS PRICK, DOTSON COULDN'T PICK UP HIS ALAN GREENSPAM BOOK AT THE LIBRARY AND DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG DOTSON HAS BEEN WAITING TO PICK UP THIS BOOK? ME, EITHER! BUT IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME! MAYBE EVEN A MONTH! MAYBE EVEN A MONTH AND TEN HOURS!

All I know is that tomorrow it's April 1, which is Lon Chaney's birthday, and if the library is closed AGAIN tomorrow for Lon Chaney's fucking ass, I'm going to be a mushroom-cloud-laying-motherfucker, motherfucker!



(Two "Pulp Fiction" quotes. ONE blog. And THAT is why I won't do two shows in one night anymore. I won't. I won't do it.)



Oh, yeah. The Dotman talks about drunk driving in today's entry. Apparently it's illegal or something.



(And I apologize for all the profanity in today's blog, but we are in Aries.)

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Dotson Salutes - The Coliseum

Last night I went to a baseball game with my Taurus friend and his Taurus friend and my Taurus friend friend's son.

It was the very first time that the Taurus friend friend's son had been to a baseball game! See, the son is from Canada and they don't have baseball in Canada.

Instead of baseball, they have this!!




Indeed! The game that we went to last night was the most-attended baseball game in the history of Earth!

We were a part of history! There were 115,300 people there! And that's not even including the players and the news media and the stadium employees!

So as far as we know, there could have been 9 times as many people there as they announced! In other words, there could have been 1,037,700 people there, which is roughly the population of Prague, France!




Dude! We were PRAGUE last night!


We were PRAGUE!!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 30, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE COLISEUM FOR HOSTING THE MOST-ATTENDED BASEBALL GAME OF ALL-TIME THAT ENABLED ME AND ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE AT THE GAME TO BE A PART OF HISTORY AND FOR ALLOWING US TO COME TOGETHER AND FEEL LIKE WE WERE THE CITY OF PRAGUE, FRANCE, BECAUSE THOSE OPPORTUNITIES DON'T COME ALONG VERY OFTEN WHERE A GROUP OF PEOPLE GETS TO FEEL LIKE AN EASTERN EUROPEAN CITY, SO YOU GOTTA TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THOSE OPPORTUNITIES AND SUFFICE WE DID!


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Rob Dylan CDs

I just got back from taking my Gemini friend to the Volkswagen Dealership so that he could get a new battery for his car.

My friend was kind enough to buy me breakfast for giving him a ride to the dealership!

Breakfast looks like this--



In the United States, people always eat live ducklings for breakfast.

ALWAYS!!!!

So after our delicious, live duckling breakfast, my Gemini friend and I went back to his apartment and I asked him if he had any Rob Dylan albums and he told me he did!

So I asked if I could borrow some and then --out of nowhere-- he told me I could!

The Rob Dylan CDs look like this---




ALSO!

I just remembered that list night I dreamt I had broken one of my teeth. It was one of the front teeth, too, so that it was visible to all people! It was one of the ones on the bottom part of my mouth and it just broke in half and I remember I put the broken half in my pocket and I was going to go to a dentist, but it was Sunday and all the dentists were at home planting flowers.

Plus! Later in the dream I found myself in a car and in the back seat was Bud Nelson!




ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 29, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES ROB DYLAN CDS BECAUSE YOUR FRIEND LENDS THEM TO YOU JUST FOR TAKING HIM TO GET A NEW CAR BATTERY AND HE ALSO BUYS YOU A BREAKFAST OF LIVE DUCKLINGS AND YOU'RE SO HAPPY THAT THE DREAM YOU HAD ABOUT THE BROKEN TOOTH WAS JUST A DREAM BECAUSE IT WAS ON A SUNDAY AND THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL YOU'RE GONNA GET A DENTIST ON SUNDAY BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL GONNA BE AT HOME PLANTING FLOWERS!

Here's a picture of a dentist at home planting flowers right here---


Yeah!!!

Happy dentist!!!

Happy dentist at home planting flowers!!!


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Friday, March 28, 2008

Dotson Salutes - When tie restaurants reinstate egg rolls to their lunch specials.

Let's do this thing.

