Saturday, August 23, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Chevy Chase Movies


Saturday it is. Two of last three nights began with movies watched of the Chevy Chase variety.

Chevy Chase looks like this---



Buy his book HERE.

Buy his book! Buy it! Buy it now!

After buying his book, read the rest of the blog.


PART 2 OF BlOG --- (To be read after purchase of Chevy Chase book. WARNING: Spoiler Alert!!!!)

Wednesday night Libra Fiancée and me watched Chevy Chase documentary "Funny Farm" on cable.



Hadn't seen that one in years. Like all the murders.

Then only the night last. Friday, even! We watched a second Chevy Chase movie of the likes called "European Vacation."

Actually, we only watched half of it and then tried talking to spirits. But the second half awaits!!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 23, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CHEVY CHASE MOVIES BECAUSE OF THE VARIETY AND THE SPICE OF LIFE OF DOCUMENTARY COMEDY. LOOK OUT FAMILY IN EUROPE! THE FRENCHMAN IS STEALING YOUR CAMERA! MAKE HASTE!



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes


Friday, August 22, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Boss Hog


Currently trying to get motivated to watch the final episode of season 1 of "Dexter." But with the sun in Virgo and the moon in Taurus, I'm finding it very difficult to sit still. This must be what my Taurus friend with Virgo Rising experiences on a daily basis.

BUT!

In honor of the moon being in Taurus for another 20 hours or so, I'm going to give you my best Taurus face. Tauruses are known for looking like they're going to kick your ass. So if you want to look like a Taurus, just do this---



And make sure you stick your chin up a little bit like I did in the picture. Not a lot, just a little bit.

Prior to all of this I was visiting my Scorpio filmmaker friend. He and his wife and his artist friend have been working on creating this amazing car for the past 3 months. They're doing it for the Burning Man Film Festival!

They started with a Volvo™ and they turned it into a wild beast called "Boss Hog!"

It's not entirely finished, but right now Boss Hog looks like this---



That's my Scorpio filmmaker friend on the right and his artist friend on the left. My Scorpio filmmaker's wife was not around. She was presumably harvesting grapes.

The best part about Boss Hog is that you can stand on top of him---



And inside there are gear shifts and pedals. They're a bit difficult to see from this camera angle, but they are there. I saw them with your own eyes!



To make a Boss Hog you have to be willing to take your life into your own hands and work with fire, but my Scorpio filmmaker friend isn't afraid of anything. So this is him working with fire right here---



And there's a little door on the side of Boss Hog that allows you to access the Volvo™ part. If this picture looks like it's in black & white, that's because it is!!!



Then, as if all that wasn't ENOUGH, on my way home I saw a Honda Accord™ with a Michigan license plate.



Michigan license plates are good luck symbols for me!!

PLUS! The number 4520 is also a good luck number for me! So I had to take a picture and that picture is the new desktop photo on my computer.

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP!!!



ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 22, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BOSS HOG FOR TAKING MONTHS AND MONTHS OF HARD WORK TO CREATE, PLUS YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR LIFE INTO YOUR OWN HANDS AND WORK WITH FIRE TO MAKE HIM HAPPEN, BUT THEN YOUR FRIENDS LIKE ME CAN CLIMB UP ON TOP OF HIM AND TAKE PICTURES AND BLOG.

Today's Dotman Joke isn't worth the cost of the paper it's printed on.



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Becoming a U.S. Citizen



Last yesterday my German Friend became a U.S. Citizen.

This is what my German Friend looks like when he's standing next to George Cloomey.



Becoming a U.S. Citizen is easy. Here's what you have to do---

1. Go to the Montebello Country Club.

Here is a picture of my German Friend doing just that----



2. Stand in line----



My German Friend got to stand in the above line. But I got to stand in the "Friends & Family Line," which looked like this---



3. Bring something to shield you from the sun when you're standing in line. A shirt from Banana Republik will do.



4. Go inside the Montebello Country Club Ballroom, sit in a chair, and hold an American Flag---



5. Stand up and put your hand in the air---



6. Get a certificate---



7. Pose with a cardboard cutout of Jim McCain---



8. Hit on blonde chicks---




Follow those simple steps and you, too, can become a U.S. Citizen.


ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 21, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES BECOMING A U.S. CITIZEN BECAUSE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GO TO THE MONTEBELLO COUNTRY CLUB AND STAND IN LINE AND SHIELD YOURSELF FROM THE SUN AND THEN GO INSIDE AND SIT DOWN AND STAND UP AND THEN GO BACK OUTSIDE AND PARTY IN THE PARKING LOT. AND CONGRATULATIONS TO MY GERMAN FRIEND FOR GAINING DUAL-CITIZENSHIP AND GETTING A FREE FLAG.

Today's Dotman joke is about I'm not sure because I stopped watching it after .5 seconds.



Chris Dotson

The Dotman

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Dotson Salutes - Craig Ferguson

Libra Fiancée is on this major "Saved by the Bell" kick. She can't get enough of it. Right now she's watching an episode where Zack and the gang are doing one of those "Murder Mystery" things.

But it doesn't matter how much "Saved by the Bells" Libra Fiancée watches, nothing is going to change the fact that actor Craig Ferguson recently got arrested.

Craig Ferguson look like this---



He is in cool shows like "The Office," "The 4 Year Old Virgin," and "Pineapples Express."

The article said he was arrested for being in possession of "methamphetamines and ecstasy and with being under the influence of cocaine, amphetamines and cannabinoids."

The article also mentions that the arrest took place in Culver City. Culver City is a district of Los Angeles, and let me tell you, YOU NEED TO BE HIGH if you're going to spend even a second in Culver City.

Culver City looks like this---



It's depressing as ASS! In fact, it is the number #3 most depressing-as-ass neighborhoods in all of Greenland!

I don't blame Craig Ferguson one second for being high when he was driving through Culver City. Get off this dude's back. He's cool as shit and if he wants to do the drugs then let him do the drugs. If I was all up in a hit TV show and being in cool movies with Seth Rogen and what not, you bet your ASS I'd be driving through Culver City and doing drugs!

That's the whole reason I moved to L.A.! And believe you me, the only reason I'm not getting all fucked up right now is because I set goals for myself and my goal is to make $250,000 in one year and when that happens, then I will give myself permission to build hobby horses and eat as many mushrooms as I want, and if that's a crime, then you come find me, Colon Powell, and arrest my ass and you will get a media scandal the likes of which you have never seen before and this shit will not stand.

The hobby horse I make will look like this---



ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 20, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES CRAIG FERGUSON FOR HAVING AN AWESOME ACTING CAREER, FOR BEING FUNNY, AND FOR BEING HIGH IN CULVER CITY AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM FOR THAT BECAUSE CULVER CITY WILL EAT YOU ALIVE IF YOU LET IT AND I AM NEVER GOING BACK TO THE TRADER JOE'S THERE BECAUSE THEIR FLOWER SELECTION IS SHIT.

Todays' Dotman joke is about Iraq. It's a country.




Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Dotson Salutes - "Stella"

I've been told that I'm a human being. And therefore I am perfect. But sometimes I'm not as perfect as I'd like to be. Sometimes I feel kind of dizzy. For no reason, too! I'll just be sitting there on the couch and then I'll feel like my equilibrium's thrown off. It's weird. But it's been with me for years and years. It was worse when I drank and smoked, but now it's relatively mild. Lately, though, it's been flaring up a bit. So I went online and looked for some kind of herbs I could take that might help make me feel more stable.

Many websites told me to use Ginkgo Biloba.

So that' what I'm doing! Today I went out and bought some Gingko Balboa!

Ginko Baloba looks like this---



I put my finger over the name of the manufacturer so people won't know that it's made by Whole Foods.

The suggested dosage is 3 pills a day. So I'm going to do that for 20 days. Then I'll need to buy more.

In the meantime, Libra Fiancée recently introduced me to the show "Stella."



It's not on TV anymore, but it used to be on Communist Central. We're watching it on DVD.

I like the show as it is funny but on top of the funniness is the theme song that should be a hit on radio and television precise, but it is the theme song and can be watched right here and listen---

Alright, I couldn't find the theme song, but here's a "Stella" video to give you an idea about it's content---



Libra Fiancée keeps shoving ice cream cones in my mouth. And I don't mean that as a youfuhmism. I mean actual ice cream cones.




ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 19, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "STELLA" FOR BEING A FUNNY SHOW THAT IS NO LONGER ON TELEVISION, FOR HAVING A CATCHY THEME TUNE THAT DOTSON COULDN'T IMMEDIATELY FIND ONLINE, AND ALSO FOR GINKGO BILABOA FOR HOPEFULLY HELPING DOTSON FEEL MORE "CENTERED" AND NOT MAKE HIM SHIT BLOOD OR SOMETHING.

Today's Dotman joke is about how he couldn't get laid in high school. --- For some reason I don't find that very hard to believe.

OH!!!!!



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Monday, August 18, 2008

Dotson Salutes - "Watchmen"

I was up 'til 2am last night, and boy was I in a mood! Just ask Libra Fiancée! She'll tell ya.

Man, I was a mess. And ultimately I decided that I could no longer keep reading "You Can't Go Home Again."

I decided that the mental stress it had been causing me since page 358 simply wasn't worth it anymore. Sometimes we forget that life is not an English class, (Oh, but if it WERE!!!!!) and that just because we start a book, if we don't find it entertaining and the author doesn't hold our interest, we are under no obligation to stay with it to the bitter end.

So I've released "Y.C.G.H.A" from my life and I already feel 20 pounds lighter and 30 years younger.

Instead, I'm going to read the classic graphic novel "Watchmen."

"Watchmen" looks like this---



I've never read a graphic novel before, so this is pretty exciting.

I like raccoons.



ALSO!!!

At lunch today, Libra Fiancée and I were talking about how when you describe someone as being naked, you can say that they are either "BUTT naked" or "BUCK naked."

We both agreed on that.

BUT! CONTROVERSY!

I told Libra Fiancée that one can be "in the BUFF" AND "in the BUCK," but Libra Fiancée said no one can be "in the buck." She said people can be "in the buff" ONLY.

So I've put it to the test.

I googled "in the buck" and got this many results--- 99,300. But I have to admit, most of the results don't allude to people being naked. And Buck Rodgers popped up A LOT!!



But then when I googled "in the buff," I got 649,000 results and ALL of the results had to do with people being naked. In fact, a picture popped up with a topless woman.

So I learned something today. I learned you can't really be "in the buck," but you CAN google "in the buff" and see a topless woman.

But then again, you can google pretty much anything and see a topless woman.

I like raccoons!



ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 19, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES "WATCHMEN" FOR BEING A BOOK THAT IS NOT "YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN."


Today's Dotman "joke" is about how he used to work at an office and I guess his boss touched him in places he didn't want to be touched.

Who gives a rat's...



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Loser Jokes

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Dotson Salutes--- "You Can't Go Home Again"

Had wicked bad dreams last night. In one of them I was at a store and I was waiting in line forever. Then, when it was ALMOST my turn, this other clerk says, "I can help you over here." So I'm thinking that rules and I head over to his register, but then a woman cuts in front of me. The clerk doesn't say anything and just starts ringing her up. Then when I get up to the register, he says the store is closing and he can't help me. Thing is, if I'd stayed in the line I was in originally, I'd have made it out of there before the store closed. What a rip! I can't even get good customer service in my dreams.

I don't even remember what it was I wanted to buy, but I'm sure it was important. Probably drapes or something.



In the meantime, I've been reading this book off and on for over 3 months now.

It's called "You Can't Go Home Again", and if you don't have anything better to do for the next 3 months, you can read the whole thing right here.

"You Can't Go Home Again" looks like this---


I am currently on page 466 and there are 711 pages total. So that means that I have less than 466 pages to go!

There's light at the end of the Chunnel!!!!


ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 17, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE BOOK "YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN" FOR BEING A BOOK THAT IS SUPER LONG AND CAN SOMETIMES BE A GREAT BOOK TO READ BUT OTHER TIMES IT GETS REALLY BORING AND YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT FOR A WHILE, BUT ULTIMATELY YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO FINISH IT AND YOU WANT TO REALLY BAD BECAUSE YOU HAVE OTHER BOOKS YOU WANT TO READ LIKE THE BOOK ABOUT THE BAND THE REPLACEMENTS AND "SOMEBODY'S DARLING" AND THE BOOK BY KURT VONNEGUT AND "THE LAST NOVEL" AND "WATCHMEN" AND "PERSEPOLIS" AND THERE'S A NUMEROLOGY BOOK YOU'RE ALSO INTERESTED IN THAT YOU MIGHT SKIM THROUGH.