I am in the paper today. And I'm happy to report it wasn't a smear job, either. I thought for sure they were going to slander my ass. But they didn't. And that's why the Minneapolis Star Tribune is such a respected paper. And you know how the motto of The New York Times is "All the news that's fit to print"? Well, the motto of the Star Tribune is "We won't slander your ass. No matter how much anyone pays us. Fuck them."

(I've never known who the "fuck them" thing is directed at, but I would have to assume they're referring to would-be slanderers.)

At any rate, the write-up can be read here and it's the 2nd paragraph down.


In other news, I got tie food today at the tie restaurant near my apartment where I'm convinced the wait staff hates me.

Check it out---

This tie restaurant has lunch specials and back in the good 'ol days, if you ordered a lunch special, it came with a delicious egg roll!




Well- what happened is that somewhere along the line, they discontinued the egg roll as part of the lunch special.

That sucked!!!

But JUST TODAY I ordered the eggplant lunch special for take-out and when I got home I was pleasantly surprised to find an egg roll in the bag!

They reinstated the egg roll!


The egg roll looked like this---



And as I was eating my egg roll, I decided this was the perfect opportunity for me to take a picture of myself enjoying the egg roll and giving the finger to terrorists.



So now if any terrorists see this picture, they will KNOW for a FACT that 9/11 has not prevented us Americans from enjoying delicious egg rolls from tie restaurants in Los Angeles.

I repeat to you dirty, dirty terrorists--

NO TERRORIST ATTACK WILL PREVENT WE AMERICANS FROM ENJOYING EGG ROLLS! NONE!


(Also, after taking the picture of myself eating the egg roll and giving the finger to terrorists, I remembered that I fucking hate waterfalls.)




ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 28, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES WHEN TIE RESTAURANTS REINSTATE EGG ROLLS TO THEIR LUNCH SPECIALS BECAUSE THOSE WERE SOME DAMN GOOD EGG ROLLS AND THEN THEY JUST TOTALLY DISAPPEARED WITH NO EXPLANATION WHATSOEVER, ALMOST LIKE THEY WERE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS OR THE TIME THAT DOTSON'S YOUTUBE PAGE DISAPPEARED AND WATERFALLS SUCK.

In today's Dotman "joke", The Dotman recalls the time that he was engaged in a sexual act with a female and... oh, no one should have to hear anything more than that. Dotman having sex???? Yuck. YUCK!!!!! GET IT OFF OF ME!!! GET IT OFF OF ME!!!!




Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Carded.tv

Ugh. I totally picked up my tax returns from my accountant today and I totally owe a bunch of money. Oh, well. I guess it's a good problem to have. Think of all the starving children in Africa who don't owe ANY money on taxes. I'm sure they'd love to be in my situation.

Ha! African kids. Don't waste my time!



I have INFINITELY more money than African kids!!!!

INFINITELY MORE!!!!

This is awesome. Now I feel better about owing money on my taxes.

I am RICH, you African kids!!!!



YOU HEAR ME????? RICH!!!!!


Also, I was hanging out with my Scorpio filmmaker friend today and he showed me this awesome website called carded.tv!

The website was put together by some dudes (I even know one of the dudes!!!) and it's like you can send people these little video cards and personalize them.

They have video cards for seemingly every occasion!!!

There's even one that's called "Sorry we fought. Let's have make-up sex.

The humping in the make-up sex video goes on for so long that it makes me blush.


And you wouldn't like me when I blush!!!!!




ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 27, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CARDED.TV FOR HAVING FUNNY GREETING CARDS THAT YOU CAN SEND TO YOUR FRIENDS FOR SEEMINGLY EVERY OCCASION AND IT'S OKAY IF YOU OWE MONEY ON YOUR TAX RETURNS BECAUSE THINK OF ALL THE KIDS IN AFRICA WHO DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY AT ALL. WHAT A BUNCH OF LOSERS!!!! COUCH POTATOES!!!


The Dotman went to the bank the other day and the teller asked him "how his day was going." The Dotman didn't take too kindly to being asked such a personal question.



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Pamela Anderson

I'm going to be in the paper. The newspaper. It's for being on YouTube and having the David Lunch videos featured. The paper doing the write-up is called The Minneapolis Star Tribune. It's in Minneapolis. It's just going to be a small mention. Nothing big. It'll be in the Friday edition. And in addition to mentioning me, the Minneapolis Star Tribune is going to send me all the pies I can drink.



But I have to DRINK them. It stipulates that in the contract. If I eat the pies, they will take them away from me. Only drinking is allowed.

In addition to drinking pies, GUESS WHAT?!!

Pamela Anderson and I have both acted on the same TV show!!!



Straight up!

The show is called "Days of the Lives."

Put it to the test!!

Check out Pamela Anderson's IMDb Page. (Did you find the "Days of the Life" credit? It was Number 24.)

Now check out my IMDb Page.

See! We both have appeared on "Days of the Lives!"

ALSO!


Pamela Anderson was once married to Tommy Lee Jones!



And I'VE SEEN "No Country for Old Men" 3 TIMES!!!!


Pamela Anderson and I are practically the same person!




This looks like a case for Firecracker Jones!




ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 26, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES PAMELA ANDERSON FOR BEING ON "DAYS OF THE LIFE," JUST LIKE DOTSON, AND FOR BEING MARRIED TO TOMMY LEE JONES AND FOR BEING SO MUCH LIKE DOTSON, IN FACT, THAT IT'S A CASE FOR FIRECRACKER JONES!

Speaking of George Clooney, in today's Dotman Joke, The Dotman muses about what it might be like to act in a film with George Clooney's corpse.



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes O' Da Day

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Cleaning your apartment.

Just finished some frozen yogurt with raspberries. It was G-O-D!

The David Lunch video is still being spotlighted on YouTubes.

I just ate a frozen yogurt with raspberries on it.

And now I'm cleaning because I have this friend coming over in a little bit and she's got Moon in Libra, so everything in my apartment has to look nice.

And nice it does!


Check out this picture of my rug!

NICE!



Check out this picture of my wall!

NICE!



Check out this picture of my floor lamp!

NICE!



Check out this picture of the part where the lock of my bedroom door goes into!

NOT SO NICE!

I'm going to have to paint that.


But before I paint anything, I'm going to listen to Daniel Bowie sing "1984!"



Beware the SAVAGE JAW of 1984!!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 25, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CLEANING YOUR APARTMENT BEFORE YOUR FRIEND WITH MOON IN LIBRA COMES OVER BECAUSE PEOPLE WITH MOON IN LIBRA LIKE THINGS TO LOOK NICE AND I CAN TOTALLY HEAR A DOG BARKING AND I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE PETS IN MY BUILDING, BUT SOMEONE NEARBY HAS A DOG I GUESS BECAUSE IT IS BARKING LIKE AN S.O.B. I KIND OF LIKE DOGS, THOUGH, SO HOPEFULLY THE DOG IS NOT HERE ILLEGALLY AND HOPEFULLY THEY CHANGED THE RULES SO NOW I CAN GET A PET, TOO, BECAUSE I TOTALLY WANT TO GET A KITTY!

Meow!


The Dotman is at it again. Today he talks about how 4,000 troops have now died in the Irai War thingy.



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Monday, March 24, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Selling your fingernail clippings on eTrade.

Totally forgot what I was going to blog about... Oh, yeah! I remember!

I'm blogging about fingernail clippings!

Here's what fingernail clippings look like---



And if you looked at the above picture and said to yourself, "HEY! Those aren't JUST fingernail clippings! There are also TOENAIL clippings in there," then you would be correct!

There are indeed 6 toenail clippings mixed in with the 10 fingernail clippings. (There are only 6 toenail clippings because I decided 3 of my toenails did not need to be clipped and then the other toenail clipping fell onto the bathroom floor and I looked REALLY FUCKING HARD for it, but I couldn't find it, so I ended up with 6.)

Dude!

I'm going to sell this bag of finger and toenail clippings on eTrade and see how much it will fetch!

And if someone sends me an email asking if they can "purchase" the bag, I will say to them, "NO. There is NO purchasing of these finger and toenails. BUT, you can FETCH them if you so choose."

Because that's what I do!! I don't SELL things. I see what they can FETCH.

There is a huge difference.

HUGE!