Chris Dotson

Dotman's Sucky Jokes

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Dotson Salutes - David Daskal

Okay, two things--

1. I'm no longer mad at Ed. I've accepted the fact that he's here to teach me stuff. I don't fully understand what all that stuff is, but perhaps someday I will. In the meantime, me and Ed are cool.

4. Yesterday I did my very first internet radio show. The show was called "Random Current Affairs" and you can listen to it here. (Once you're on that page, scroll down to the August 15 show.)

You can listen to me talk about all kinds of things, from The Dotman Joke of the Day to my recent engagement to Libra Fiancée, to my dislike of heights.

ALSO!

The show is hosted by this dude named David Daskal.

David Daskal looks like this---



And he sounds like this---



He also is a DJ and a Libra and his 3rd favorite sport is volleyball and he and I met on the set of a "Little Debbie®" commercial in 2004.



ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 16, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES DAVID DASKAL FOR HAVING ME ON HIS RADIO SHOW YESTERDAY, FOR LETTING ME TALK ABOUT THE DOTMAN AND MY LIBRA FIANCEE AND MY AVERSION TO HEIGHTS, FOR BEING ON THE SHOW "AVERAGE JOE: HAWAII," FOR LIKING VOLLEYBALL AS HIS 3RD BEST SPORT AND FOR MEETING ME ON THE SET OF A LITTLE DEBBIE® COMMERCIAL.

David is also in a band called Xyzyx.

This is yesterday's Dotman Joke of the Day. It's about Santa Claus.



Chris Dotson

Dotman's Jokes

Friday, August 15, 2008

Dotson Salutes - The Blo & Go

Let me tell you what's going on. Last night I pinpointed (That's right! I effin' pinpointed!!!!) what is going on in my head. In fact, I pinpointed what's going on in ALL of our heads!

Basically what's going on is that we are surrounded by spirits. You can call them "ghosts" or whatever you want, but they hover around us at all times. And we can choose to listen to the "good" voices or we can listen to the "bad" voices.

You think I'm nuts? Then you tell ME where thoughts come from, my friend. Science can't tell us that. Rational thought can't tell us that. THOUGHT in general is incredibly limited and can only create bombs and reindeer 'n shit.

So, in summation, thought is very limited and can't tell us where thoughts come from.

Period. End of story.

So last night I pinpointed the source of every feeling of self-doubt, fear, and anxiety I've ever had. They come from a person named "Ed."

How do I know his name is "Ed?" Because I SENSED it.

And let me tell you, Ed is a royal prick.



I wish he was Ed McMachon, but he's not. He's just some ass who has been with me since a very young age. I would guess that he's been with me since 3rd or 4th grade, which is around the same time that I started sucking at baseball.

When I was in 2nd grade I was AWESOME at baseball. But then Ed came along and changed all that.

So basically what's going on here now is that I acknowledge the fact that my thoughts are not "me." The thoughts come from all the spirits that surround me. The thoughts I listen to the most are the ones that you could say make me "me," but they are not "me." Nothing can ever be "me" or "you" or "us." That shit just can not be grasped by thought.

And who says it's supposed to be grasped by us, anyway?

So from here on out, every time a thought pops in my head that makes me feel inadequate or unworthy, I'm going to simply yell out, "Fuck you, ED!" and I don't give a rat's if people DO think I'm crazy. I'd rather be crazy than scared.

Here's a video of me right here with Libra fiancée watching "Saved by the Bell" in the background and me saying, "Fuck you, Ed!"



IN ADDITION!!!

My Scorpio Actor Friend and his friend Laurie Coleman have recently started marketing their new INVENTION!!!

It's called The Blo & Go and it makes drying your hair a cinch!

The Blo & Glo looks like this---




Get yours today!!!


And FUCK YOU, ED!!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, AUGUST 15, 2008, DOTSON SALUTES THE BLO & GLO FOR BEING A NEW INVENTION THAT MAKES DRYING YOUR HAIR A CINCH AND FUCK YOU, ED.


The Dotman has not yet recorded his Joke of the Day today, so I'm posting his joke from yesterday instead.

Great.