The reason I'm selling my toe and fingernail clippings on eTrade at this particular time is because as I mentioned in previous blogs, one of my David Lunch videos was recently featured on YouTubes and over 270,000 people watched and were undoubtedly confused by the video (Unless they were awesome viewers who know who David Lunch is. Then maybe they got a kick out of the videos! And maybe not!) and when people get confused by internet videos, they ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO buy the finger and toenail clippings of the person who made the video.

EVERY SINGLE TIME, WITHOUT FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Especially this guy---



He's constantly getting confused by internet videos, and therefore he constantly finds himself buying toe and fingernail clippings.

I love this guy. And if he were to become an etcher, I would support him and tell him, "You can do it, Daniel. You are an incredible etcher. Don't listen to those people who tell you that you can't etch. You are an etching extraordinaire!"



Actually, I don't know if his name is "Daniel." But it should be.

That much I do know.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 24, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES SELLING YOUR FINGERNAIL (AND TOENAIL) CLIPPINGS ON eTRADE BECAUSE IT'S FUN TO SEE WHAT THINGS WILL FETCH AND YOU HAVE TO STRIKE WHILE THE IRONING IS HOT BECAUSE FAME IS FLEETING AND JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ON YOUTUBES ONE DAY, DOESN'T MEAN PEOPLE ARE GONNA REMEMBER YOU TWO DAYS FROM NOW, SO YOU NEED TO CASH IN A.S.A.P. AND GET WHATEVER YOU CAN FOR YOUR FINGER AND TOENAILS AND AMASS A FORTUNE AND BUY A SMALL ISLAND--- LIKE HAWAII, MAYBE.

OR EVEN MACEDONIA!!!




Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Going to a Sushi/Mexican Food Buffet on Easter.

Still visiting mom.

Still stealing an incredibly faint wireless signal from someone.

HEY!!

Guess what I did today?

1. I participated in a fantasy baseball draft.

2. I ate at a Sushi/Mexican Food Easter Buffet with my mom and my stepfather.

3. I ate chocolate-covered strawberries for dessert.

4. I sat by a pool and read 14 pages of a book.

5. I talked to my accountant! I am going to OWE money on my tax returns! Yeeeee---ha!!!! I love owing money!!!

6. I thought about how awesome it is that my accountant calls me on a Sunday. But I like my accountant. He's awesome. So he can call me any day at any time and if he ever wants to go out for malts, I am game!

Now I'm either going to take a nap, meditate, watch college basketball, read my book, or do a combination of all six.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 23, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES GOING TO SUSHI/MEXICAN FOOD BUFFETS ON EASTER BECAUSE THE SUSHI IS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD AND SO FAR HASN'T MADE YOU SICK AND BECAUSE THEN YOU GET TO SPEND THE REST OF THE DAY DOING FUN ACTIVITIES LIKE READING BY THE POOL OR TALKING TO YOUR ACCOUNTANT AND WATCHING COLLEGE BASKETBALL ON TELEVISION AND PERHAPS EVEN TAKING A MEDITATION NAP!

I think in a little while I'm going to see "The Bank Job" with mother and stepfather.

LUCKY!!!!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Getting featured on YouTube.

How 'bout life, huh?

Life is some crazy jive.

To think just a couple weeks ago I was mysteriously "banned" from YouTube and then this morning I get a call from my dad telling me that I've been FEATURED on YouTube. (I love how my dad always knows about these things before I do. Although technically he got the information from my 16 year-old sister who recently got her driver's license. Congratulations 16 year-old sister!!!)

Straight up. If you go to YouTube today, "David Lynch Problem Solver 2" is the #1 featured video on the page. Crazy. Big thanks to the comedy editor at YouTube for having such exquisite taste in David Lynch impersonation videos.

It even has 3.5 stars! That was the most shocking part. I figured out of 70,000 hits, only about 200 of those people have actually seen David Lynch speak or know anything about him, so I figured most people would see the video and be all like "Stupid! Where am I supposed to laugh? How is this funny?" and so on. But to get 3.5 out of 5 stars, well in my book, that's an A+.

Big time.

I am currently visiting mother at her vacation home and am stealing a signal from one of her geriatric neighbors, and the signal is about as weak as it gets, so I can't rock any pictures or links today. Hell, I'm not eveng going to proof-read this thing!

I'm on vacation, yo!!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 22, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES GETTING FEATURED ON YOUTUBE BECAUSE IT'S A TOTAL SURPRISE SINCE YOUR VIDEOS WERE ACTUALLY MYSTERIOUSLY REMOVED FROM YOUTUBE NOT THAT LONG AGO, AND YOUR VIDEOS NOW HAVE MORE HITS THAN THEY EVER DID PRIOR TO BEING REMOVED, SO IT'S LIKE, "HOW AWESOME IS THAT?"

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Friday, March 21, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Louis C.K.

We are SO in Aries!!

This is awesome!!!

No more Pisces for another 11 months! (Nothing against Pisceans, of course, but come on, Pisces can really suck sometimes.)

But now we're in Aries!!

The time to hesitate is through. There's no time to wallow in the mire!



The time has come to get shit done. It's time to go out and punch someone in the face!!!

And one of the greatest pictures ever taken of someone who had recently been punched in the face is this classic Louis C.K. album cover---




I mean, How Aries can you get????

It turns out that Louis C.K. is actually NOT an Aries, but he IS a Taurus, which is pretty much the same thing.

So we'll just call Louis C.K. an "Honorary Aries."

YEAH, I LOVE HONORARY ARIESES!!!


And Louis C.K. loves to PARTY HARD!!!



ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 21, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES LOUIS C.K. FOR HAVING AN ALBUM COVER WHERE HE GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE, FOR BEING AN HONORARY ARIES, FOR PARTYING HARD, AND FOR, THAT'S IT!


In today's Dotman Joke, Dotman weighs in on the chaos in Tibet. I haven't read the 2 comments that people have left for Dotman, but I have to imagine that they aren't particularly flattering!

Yeah!! Presumably Unflattering YouTube comments for The Dotman!!!!



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Brian Benben

It's the opening day of the NCAA Basketball Tournament!!!!

And that means it's also the perfect day to salute Brian Benben.

Brian Benben looks like this---



Brian Benben is famous for being a Gemini, for being on the 1990s HBO Series called "Fuck Off" and for being married to actress Madeline Stone.

Madeline Stone has been known to look like this---



Lucky, Brian Benben!!! Lucky to be married to Madeline Stone!!!


Kurt Russell got to have fake sex with Madeline Stone in the 1992 Film "Rear Entry,"




but only Brian Benben has been having REAL sex with Madeline Stone since 1982.


Lucky, lucky, lucky Brian Benben.


LUCKY!!!!!!!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 20, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BRIAN BENBEN FOR BEING A GEMINI, FOR BEING ON THE 1990S HBO SERIES "FUCK OFF," FOR BEING MARRIED TO MADELINE STONE AND FOR HAVING REAL SEX WITH HER FOR 26 YEARS AND COUNTING AND DOTSON ALSO ACKNOWLEDGES THE FACT THAT TODAY HE IS FEELING EVEN REALLY MORE WEIRDER THAN HE NORMALLY DOES AND MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THERE'S A FULL MOON TOMORROW, BUT AT ANY RATE DOTSON MADE THIS PICTURE HIS FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON---





Dirty, dirty Dotson.



In today's Dotman joke, The Dotman cries.

CRY, DOTMAN, CRY! YOU BIG SISSY!!!



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Lame Jokes

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Dotson Salutes - This thing.

Today I am saluting this thing--




It's like a donut or something. My Capricorn ex-roommate made me buy one. She bought two. She said she was going to give one of them to her boyfriend, but... I doubt it.

We were in a place in Los Angeles called "Koreatown" when we bought these things.

It's called Koreatown because a lot of Chinese people live there.

Chinese people look like this---





ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 19, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THIS THING BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A DONUT OR SOMETHING AND EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE NEVER EATEN IT BEFORE, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY SO YOU JUST SALUTE IT IN ADVANCE, BUT IF FOR SOME REASON YOU DON'T ENJOY IT, TOMORROW YOU WILL RUN A COUNTER-SALUTE, BUT YOU BOUGHT IT FROM A CHINESE PERSON IN KOREATOWN, SO IT'S GOTTA BE GOOD.


Yesterday's Dotman Joke somehow scored 147 hits. (147 HITS!!!!!!! THE DOTMAN IS FAMOUS!!!!)

Today's Dotman Joke has received the usual 8 hits. (8 HITS!!!! FAME IS FLEETING!!!!)




Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Dotson Salutes - St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patty's Day, yo!

I love this day. It's a great day to do things where you wear green and pretend that you're from Ireland and Chicago and sometimes there's a parade but there's always bars open and beer to be drunk and sometimes your mom sends you a St. Patrick's Day card filled with chocolates.

Hey! Remember that movie with Tim Cruise called "Born on St. Patrick's Day" where the Cruiser played a soldier from the Gulf War who thought he was a goblin? The Cruiser was really good in the movie and was nominated for an Oscars® The Grouch, but ultimately lost to David Day Lewis for "My Right Nut."

And it is some serious jive that Juliette Lewis won the Oscars® The Grouch over the Cruiser that year, because in his movie, the Cruiser yelled "Penis! Penis! Big fucking erect penis!"

And did Jerry Lewis yell "Penis!" in "My Right Nut?"

Not even close.

Not even CLOSE!!!!

Yo! Somebody posted the Cruiser "penis scene" on YouTube. I could watch this thing fives times a day every day for the next 7 years. Maybe even for the next EIGHT years!!!




Dude, I am so getting drunk tonight. ST. PATTY'S DAY IN DA HOUSE!!!!


I'm gonna pound 'em back like a 6-year-old Drew Barrymore!




ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 18, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES ST. PATRICK'S DAY FOR BEING AN AWESOME HOLIDAY WHERE YOU CAN PRETEND YOU'RE FROM IRELAND AND CHICAGO AND GO TO A BAR THAT WILL DEFINITELY BE OPEN AND FOR BEING THE HOLIDAY THAT TIM CRUISE'S CHARACTER IS BORN ON IN "BORN ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY" AND FOR THE PENIS SCENE FROM THE MOVIE, BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THERE IS NO BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE ST. PATRICK'S DAY THAN TO SCREAM "BIG FUCKING ERECT PENIS" AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS IN FRONT OF YOUR MOM.

Speaking of moms, today's Dotman joke is about having sex in a public restroom.

Oooooooh!!!!!




Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Monday, March 17, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Feeling a bit woozy.

Man, I am feeling a bit woozy!

I went to an LA eatery with my Scorpio actress friend and I got the fish & chips. They were okay, but they made me feel a bit sick to my stomach. Maybe it was the tartar sauce. And they didn't give me any lemons with the order. I like squeezing lemon on my fish. So I asked the waiter for some lemons. He brought me limes. Whatev.

Anyway, maybe it's the fish & chips that made me woozy.

Or maybe it's that I STILL haven't finished getting my receipts together for my accountant. I mean I did finish. I finished last week and brought my excel spreadsheet with my itemized jive to my accountant's office. But I didn't do it right. I incorporated last year and I didn't distinguish between what expenses came out of my personal checking account and what expenses came out of my corporation's checking account.

So I started separating the two today. It's not going as badly as I thought it might, but it's a lot of busy work. And I still might not be doing it correctly.

HA!! Wouldn't that suck if I did the receipts wrong AGAIN and had to do them a third time??

No! No way, dude. I will not think that way. I will not think in the negative. I am going to sort the shit out of these receipts and itemize the fuck out of them.

I OWN THESE RECEIPTS!!! I OWN THESE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!




And someday I'm going to own KMART!!




AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I WILL OWN THE PISS OUT OF KMART! YOU MARK MY WORDS, EMILIO ESTEVEZ! YOU MARK MY WORDS!




ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 17, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES FEELING A BIT WOOZY BECAUSE THEN YOU GET TO SPECULATE AS TO WHY EXACTLY YOU FEEL WOOZY AND YOU THINK THAT MAYBE IT WAS THE FISH & CHIPS THAT YOU ATE FOR DINNER, AND THEN YOU THINK THAT MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU STILL HAVEN'T ORGANIZED YOUR RECEIPTS PROPERLY FOR YOUR ACCOUNTANT AND THEN YOU START TO GET ANGRY AT YOUR RECEIPTS AND YOU THREATEN THEM AND THEN YOU PROCLAIM THAT SOMEDAY YOU WILL OWN KMART AND THAT EMILIO ESTEVEZ BETTER MARK YOUR WORDS AND ALSO LAST NIGHT JOHN RITTER APPEARED IN YOUR DREAM.


It's Monday, which means The Dotman is back in action. (BOOOOO! Dotman sucks!) And in today's entry, The Dotman does a joke about the great hockey comedy,"Slap Shot."



Love it. Want it. Need more of it.


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Terence Trent D'Arby

The audition for the pilot today seemed to go pretty well. As expected, when I walked into the room, there was no actual pilot to be found, but there were some very nice people from Wisconsin in there and they read the scenes with me.

Hey!

Yesterday after I blogged, my German actor friend totally called me up and asked me if I wanted to go to a screaming of the new film "Letterheads"!



I totally did want to go, so he and I went and the screaming was filled with all these people from a country called "Europe" because my German actor friend also is a journalist for a German TV station and so he gets to see movies for free and then the day after he sees the movie, he gets to INTERVIEW the people who were in the movie. So today he is actually interviewing JORGE CLOONEY and RENEE ZEALLFWEFGERR!

How cool is that??


Also, yesterday before I got to see "Letterheads" and started to believe in God again, I was feeling kind of sad and depressed, but fortunately the song "Wishing Well" by Terence Trent D'Arby popped in my head and that made me feel like not wanting to kill myself as much!

And truly!

"Wishing Well" is on my list of "Most Difficult Songs to Commit Suicide To." (I think it's at #7, if memory serves.)

Anywhere, I'm sure you remember the song, but just in case not, here it is in a video---



Effin' A!!


And if you want to be T.T.D.'s MySpace pal, you can add him here.


Oh! And here's T.T.D. on the cover of the Rolling Stone!!!





ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 16, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES TERENCE TRENT D'ARBY FOR DOING THE SONG "WISHING WELL" BECAUSE IT'S AN UPLIFTING SONG THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF LESS AND BECAUSE HE'S BEEN ON THE COVER OF THE ROLLING STONE AND BECAUSE YOU CAN BE HIS MYSPACE FRIEND AND HIS MYSPACE ACCOUNT WAS LAST ACCESSED TODAY SO IT'S TOTALLY ACTIVE!


Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Being colder than you think you should be.

Is it colder outside today? The temperature seems cooler. I'm currently wearing three layers (AND PANTS) and I have a blanket wrapped around my legs and I'm still not warm enough, so now I'm drinking tea. And all I can think about right now is later on this evening I'm going to take a bath and it is going to be absolutely heavenly.

I just checked Yahoo! Weather, and according to the 'Hoo, it's currently 56˚, so it's not particularly warm, but I shouldn't feel THIS cold, either.

Weird, dude. Weird.

Maybe it's because the Moon is in Cancer and will remain there until Sunday at 6:04pm. I remember that one of my friends used to date a Cancer and whenever she'd come over to his apartment she'd always be really cold. And she'd wrap herself up in a blanket and just go on and on about how cold it was at my friend's apartment.

I bet it's a Cancer thing. Being cold.


I'm also having trouble deciding what to do with my day. I was reading for a bit, but then I decided I should be watching basketball. So I did that. Then when I was watching basketball, I thought I should be backing up my computer. I didn't do that, but instead picked up a different book. Then I thought I should REALLY be rehearsing my scene for the pilot tomorrow (GOD, I hope there's an actual pilot in the room when I audition!), so I did that for a while, then I decided I should eat some chocolate, so I did. Then I decided I should really be taking a nap, so I did that. And now when I finish blogging, I'm not sure if I should go back to reading a book or if I should watch a movie.

Dude! Life is HARD!


And I need to remember to stop eating two hot dogs for lunch.




ON THIS GREAT DAY, MARCH 15, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BEING COLDER THAN YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE BECAUSE IT'S PROBABLY JUST A "MOON IN CANCER THING" AND WILL PASS WHEN THE MOON MOVES INTO LEO ON SUNDAY AT 6:04PM AND WHEN YOU'RE COLDER THAN YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE, APPARENTLY IT MAKES IT DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON ANY ONE TASK, SO YOU END UP DOING A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT TASKS FOR A FEW SECONDS AT A TIME, BUT ULTIMATELY YOU ACTUALLY GET A LOT OF STUFF DONE BECAUSE LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS YOU JUST DID!

INCLUDING EATING CHOCOLATE!!




Chris Dotson

Dotman's Joke of the Day

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